My letter from Santa!

When I was just a wee kid who looked up to people because I was too short to look at them straight in the face, I believed in Santa Claus. I wrote him a wish list every year and I mailed it to the North Pole. I asked for big-ticket items like a bike, a phonograph (I’m dating myself here), a tape recorder (I thought I wanted to be a reporter but I really just wanted to use the device to snoop on people) and such.

Every year Santa always got it wrong.  When I asked for a pink bike I got a puke orange bike with no basket, but he did include a little honker. I knew that Santa wasn’t perfect but he always came close. One year I asked for a Baby Alive, a doll  that ate, drank, pooped and peed.

Imagine my surprise when I received a letter back from Santa:

Wikimedia Commons – Patrick Lentz from Boston, USA

Dear Petit Lafemme,

You have been a good girl this year. You reduced your pouting to every other day and you only stuck out your tongue behind your mother’s back once a week. What an improvement! You always get good grades even though you never do your homework and you only hit your siblings with an open hand. So this year I thought that I could finally give you the toy of your desire.

But when I read that you wanted a Baby Alive I had to look back at your past transgressions toward your baby brother. If you treat your Baby Alive the way you treat your brother why I doubt the doll will make it to St. Patrick’s Day. You are not the “motherly” type Petit Lafemme for I remember the times when your baby brother’s nappies were so soiled and stinky that you put a pair of odor eaters under his tush. And do you remember when you closed the bedroom while he was crying so your mother won’t hear because you didn’t want to interrupt her from making your peanut butter and jelly sandwich? There was also the time when your baby brother dropped his bottle on the floor and instead of washing the nipple you stuck it back in his mouth full of carpet lint. And let’s not forget how you almost poked through his soft spot just because you were bored. It’s a good thing he’s hard-headed or he’d have a permanent hole on his noggin. It is for all these reasons that I cannot, in good conscience, give you a Baby Alive. 

Here’s a Barbie instead. Enjoy.

***

Dear readers, I was never very fond of Barbies. They remind me of “mini hos.” But Santa was right. I’m not the motherly type, but I’m a freakin’ awesome Aunt!!!!!! I haven’t received any gifts from Santa for a very long time … I think I’ve been on his “bad list” for decades. It doesn’t matter how much we have or how much we get … it’s all about how much food and alcohol we have. After all there’s nothing better than being a “full drunk” in the midst of family and friends.

P.S. Getting back to Santa’s letter… his penmanship is uncannily like my mother’s handwriting … go figure.

Happy Holidays dear readers. I luv you all!

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

53 Responses to My letter from Santa!

  1. totsymae1011 says:

    I had a baby alive and was scared of it for the longest. But then, I was afraid of any baby doll. I liked Barbies. I was fascinated with whores, however sick that sounds, but I was.

    I hope Santa is better to you this year. Maybe sitting on his lap real close to his male part will trigger something, At this stage life, using your feminine wiles is a justified means in acquiring what you want from Santa. He’s been stingy with me too, by the way. However, if Santa’s gay, expect nothing again. I say, find the nearest mistletoe, stand under it and grab the next guy who walks near you for the biggest wet one you or he has ever had and prep him for Valentine’s Day.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lmao Totsy … Santa’s neglected us crazy chicks for a while … maybe we need to come up with our own Santa … one who will finally give us what we want and deserve! Have a Merry Christmas Totsy. 🙂 BTW, your painting is hanging on my wall 🙂

      • totsymae1011 says:

        I know. Maybe it’s the recession or Santa doesn’t give a flip about single crazy chicks. If anyone can create the kinda Santa we need and deserve, I’m sure you’ve got all the skills to pull it off.

        I’m happy you like the painting. Makes me smile. 🙂 Merry Christmas to you and may La Femme continue to roar…

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Thank you very much Totsy you are a very talented lady 🙂

  2. Tori Nelson says:

    Still cracking up! Mini Ho’s is brilliant (and totally slutty). Merry Christmas to you, lady!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      And Merry Christmas to you Tori! Stay safe and have a great time this holiday weekend 🙂

  3. Look at the fun barbie had bonking with Ken, baby alive only pooped and peed, no fun in that.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You’ve got a good point there Harry 🙂

  4. Merry X’mas Lafem!

    A recent study bu ‘social scientists’ shows expensive gifts are more the giver’s comfort than the receiver’s delight!

    http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/13/science/aiming-for-the-perfect-gift-its-much-closer-than-you-think.html

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      That has always been true in my case. Oh thanks for sharing the link … 🙂

  5. Patti Kuche says:

    All I ever wanted was a Barbie Doll but my mother always thought Barbie was a hussy. My mother was very judgmental.

    Being short, fat and dumpy, with short, dark wavy hair Barbie was everything I wanted to be.

    Merry Christmas LFR, thanks for all the laughs and hope Santa is kind to you this year!!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      He’s already been kind to me ‘FOOD WISE” lol but he’s been stingy with everything else lol 🙂 Thanks for the visit Patti 🙂

  6. Wo

  7. magsx2 says:

    Hi,
    A very Merry Christmas and all the best for the New Year, and I’m sure this year Santa will be kind. 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you Mags. And I wish you and yours all the best … happy holidays. Have fun, be safe and take care. 🙂

  8. Bodhirose says:

    So funny…that Santa/Mom tells it like it is! Santa’s been dissing me for the last few years too–bah, humbug!

    Have a Happy Holiday, my friend!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Same to you Gayle … lol on the Santa Mom … they sure can regulate what kids “deserve” as gifts … 🙂

  9. You are the funniest thing out there. Merry Christmas!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hi Diana,

      I’m glad you can laugh at the malfunctions of my universe. So glad to find kindred souls out there … makes me feel that I’m not alone in my craziness … 🙂

  10. I got work boots and asbestos gloves and an application for the steel mill. When I was 5.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oooh Carl … I guess Santa was grooming you to be a productive boy 🙂

  11. Aww lol a letter from Santa! Your mom got such a funny idea 😛

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      She had lots of ideas for my Christmas presents and unfortunately non of them fit my idea of what I should have gotten … 🙂

  12. Xehra says:

    Merry Christmas Crazy womaaaaaaaaan XD. Your mom is genius. 😉

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Xehra, my mom is too smart for my own good 🙂

  13. Amor24 says:

    Happy Holidays Lafemme! As usual your post is quite hilarious. Santa is a bastard good intentioned person 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hi Amor,

      I’ve had a Holiday food hangover for the past couple of days. Wish I could say it was from alcohol, but the scales don’t lie 🙂

  14. Aurora, HSP says:

    I knew better than to write a Santa letter, it would have taken a book. But then, I thought he was like God and heard and saw everything bad in the world and might actually be able to fix it. Turns out, I was wrong.
    Sorry about your Baby Alive and Barbie thing. They are vastly different dollies. I prefer the former. Even now. Too many of the real live latter around me, plasticity abounds, lol.

    Dear Lafemmeroar,
    All I want for Christmas is a damn good laugh. Thank you in advance for always fulfilling my wishes I did not know I had. LMBO
    Amen.
    I mean, Awoman.
    Oh to hell with it then, Thank you Thank you, Thank you for being true, being you and part of my blog community. Would be nowhere without my sister women. Love the way you roar!
    Hugs,
    Janice

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      And thank you Janice for being an awesome crazy chick. Why one only has to read your posts for evidence that I am right 🙂

  15. lorrelee1970 says:

    Make no mistake…Barbies are mini-hos. AND…..as far as Santa not bringing you what you want or putting you on the bad list…..like little boys hitting girls on the playground….he just wants to sleep with you. Okay people….you can get mad at me for saying such things. I can take it.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Santa and me? lol oh Lorrelee you do have a dark side … I luv it 🙂

  16. That Santa can be so paternalistic–even if he is right… 😉

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      As much as I hate to say it he was very right.

  17. I had a Baby Alive. I think it kind of freaked out my dad. I didn’t play with her, though, as much as I played with my Barbies. I used to undress Barbie and Ken, lay them in bed together and tell my step sister that they were makin’ babies. Yeah…I was a bad influence.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh you are bad Ribbons 🙂

  18. El Guapo says:

    Santa seems a bit judgemental here.
    After all, wouldn’t it have been better to have the doll to redirect your aggression away from your brother?
    And to go drinking with on the mentioned St. Patty’s day?

    Should have asked for the doll then – drunk leprechauns love giving crazy mayhem causing gifts!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Do drunk leprechauns give fake gold?

  19. –Haaaa.
    So, Santa wrote just like your mama? Go figure.
    Barbies are sort of like sluts, arent’ they? Too damn thin. Too perfect. Too Hollywood.

    Happy 2012, L. Xx

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hi Kim,

      I used to bend their knees the other way just to see how flexible they were. I was sort of destructive as a kid I guess. I used to love getting needlepoint kits and such … I was just an old, young crazy chick … 🙂

  20. I just want to say that this is just wrong – I hate the teeny tiny keyboard on my android phone!
    It ate my comment. True Story. Although it’s possible that I may appear to be losing my mind because I have been misplacing comments lately – er actually the cat deleted them and that isn’t the case on my phone – sorry what I wanted to say I had barbies and a Donny Osmond doll – he got lucky with all the Barbies – a lot -I don’t know where I learned that stuff from – I also had a Baby Alive – but nobody ever pointed out that the Barbie’s slutty behavior would directly result in Baby Alive – I mean I have to think that should have been the lesson in it all. So it didn’t do me any good. And My Mom gave it away one day because I hadn’t played with Baby for awhile but when I couldn’t fnd her I tore apart my closet and I think the trauma is what caused me to be a mother. yea.

    I nominated you for the Kreativ Blogger Award – that’s why I am irked that my comment seems to not have posted on xmas eve,. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas and here’s to a New Year!

    http://runningnakedwithscissors.wordpress.com/2011/12/23/i-think-i-am-shiny-the-kreative-blogger-award/

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Wow! First your comment is hilarious! I heard about the Osmond dolls but I never owned one 😦 Do you mean to tell me that Barbie gave birth to Baby Alive? OMG the birth must have caused some major damage to Barbie’s girly parts as Baby Alives are rather on the hefty side (compared to the petit Barbie)

      Thank you for nominating me. I’ve received awards but never the kreative blogger … I love it! I do think I’m a creative person as I like to knit, do crafts and make up crazy stories 🙂 🙂 I’m so glad you found my blog and that I found yours 🙂

      • El Guapo says:

        Barbie and Donny Osmond dolls.
        So much is clear now.
        So much…

        • Really? Enlighten me lol 🙄

      • I had them both but Donny was the one I played with cause I didn’t have Ken. Anyways no I don’t think Barbies was the birth Mother although that may expalin why her legs were missing one day and she was a hot mess….silly me I just thought it was Donny. She didn’t have much use for Baby Alive…

        I’m glad too – we can thank Pete (BreakitdownPete) he sent me here. 🙂

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Pete is awesome and funny … I’m so grateful that he brought you my way 🙂

  21. One Christmas my sister and I received the original Barbie and Ken (dating myself big time). Barbie had short, wavy dark brown hair like a young Annette Funicello (dating myself again). I was traumatized, because my sister got the Barbie and I got the Ken. Who gets a little girl a Ken doll? I coveted my sister’s Barbie for years afterwards. Both Ken and Barbie ended up moldy in our basement. We threw them both out with all their clothes. Karma being what it is, I learned later that the original Barbie and Ken doll (minus mold) could garner $1000 in the collectible market. Then I had two daughters, who would have loved to play with them, I’m sure. But I was too stupid at the time to think into the future.

    A sad story all round, LOL!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I don’t think I’ve seen a dark haired Barbie … what a malfunction of the universe on your getting a Ken doll … I know some people who actually keep their toys in mint condition with the hopes to sell them one day … too bad mold doesn’t hold up to much on eBay. BTW I love sad stories that end with an “LOL” like yours 🙂

  22. Another award, congrats to you 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Harry. I have so much to catch up on. Wish for more time next year or that time goes slower in what’s left of this year 🙂

  23. eva626 says:

    i used to like barbies! lol…as toys not real human figures.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Real life Barbies would be creepy right? Nice to see you again Eva 🙂

  24. LOL, too funny. I bought 2 of those dolls for my daughters this Christmas. it is a money guzzler. If only comes with 2 diapers. Every time you feed it anything, you have to change the diaper. So, I hid the food and put panties on them.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      LMAO you’re a smart chick 🙂 bhahahaha on panties!!!!!!

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