What Does a Man Want?

What Does a Woman Want? was one of my most commented posts and it showed my contradictory nature. The post in a way posed more questions than it did answers to the desire of women. I realized that life is too ironic …

Now my noodle is ticking on the thoughts of what a man wants.

Even though I lack the genitals to answer this question I will still attempt to do so because I feel like gender bending today.

a man wants:

to bang as many chicks as he can before settling down– what happens if his schlong does decide to settle down because it’s all “banged out”?

wants to be worshiped and adored–what if his worshippers are all stalkers and loons?

to date really cheap hos–is it because hos charge by the hour?

to be a stud/sex machine–does this mean he’s hung like a horse but should be kept in a girl’s goodie drawer?

his woman to love giving blow jobs–but what if she begins to spread the love to other schlongs? 

to experience a threesome at least once–would he mind if the third is another dude who wants to poke him?

his woman to tell him what she wants–what if she wants him to go out with the trash? 

to know when his woman is having an orgasm–how can he tell if she’s faking it?

to have children–but will he change diapers and wipe snotty noses with the same enthusiasm he had during the procreation process?

to be a success in what he loves to do–what if all he loves is to scratch his balls and drink beer? 

wants to make “you” laugh–what if you only laugh at the size of his schlong?

his schlong to be as dexterous as his tongue–what happens if his schlong develops taste buds during anal sex?

to explore his “feminine side”–does this include heels, bras and tampons? 

to be the biggest “dick” in the room–how will he know unless he’s an exhibitionist? 

to watch ESPN 24/7–does this mean that he’s watching baseball while he’s “balling”? 

anal sex more than once a year (on their birthday)–but what if he’s the one getting poked in the rear?

his couch to have a built-in massager–is it because he likes his balls jiggled?

to be the “protector”–what if the only one he wants to protect is himself?

to rule the world–what kind of world would he rule?

peace and quiet–does this mean he’s going to be alone the rest of his life?

to be the king of his castle–what will he do when a femme wants to usurp his throne? 

to be best friends with the object of his affection–but what if the object of his affection is a sex doll?

What do you think a man wants?

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

83 Responses to What Does a Man Want?

  1. zemeraime says:

    Rotflmao @ “his couch to have a built-in massager–is it because he likes his balls jiggled?”
    Ha me crying with laughter at work.. once again you made my day!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’m soooo glad I made you “cry” 🙂

  2. kdaddy23 says:

    Well, being a guy and all that, what I think “we” want is all of the above… and not so much. And some of us don’t mind an extra schlong being around…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I just love you kdaddy!!! I think that you are the most realized “man” I know. 🙂

      • kdaddy23 says:

        Thanks; I almost launched into a very detailed answer but I couldn’t decide if you’re just being your usual funny self or serious; but I saw “schlongs” and, nah, wasn’t gonna get detailed. A threesome with another guy who wants to play with my schlong? Bring him on! We’d have to have a talk about anal sex thing but if I like him like that, bring that, too!

        And I do like having my balls jiggled… but that’s what I like people to do, not a vibrating couch!

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Hey I can get serious and use the word schlong 🙂 One day I’m going to write a very sad poem about a shrunken sad schlong. :)(

          • kdaddy23 says:

            Aw, you “diss” schlongs damn near every day – write something upbeat about a schlong!

            • Lafemmeroar says:

              I do not diss schlongs … or do I? Hmmmmmm Okay I’ll write about an erect happy schlong–that’s upbeat right? Wait I’ll write about it on your blog. Just be patient with me. 🙂

  3. Psycho says:

    I saw your comment on Kim’s Blog (My Inner Bitch) and clicked on it.

    I am still laughing. You have a very interesting post and style. Just wanted to pop in and say I love it!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Aw thank you so much “Psycho” BTW I love your handle. Are you really one? If so, I’d love to hear some of your psychotic stories. It’s always nice to meet other bloggers especially on a dreary Monday … you just made my day 🙂

  4. LMAO, Very interesting thoughts 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you 🙂

  5. Becoming Bitter says:

    You’re killing me here LFR!

    Loved all of them, but this one is my favorite – “to be a success in what he loves to do–what if all he loves is to scratch his balls and drink beer?”

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Glad you liked them. As you see I find irony in things … 🙂

    • PD Williams says:

      LMFAO! Do you KNOW what happens when a woman my age laughs that hard? Now I have to go home and change. Gee … Thanks 🙂

      • Lafemmeroar says:

        Aw … you’ve just given me the greatest compliment. Thank you … now go change. Next time you visit me, I hope you have the same experience 🙂

  6. Sabina Brave says:

    I like the most this one:”to experience a threesome at least once–would he mind if the third is another dude who wants to poke him?” It made me giggling 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hey Sabina! 🙂 I really like it when readers tell me what they like most about a post. It helps me get into their minds 🙂 Glad it made you giggle 🙂

  7. Experience tells me the answer to this 😆

    ” to know when his woman is having an orgasm–how can he tell if she’s faking it? “

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      What is your answer? 🙂

      • LFR, i can’t talk about my sexual matters on the web 🙂 i’m to shy

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Oh you little teaser 🙂

  8. Sharvil says:

    Haha kinda embarrrassssing. kinda true.
    Most guys want that. I would def agree lol.
    But not the things I want 😛
    I’d share them but this might get too embarrassing after that and I’m a bit shy too..

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Well, I and the crazy chicks are here when you’re ready to share 🙂

  9. ***to be a success in what he loves to do–what if all he loves is to scratch his balls and drink beer?**


    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hi Kim! 🙂

  10. Just stop blaming me for your moodiness and depression and stop blaming me for everything and anything that is unfortunate in the entire universe. I wash my own clothes(fussy about perma-press pants and shirts) and pick my nose in private with the door closed. I stopped drinking 10 years ago but when I did drink you always screamed about my coming home half drunk. I thought I was doing fairly well by not coming home “all the way” drunk.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Carl for sharing your wants. Nose picking in private is a very polite thing to do 🙂

  11. Jason says:

    I think you’ve got it pretty right on with what men want. Unfortunately for most of us, we’ll never even get half of these things.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hey 50% is better than nothing 🙂

  12. I’m going to do a post about woman, again 🙂

  13. Russ Nickel says:

    It’s like you can see into my soul and determine all of my desires. That’s more than even I can do.

    How DO we tell if she’s faking it? That question keeps me up at night. Just reliving the moment over and over in my memory, searching for clues.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Let me know when you find the answer 🙂 In the meantime, thank you so much for visiting my little crazy blog. 🙂

  14. SilentMyth says:

    “his woman to tell him what she wants–what if she wants him to go out with the trash? ”
    Now that would be hardest for a man.

    You are amazing. Thank you for the laughs =D

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hi Silent,

      I would love to give you laughs everyday. Makes me feel good when I hear that word amazing 🙂 You shoot me up all the way to the stars!

  15. ladyfi says:

    LOL! I think he’d like all of the above!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Who is he? Your guy?

  16. I actually have no clue what men want, but I’m pretty sure blo jobs are number one or two on their lists.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol I think that would probably make the top of their list.

      • kdaddy23 says:

        Not mine; eat the hell out of the coochie first and if you’re still able to move, then you can do me…

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          lol a girl would need a long nap after you’re through with her 🙂

          • kdaddy23 says:

            I hope so. By the way, there is a way to tell if a woman’s faking it or not and, no, I’m not sharing.

            • Lafemmeroar says:

              Ooooh Kdaddy and there’s a way to make him think that she is having one ’cause we know what goes on down there during the moment and believe me … we’re in control of our bodies 🙂

  17. Aurora, HSP says:

    OMG and I need a long nap after laughing so hard… I do believe you are mostly right… again…LOL… love the way you roar 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hey Janice,

      Glad you stopped by. Glad you think I’m right about that crazy list … no wonder you’re an awesome crazy chick 🙂

  18. veehcirra says:

    This is just to funny *giggles*

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Veeh … 🙂

  19. Anne Schilde says:

    I am dying over the stuff in red!

    A couple more that quickly popped into mind. Bad luck with tags lately so sorry if I mess this all up…

    To be better than that other guy. Seriously? I’m not doing them all to be prepared for this question! For the ones I did do… ooh your chances are well, pretty average.
    To be right all the time. All the time? Haha, how about just once?
    A girl who swallows.So I can just suck down your beer and make you happy? Why didn’t you just say so?

    …and one for Meg Ryan:

    AM I faking it?Just ask me. Oh.. ohhh Ooooh… YES.. no… NO.. there THERE yes… YESSSS! Um… nm… you figure it out.

    • Anne Schilde says:

      [cries] I work so hard trying to figure out how to do this… it works when I try it in my comments and then pbflttt!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      @Anne Schilde

      You’ve got a good list going on here. Especially this one: “A girl who swallows.So I can just suck down your beer and make you happy? Why didn’t you just say so?” bwahaha bwahahaha 🙂

  20. hollyjb says:

    I expelled an amused, but somewhat grossed out guffaw when I read the one about the taste buds and anal sex. That would not be cool, lol.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I was waiting for someone to comment on that bit Holly. And I’m surprised and glad it was you 🙂

      • hollyjb says:

        I’m glad I could surprise you!

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          You absolutely do!!!!!!

  21. missmoots says:

    AH I can’t stop laughing reading your entire post. Yes, it is totally true and me too think men want and really desperate for some of it. Keep up your good writing. I’m lovin’ it…!!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Missmoots. I’m trying to keep it up and comments like yours give my noodle fuel to keep on thinking 🙂

  22. sami116 says:

    “wants to be worshiped and adored–what if his worshippers are all stalkers and loons?”

    A man would happily accept all stalkers and loons as long they worship him.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol Sami!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I came up with your line “A man would happily accept all stalker and loons as long they worship him.” lololoolol

  23. alanschuyler says:

    Pretty much spot-on! You are so perfectly keyed in to the thoughts and needs of men. Are you sure you’re a chick? The only think I might add is a beer dispenser in the massage couch and a cranial TV remote implant so we don’t have to push the buttons.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yeah I’m a Chick my little friend that comes once a month reminds me all the time 🙂 Kudos to you on the cranial TV remote–I’d like one of those too. My finger gets tired doing all that clicking 🙂

  24. ZainRMian says:

    After so much dissing, I want to be a chick now.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      No I love my schlongs dudes. Wanna join my B.A.D. Club?

  25. Not much more I can add to this discussion. I know my man wants me. That’s good enough for me! 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You are one fortunate Crazy Chick Lorna. More power to you 🙂

  26. I love it! If one man can WANT all these things then I wonder which will explode first, his balls or his brains. I think I know which!

    Who needs to read the book “Men are from Women are from Venus”, I much prefer this version of analysis.

    Nice work.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh Potato you’re funny. This analysis is at least free.

      Maybe I can write a play called the Schlong Diaglogue.

  27. kdaddy23 says:

    I’ve been seeing all these comments coming in from women… and y’all is some scary people! And to the gal who says she knows her body and all that, well, all I’m gonna say is that you’re not the only one who knows such things – and still leave it at that.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      OH KDADDY you are such an alpha male. I just want to give you a big hug 🙂 Men do know our bodies … and we know yours 🙂

  28. Pete Howorth says:

    As someone who has recently had piles and resulted in having two fingers and two cameras up my arse, I can safely say I’d never encourage women to have anal sex, not only that but I wouldn’t stick it up there anyway!

    And all of my women have orgasmed all the time :D, I make sure of it, I’m very dedicated, by the time I’m done with them they’re shaking like a shitting dog.

    What I really want is freedom from the mundane life I have now.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      OMG Pete your comment is going to be running around my noodle all day …”shaking like a shitting dog”? What an image. I can’t believe your life is so mundane since your noodle is quite extraordinary.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        I mask it well with awesomeness 😀

  29. The Hook says:

    Hilarious – and on the money!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Why thank you very much Hook 🙂

  30. mooselicker says:

    And women complain that they don’t understand us. You need to teach a class. We’re simple beings.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh I can moonlight as a schlong instructor? Hmmmmm my noodle is ticking … I could use the extra dough 🙂 Thanks Moose … luv ya.

  31. Amor24 says:

    Yea, you’ve covered all the bases 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Amor. I try to be comprehensive 🙂

  32. trjensen says:

    This is so funny. Thank you for making my day. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t read this outloud to my friend.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I love that you “tried” to read this to your friend. Next time I’ll be less funny so you can finish reading it out loud 🙂
      Your comment made my day btw 🙂

  33. demonsking19 says:

    all i want is a little more than i could ever get 😛

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh don’t we all Demons 🙂 Come back soon 🙂

  34. Zoe @ Pantry and Fridge says:

    I thought it best to post this here 😀

    I hope your box was full of chocolates 🙂


    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Aw thank you Zoe! I just took a quick look at your post (and still need to comment) but those breakfast biscuits look so delicious!

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