Dating Tips for Men

In the past I’ve given many chicks tips on how to laugh at the chaos, but now is the time to write a post dedicated to all the men out there.

Here are some tips on how to get out of sticky situations when it comes to the opposite sex. 

Next time a chick you’ve had sex with comes up to you and you just can’t remember her name tell her that you suffer from “Namenesia” the inability to remember names. Tell them that constant physical intimacy is part of the cure and you’re looking for a volunteer.

When you’re out on a date and want to weasel out of the check, just tell your date that you have “Nomullah” disease, which is the condition of never having any money. A chick with a heart of gold would be more than happy to throw down some dough for your steak dinner.

If your girlfriend gives you an ultimatum about commitment, tell her that you have “RPS” (Relationship Palpitation Syndrome), a condition that gives you heart pains when you hear the words: commitment, relationship, monogamy, marriage, exclusivity and etc. The only cure for this ailment is patience and understanding on her part and lots of sex with other women and“threesomes.”

If she keeps on insisting that it’s time for you to meet her parents, tell her that you suffer from “Parentaleptic” disease. You burst into an epileptic fit when you see moms and pops. Tell her that your treatment process requires a distance of at least five miles from her folks.

If you want an excuse for having a small schlong tell her that you have a genetic anomaly called “Schlongarater” disease. Your schlong grows in equivalent to the hotness level of a chick. So when she sees your 3″ schlong, it’s not you it’s her.

P.S. If any of the above tips work on a chick, then hang on to her because she’s a rarity.  

Note: Crazy Chicks are too smart, savvy and sophisticated to fall for the above. Do not make the mistake of using these tips on a Crazy Chick as you just might end up becoming a human burrito.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

54 Responses to Dating Tips for Men

  1. brainforthought says:

    I think threesomes are already under-used in Western medicine. Bravo for being a brave voice and advocating a potential medical breakthrough.

  2. totsymae1011 says:

    You’re bad. Real bad. I think this sizes them up fairly well.

  3. I will remember the nomullah one next time I take Becoming Bitter out for a coffee. She aint getting away with all those death threats for much longer.

  4. hollyjb says:

    Hey! Sorry I’ve been MIA for over a month now…I have so many Q&A’s to catch up on, lol. This was great! I forgot how funny your posts are :P.

  5. You had me rolling! Especially the Schlongrater! I would like to add a if a woman finds a man attractive or appealing, she’ll buy you a drink.
    However, if she pays for the entire date there is a huge chance that
    1.you either let her and she’s pissed
    2. she wants to keep her integrity and NOT call it a date
    3. she’s actually pretty cool and down to earth but don’t expect it to happen more than 2 times.
    Best of luck figuring out which one!!

    Knocked it out of the park!!! Never second guess yourself! Your Crazy Chicks love you!

  6. I’m pretty sure my ex had an acute case of RPS. He didn’t want to have sex with other women, but he did want to have an open relationship which allowed him to play endless hours of video games while eating Doritos.

  7. jakesprinter says:

    Great tips my friend 🙂

  8. El Guapo says:

    “If any of the above tips work on a chick, then hang on to her because she’s a rarity. ”
    Not sure rarity is the word you’re looking for here…

  9. I laughed out loud at this & my husband asked me what I was reading & I ignored him ’cause I love driving him nuts!

  10. Pretty funny. But one thing I do notice as a guy that give dating tips for men, is that men can be a lot funnier around women. Women are always talking about how they want a “guy with a sense of humor,” but so many guys are so serious. Even if they just say something quirky like “parentlepic,” this is a start.

  11. Good try, Laff. But I wouldn’t believe a man if he gave me any of those lines. They sound too clever… (just kidding guys!) 😉

  12. nancyelizabethlauzon says:

    Love the post! My daughter has had a lot of dating disasters, and one included the guy whipping out his calculator after dinner to figure out how to split the check, including taxes and gratuities. Wow.

  13. Cinnamon says:

    Again, you have your thumb on the pulse of the universe. I’m sure that this study was conducted at your own epense, and for that I am sorry. If anyone deserves a grant, to carry on the good work…… it’s YOU !!

    Seems we’ve dated the same men. (and they are usually the ones that are decent in bed…what a shame)

    OXOX

  14. Amor24 says:

    RPS … so that’s what it’s called. I knew those doctors were idiots. Telling me that it’s in my head. The audacity! Schlongarater … nice!!!

  15. ***Your schlong grows in equivalent to the hotness level of a chick****

    HaaaaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaa.

    Is that true, L?

    I’ve only observed the same schlong for a long time. I have no complaints.

    Xxx

  16. Hi Lafem

    The post you had suggested has finally seen the light of day:
    http://slavesincstrip.com/2012/01/17/the-tetris-of-life

    🙂

  17. http://breakitdownpete.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/yea-i-read-youre-shit-2/ Lafemmeroar: No I did not mis-spell it. No I have no idea how you pronounce it. Is it french or just dyslexic? WTF I have no clue!

  18. Aurora, HSP says:

    LOL Screaming funny, missus. But then, I know better than to expect anything different from you. Glad to see some things stay the same. Your wit is among those things 🙂 🙂 🙂

  19. Viciously Sweet says:

    This made me burst into giggles at work! The combination of reading this article while listening to “Don’t go breaking my Heart” by Elton John & Kiki Dee should be illegal.

  20. Schlongarater – inspired. I wish I were a man so I could use that. (It may be the only reason I wish I were a man.)

  21. nicole the exbulimic says:

    hahahaha! me = crazy chick. watch out boys in this comment sequence who want to date me. 😉 x

  22. I shot milk outta my nose!!! hahahahahaha you are just too cool! See? Its not just the revenge genre you rock…..
    🙂

  23. renxkyoko says:

    Ha ! Chicks should run away from these guys. Their diseases are infectious. ~.~

  24. Stewie says:

    Thanks for the advice, I’m sure to use some of those (apart from the small schlong one).

    Allow me to return the favour. If any girls are planning trying speed dating…

    http://thislittlethingcalledlife.com/2010/07/18/guide-to-speed-dating-girls/

  25. The Hook says:

    What a helpful mammal you are! Good for you!

  26. John says:

    The women that will buy this stuff certainly will deserve the guys that are selling it. As always, I love your stuff.
    Sincerely, john

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