Dating Tips for Men

In the past I’ve given many chicks tips on how to laugh at the chaos, but now is the time to write a post dedicated to all the men out there.

Here are some tips on how to get out of sticky situations when it comes to the opposite sex. 

Next time a chick you’ve had sex with comes up to you and you just can’t remember her name tell her that you suffer from “Namenesia” the inability to remember names. Tell them that constant physical intimacy is part of the cure and you’re looking for a volunteer.

When you’re out on a date and want to weasel out of the check, just tell your date that you have “Nomullah” disease, which is the condition of never having any money. A chick with a heart of gold would be more than happy to throw down some dough for your steak dinner.

If your girlfriend gives you an ultimatum about commitment, tell her that you have “RPS” (Relationship Palpitation Syndrome), a condition that gives you heart pains when you hear the words: commitment, relationship, monogamy, marriage, exclusivity and etc. The only cure for this ailment is patience and understanding on her part and lots of sex with other women and“threesomes.”

If she keeps on insisting that it’s time for you to meet her parents, tell her that you suffer from “Parentaleptic” disease. You burst into an epileptic fit when you see moms and pops. Tell her that your treatment process requires a distance of at least five miles from her folks.

If you want an excuse for having a small schlong tell her that you have a genetic anomaly called “Schlongarater” disease. Your schlong grows in equivalent to the hotness level of a chick. So when she sees your 3″ schlong, it’s not you it’s her.

P.S. If any of the above tips work on a chick, then hang on to her because she’s a rarity.  

Note: Crazy Chicks are too smart, savvy and sophisticated to fall for the above. Do not make the mistake of using these tips on a Crazy Chick as you just might end up becoming a human burrito.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

54 Responses to Dating Tips for Men

  1. I think threesomes are already under-used in Western medicine. Bravo for being a brave voice and advocating a potential medical breakthrough.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you Brain 🙂

  2. totsymae1011 says:

    You’re bad. Real bad. I think this sizes them up fairly well.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I am bad Totsy. I had to think twice before posting this one 🙂 I think my posts can be disturbing is not taken with a tongue-in-cheek attitude 🙂

      • totsymae1011 says:

        Yes, I feel the same way when I’m about to press the publish button. Only one regret but it’s out there now.

  3. I will remember the nomullah one next time I take Becoming Bitter out for a coffee. She aint getting away with all those death threats for much longer.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lmao Michael … I “HOPE” it works and pray she’s not carrying a “Schlong whacker” with her 🙂

      • Raine says:

        She always carries one of those…

  4. hollyjb says:

    Hey! Sorry I’ve been MIA for over a month now…I have so many Q&A’s to catch up on, lol. This was great! I forgot how funny your posts are :P.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hi Holly! So glad you’re active again. I can’t wait to read about your new adventures.

  5. You had me rolling! Especially the Schlongrater! I would like to add a if a woman finds a man attractive or appealing, she’ll buy you a drink.
    However, if she pays for the entire date there is a huge chance that
    1.you either let her and she’s pissed
    2. she wants to keep her integrity and NOT call it a date
    3. she’s actually pretty cool and down to earth but don’t expect it to happen more than 2 times.
    Best of luck figuring out which one!!

    Knocked it out of the park!!! Never second guess yourself! Your Crazy Chicks love you!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks future … this post was fun to do. Glad you like it and thank you for your humorous response 🙂

  6. I’m pretty sure my ex had an acute case of RPS. He didn’t want to have sex with other women, but he did want to have an open relationship which allowed him to play endless hours of video games while eating Doritos.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol, I know some guys like that 🙂 Instead of Doritos it was potato chips …

  7. jakesprinter says:

    Great tips my friend 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Jake 🙂

      • jakesprinter says:

        I love to invite you here my friend http://wp.me/P1Dwwo-jn

  8. El Guapo says:

    “If any of the above tips work on a chick, then hang on to her because she’s a rarity. ”
    Not sure rarity is the word you’re looking for here…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It is … or perhaps she might be considered a medical anomaly …of literally having no “gray cells” as Poirot would put it. Now there’s the half-wit, the twit and the scatterbrain–they’ve all got semi-functioning noodles but having no noodle is a rarity … then again the statement quoted might have been tongue in cheek.

      • El Guapo says:

        I’m going to go with tongue in cheek.
        By the way, wouldn’t RPS be pronounced as Herpes?

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          heheheheheh Guapo 🙂

  9. I laughed out loud at this & my husband asked me what I was reading & I ignored him ’cause I love driving him nuts!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh Diana I love how you drive your husband nuts! 🙂

  10. Pretty funny. But one thing I do notice as a guy that give dating tips for men, is that men can be a lot funnier around women. Women are always talking about how they want a “guy with a sense of humor,” but so many guys are so serious. Even if they just say something quirky like “parentlepic,” this is a start.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Humor always relaxes me 🙂

  11. Good try, Laff. But I wouldn’t believe a man if he gave me any of those lines. They sound too clever… (just kidding guys!) 😉

  12. Love the post! My daughter has had a lot of dating disasters, and one included the guy whipping out his calculator after dinner to figure out how to split the check, including taxes and gratuities. Wow.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh that is an embarrassing situation. The only thing worse than a lousy date is a cheap date …

  13. Cinnamon says:

    Again, you have your thumb on the pulse of the universe. I’m sure that this study was conducted at your own epense, and for that I am sorry. If anyone deserves a grant, to carry on the good work…… it’s YOU !!

    Seems we’ve dated the same men. (and they are usually the ones that are decent in bed…what a shame)

    OXOX

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I have the pulse of a malfunctioning universe 🙂 Cinnamon … once more thank you for your comment.

  14. Amor24 says:

    RPS … so that’s what it’s called. I knew those doctors were idiots. Telling me that it’s in my head. The audacity! Schlongarater … nice!!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’ve got a Phd on insanity … you just come to me with all of your wacky ailments … at no charge Amor 🙂

  15. ***Your schlong grows in equivalent to the hotness level of a chick****

    HaaaaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaa.

    Is that true, L?

    I’ve only observed the same schlong for a long time. I have no complaints.

    Xxx

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      My past schlongs have no complaints either! They were “ginormously happy” 🙂

  16. Hi Lafem

    The post you had suggested has finally seen the light of day:
    http://slavesincstrip.com/2012/01/17/the-tetris-of-life

    🙂

  17. http://breakitdownpete.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/yea-i-read-youre-shit-2/ Lafemmeroar: No I did not mis-spell it. No I have no idea how you pronounce it. Is it french or just dyslexic? WTF I have no clue!

  18. Aurora, HSP says:

    LOL Screaming funny, missus. But then, I know better than to expect anything different from you. Glad to see some things stay the same. Your wit is among those things 🙂 🙂 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Janice. I try to be consistent 😛

  19. Viciously Sweet says:

    This made me burst into giggles at work! The combination of reading this article while listening to “Don’t go breaking my Heart” by Elton John & Kiki Dee should be illegal.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I luv that song 🙂 How about “Don’t go breaking my schlong” song … there should be one 🙂

  20. Schlongarater – inspired. I wish I were a man so I could use that. (It may be the only reason I wish I were a man.)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Glad you like it Thoughtful … I guess the tips can be tweaked for us chicks 🙂

  21. hahahaha! me = crazy chick. watch out boys in this comment sequence who want to date me. 😉 x

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Perhaps one of the B.A.D.s or one from the Crazy Freaks Club? 😛 All the dudes who read my blog awe pretty awesome 🙂

  22. I shot milk outta my nose!!! hahahahahaha you are just too cool! See? Its not just the revenge genre you rock…..
    🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Aw thank you Lizzie … I try to widen the breath of my craziness. Glad you liked it enough to shoot the milk out 🙂 🙂 🙂

  23. renxkyoko says:

    Ha ! Chicks should run away from these guys. Their diseases are infectious. ~.~

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      They sure are Ren … 🙂

  24. Stewie says:

    Thanks for the advice, I’m sure to use some of those (apart from the small schlong one).

    Allow me to return the favour. If any girls are planning trying speed dating…

    http://thislittlethingcalledlife.com/2010/07/18/guide-to-speed-dating-girls/

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks for sharing the link Stewie 🙂

  25. The Hook says:

    What a helpful mammal you are! Good for you!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol you wrote mammal at first I read “mama” lmao and thanks Hook

  26. John says:

    The women that will buy this stuff certainly will deserve the guys that are selling it. As always, I love your stuff.
    Sincerely, john

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hi John! Glad you popped by. Glad you liked it 🙂

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