Secrets about Turkeys Revealed

It’s that time of year when turkeys are served to carnivores who will stuff themselves to the point of needing a good nap.

Before they’re roasted, deep fried, trussed and dressed these big birds make a pilgrimage to the Fowl Capital of the World–Fowlutopia home of the St. Cluck Cathedral, a place where turkeys who want to go to Fowl Heaven will confess and be absolved of their sins.

Father Jack Turkey (FJT) who has been listening to turkey confessions is breaking his silence. What Father Jack Turkey knows about his own kind has been kept a secret from the human population but I’ve got the exclusive interview here:

Lafemme: You were recently involved in a scandal that caused your removal from St. Cluck. Can you tell us about that?

FJT: I was caught cross-species fornicating with a chicken. There’s a chicken coop next to St. Cluck Cathedral and a chickadee enticed me. It’s not natural to be abstinent so it’s just as well that St. Clucks has let me go. At least I didn’t commit a Turducken.

Lafemme: What’s a turducken?

FJT: That’s a threesome between a turkey, a chicken and a duck. How do you think Paula Deen came up with the recipe? Chefs around the world love going to Fowlutopia and she spied on a Turducken happening behind the bushes at the dairy farm.

Lafemme: What other naughty turkey news can you share?

FJT: There are lots of Eggophelia going on. That’s when a turkey steals turkey eggs. It’s a rampant fetish among the turkey population.

Lafemme: And what do the turkeys do with the eggs?

FJT: Sitting on eggs gets them in the mood to gobble and cockle.

Lafemme: Do you believe that eating a turkey can make one sleepy?

FJT: Absolutely. We had a grain and nut shortage here about ten years ago. The whole town was starving so some heathen turkeys took it upon themselves to eat other turkeys. A confessor once told me that if two-legged folks can eat us then we must taste pretty good. So there was rampant turkey cannibalism going on.

Lafemme: But what do turkeys eating other turkeys have to do with sleepiness? 

FJT: Well the “turkeynibals” were all taking really long naps in the afternoons, which made the Chief of Turkey Police suspicious and sure enough the dozers were the ones eating the other turkeys because a bunch of them were caught sleeping by the pond next to bits and pieces of fire-roasted turkey. Plus, the perpetrators had “wild turkey breath” which was the true giveaway of their guilt.

Lafemme: What was the sickest turkey confession you’ve ever heard?

FJT: This one is more sad than it is sick. A young turkey once confessed that he fell in love with a stuffed turkey.

Lafemme: By stuffed do you mean he fell in love with a roasted turkey?

FJT: No he fell in love with a turkey that had been stuffed by a taxidermist. It was a case of turknecrophelia. It’s rare but it happens.

Lafemme: Well that is disturbing.

FJT: This young turkey began to stalk the object of his affection and when the feelings weren’t returned he committed turkeycide.

Lafemme: Oh that is sad.

FJT: The taxidermist found him, stuffed him and now he’s displayed with his loved one at the Gobbledegook Museum.

Lafemme: What is the biggest misconception humans have about turkeys?

FJT: People think we’re dumb. We’re not dumb. Think about this–chickens and ducks get eaten all throughout the year. At least we’re smart enough to limit human consumption of our species to once a year. We only have to worry about you folks on holidays.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

42 Responses to Secrets about Turkeys Revealed

  1. I hear amphibians and reptiles mix it up a bit.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Cross-species fornication is rampant on earth! No wonder our world is sooooooo screwy.

  2. You should write for MadTV or Saturday Night Live or something…you are just hilariously talented! 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Aw Sharon. Your comment makes me feel soooo good. I’m floating on cloud 9 now. Thank you so much!!!!!!! 🙂

  3. Zoe @ Pantry and Fridge says:

    Ha! This was hilarious!
    I had no idea so many dark underlying fowl happenings were going on under all those feathers!
    Eye opening!! 😀

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Ah Zoe, I am here to inform my readers about the secrets of the wacky universe.

  4. magsx2 says:

    Love the post.
    You have done an exclusive. 😀

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks mags. Yeah this is exclusive to my site 🙂

  5. missmoots says:

    first time I hear all this…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hi Miss … I’m so glad I could inform you about these turkeys secrets. I have more secrets coming up from my noodle’s vault. 🙂

  6. veehcirra says:

    I was just picturing this interview in my mind,ooh my goodness this is just too funny, I like how they think they are smart that they are only sort out during holidays, and come to think of it, very true!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hi Veeh! Glad you liked the post. I think it is funny that we think turkeys are dumb when clearly they’re pretty smart. I mean they talk and everything 🙂 (wink)

  7. SilentMyth says:

    OMG. Thank you for unleashing the dark turkey secrets.
    This is Pure creativity

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Silent. Stay tuned for my noodle’s next wacky concoction 🙂

  8. jsh0608 says:

    the first time i heard of turducken was when my husband and i watched ‘supernatural’ and it made them crazy, like in a high like state…hehe

    great post…as always. :0)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I love Supernatural, but I don’t remember that episode. Which season was it? I’m behind this season … what happened to Caz?

      • jsh0608 says:

        it was the most recent one on friday…and cas is gone…he had this thing that i can’t remember what it is called and he dissolved into some black mush in a water system…which is too bad…i like him. :/

  9. renxkyoko says:

    Our neighbor raises at least 3 turkeys every year. We love the sounds they make every morning. The sounds make us feel we’re in a farm. But, then, I notice everytime Thanksgiving comes, there’s a noticeable silence from their backyard. Poor turkeys… they would be missed.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      omg they slaughter their own turkeys? The sound of silence in that house would be very disturbing. Thanks for sharing that story Ren … 🙂

  10. Thank you for making turkeys people, too. Maybe more people will opt for the ever-growing in popularity alternative: tofurkey!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      If they can have Tofutti why not Toturkey … lmao..

  11. Funny and disturbing, all at the same time.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Ah, then I have succeeded Diana 🙂 lol

  12. eva626 says:

    turnducken! LOL.happy thanks giving!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Same to you Eva. Glad I could give you a chuckle today and happy Thanksgiving to you as well 🙂

  13. Bodhirose says:

    I knew nothing of their secret lives. It seems their clergy men (turkeys) can fall into the same traps that some of our human downfallen church leaders do–being enticed by “chickadees”!

    You have done a great thing here by shedding light on the secret life of turkeys, Laf. (Because of a popular book that came out several years ago, we already know about “The Secret Life of Bees”)… 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Gayle! Maybe I can write a book about the Secret Life of Crazy Chicks 🙂 It will be an expose 🙂

      • Bodhirose says:

        Yeah, go for it–a best seller for sure! 🙂

  14. Raine says:

    I really hope there aren’t any turkeys with turknecrophilia ’round my part of town. If there are, they will become the second, third or fourth turkey on my table. I’m mighty handy with an axe.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’ll just call you hatchet chick 🙂

      • Raine says:

        I can dig it. Hatchet chick has a nice ring too it. Since I have a penchant for pink, its going have a pink handle…that sparkles.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          lmao maybe you can bedazzle it too 🙂 lololol

          • Raine says:

            *drool* Shiny, pink, jewel-encrusted hatchet of a turkey’s doom? I need a hatchet model upgrade.

            • Lafemmeroar says:

              upgrade done 🙂

  15. Aurora, HSP says:

    ROTFLMAO What a mind you have, loving every single little fully firing neuron between your ears, LOL

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Aw you’re my noodle’s lover 🙂 In a purely “intellectual” sense of course 🙂

  16. jakesprinter says:

    Great to know the secret about Turkey Nice post Lafemmeroar 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Jakes. It’s important to keep my readers informed of this wacky world’s secrets 🙂

  17. The Hook says:

    Great work, you turkey-loving nutob!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Hook 🙂

  18. Amor24 says:

    FUN-NIEEEEEEEE!!!! turknecrophelia, turkeycide. You are too much. This was truly hilarious!!! Oh, and Turkeys are SMART 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      My noodle is too much and needs to be contained 🙂

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