Shopping for a Man

A conversation with a friend about men gave me a new perspective about my single and never been wed-locked status.

BFF: We need to look for a man the way we shop for purses.

Lafemme: You mean find one on sale?

BFF: Yes. We need to find a good bargain but instead of looking for leather we need to look for good schlongs (she got that term from me).

The idea did make a lot of sense. After all I’m a great shopper. And if I were to apply my bargain shopping skills to schlong man shopping  I just might hit the jackpot! Is it possible? Could this be my year of finding “The Perfect Schlong” Mr. Right? After all “Sale” doesn’t mean damaged:

  • SALE just means that it’s been on the shelf for a while–I’ve been on the shelf for a while. I’m like canned goods–I can probably survive a nuclear holocaust.
  • SALE is still good quality. I’m of good stock and breeding. I have manners. I’m only rude when I want to be and I’m a chick who can laugh at the malfunction of the universe. That’s QUALITY in my opinion.
  • SALE means that there is an abundant supply. This means that there are lots of quality schlongs on sale. My chances are good 🙂
  • BUT SALE can also mean one of a kind. It’s like that black and white Kate Spade for 50% off at Nordstroms. It was lust at first sight and I ran for that purse like a gold medal obsessed sprinter. So that means I have to act fast in case the good schlong is grabbed by another chick.

As my noodle pondered on this matter, I felt a twinge of guilt in paralleling leather goods to schlongs men. Is commodifying men a good strategy when it comes to finding a life partner that I can love and respect? The obvious answer is NO, but I brushed away pangs of conscience. 

If I am to look for a man the way I would hunt down a purse I had to think of location. Where would I find a good man on sale?

I had to rule out a few things:

Dating sites: You never really get what you expect. The men have stellar profiles. They look good on the outside, but a closer look always gets you someone who is a couple of decades older than their picture; their single status usually means separated (reality check folks separated doesn’t mean available) and their abundant hobbies usually mean they’re unemployed.

Sports bars: The ones I’ve been to usually have guys in their 20s and from my experience those guys are too overpriced. You have to “put out” more than what you get.

Blind dates: If you read my blog you’ll know that I’ve had a few BBDs (Bad Blind Dates). I’ve been on enough to know that I need to exercise caution and restrain. See Blind Dating Tips

A few days later, my friend and I went out for drinks. We found a local bar that didn’t have a wide-screen T.V. (no sports bars remember?) We “put ourselves on the shelf” so to speak and sat next to two guys hunched over their beer. They didn’t look too promising, but my friend liked the graying blonde; so, I went along with it. His friend didn’t look too amiable and  he didn’t look like he’d “coördinate” with me. She struck up a conversation and before long the four of us were making “small talk,” which I truly hate.

A few drinks later I wanted to get myself “off the shelf” and I whispered to my friend that we should go. But she didn’t want to. My mind was back to shopping mode only this time, I’d given up on the man shopping (at least for now). Since I was broke, I couldn’t even go shopping for handbags, but Michael’s (a local craft store) was having a sale on yarn and I had a 40% coupon in my purse. So I nudged my friend again telling her that I wanted to go and the reason why. Then she said what are you going to do, knit for the rest of your life?

She had a point. Knitting is a passion, but it can’t beat a happy ending with a guy I liked. Then again at that moment I knew for a fact that my chances with scoring a bargain on yarn was a lot more viable than scoring anything with a man. So, what was my newfound perspective? It’s this … Yarn today … man tomorrow. I’m optimistic.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

50 Responses to Shopping for a Man

  1. veehcirra says:

    Shopping for a man, that’s a very interesting way of looking at it girl. Hope next time, you go prepared, seems impulsive buying is not for you 😉

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh Veeh … how right you are. Impulse gets me in trouble with the opposite sex.

  2. trjensen says:

    You crack me up! My issue is liked the over priced ones. I need to get over that. I am also, now that I am officially not dating anyone :(, going to take some time and hang with my female friends. I am going to try and spend less time with the catty ones and more time with the fun ones. I need to get of the house and just … window shop.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yeah, the catty ones are no fun unless you’re the one with the sharp claws meerrrowahhh! Have fun with the chicks Terri 🙂

  3. I think I’ll take up knitting.

    The only man I ever met in a bar and actually ended up in a relationship was JC and we all know how well that went. I usually met guys through friends. Not blind dates but parties, baseball games, that kind of thing.
    At least that way you have some idea about what kind of person they are.

    I liked your post! I actually cringed when you were talking about having to make small talk with those guys. Been there! I always took my own car so I could leave if my g/f hooked up with some guy.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Isn’t small talk the worst? Sometimes we go in separate cars, should have done that 🙂

  4. SALE just means that it’s been on the shelf for a while–I’ve been on the shelf for a while. I’m like canned goods–I can probably survive a nuclear holocaust.
    SALE is still good quality. I’m of good stock and breeding. I have manners. I’m only rude when I want to be and I’m a chick who can laugh at the malfunction of the universe. That’s QUALITY in my opinion.

    AMEN!!!!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Lizzie 🙂

  5. LOL, love this post! I always used the ‘shopping’ analogy with my daughters when it came to dating men. Try a few on, (or more than a few, as many as it takes), and remember a quality man will last longer!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You are a good mom and a great writer. I’ve been peeking at your excerpts 🙂

      • Thanks, Lafemme!

  6. LOL! Great post. Love your attitude. Staying optimistic is the only way to go, you will attract someone who is optimistic as well and be blessed with the love of your life. I met my husband when I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I can honestly say it was love (probably mixed in with a ton of lust) at first sight. I’ve been blessed, and wish the same for you.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Selena … you’ve made my day. Thank you for your comment 🙂

  7. Phil says:

    Um, do you plan to make good use of the fitting room and check out a lot of the merchandise? I hear that sizes and fit vary between brands. Also, what’s the return policy where you shop?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh I’d have to inspect the merchandise real close before any kind of “fitting” takes place. It’s just the way I am 🙂 I shop where the return policy is good! I’m a serial monogamist after all.

      • Phil says:

        Serial monogamist? So you don’t bring several items into the fitting room at a time? Seems inefficient in the shopping sense.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Yes it is Phil … but that’s just the way I fit men into my life 🙂

  8. El Guapo says:

    Head…spinning….from metaphor….

    Though as a guy, I found this fascinating.
    And am glad I found my girl.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You are fortunate Guapo 🙂

      • phhhhfffpt..she found YOU… don;t ya get it? oh who cares they got each other and it;s the coolest damn thing!! but i stilll say she got you .. 😛

        • El Guapo says:

          Say it either way you like, but, as you also say, we got each other!
          woohoo!!!

          • yea I knew it was pointless to try to …argue the point – argue isn’t the right word…I lost a marble have you seen it rolling around anywhere – if someone turns in a marble…i bet it’s mine..i got a screw loose too… 🙄

            • Lafemmeroar says:

              I found your marble and a loose screw. I’ll email it to you 🙂 lol

              • ohthankgoid….phew thanks 🙂 you are the best!

          • I also said IT”S THE COOLEST DAMN THING!!!! don;t forget that part…sorry didn’t mean to yell 🙂

  9. Cinnamon says:

    I love the optimism that you are showing in your schlong shopping…however….as a VERY seasoned shopper and return artist extrodinaire I would caution you about a couple of things.

    1) Sometimes the items on the “sale” rack are put there by lazy employees. This means that, in fact the item on sale could REALLY belong on the “scratch and dent” shelf.

    2) Beware of the men that are really GOOD at the small talk. They obviously have been hanging out on the “on sale” shelf for quite a while. A real conversation doesn’t come as easy to them. And they are probably as “deep” as a shallow mud hole.

    3) Canned goods is a great analogy, but remember not to get stuck with SPAM !!

    Could I suggest a nice, fresh cucumber in the meantime? LOL

  10. Good laughs–thanks!

  11. This made me laugh until I couldn’t laugh anymore… and then re-laugh once my laughing power returned.
    I am so tired of small talk! I am nearly to the point of handing resume’s to people. Like, “You seem decent… here’s my resume. I’ll talk to you later, I’m going to go eat mozzarella sticks!”

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Vicious you are too funny!!!!!! Best comment of the week … mozzarella sticks!!! LMAO big time 🙂

  12. magsx2 says:

    Hi,
    Loved the post, and of course had a good laugh. 😀
    Thank goodness I don’t have to worry about any to that. 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh Mags you lucky chick! 🙂

  13. totsymae1011 says:

    I was watching “Reba” and one of her shows, she went speed dating. I thought it was fun. If I weren’t leaving my abode soon, I’d give it a couple of shots. If only to say I did it. Well, that would be the only reason really. Seems such a silly way to meet a guy.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I did speed dating once. It was fun. I didn’t connect with anyone, but I had fun chatting it up with a bunch of dead end guys. They were all nice for about five minutes. 🙂

  14. PD Williams says:

    LOve it! Now, if I could just find my darn coupons …

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I want a coupon. Imagine a two for one? Ooh lala a menage …..

  15. Ankur Mithal says:

    And they always said that women are being commoditised by posing for products in various degrees of clothing. Men beware !!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh yes, women can objectify just as good as the men 🙂 Thanks for visiting Ankur.

  16. deDeurs says:

    You know, schlong is a good word. It has a, well, a swing to it.
    But personally I think the schlong is the most ridiculous bio-attribute nature – or God – ever invented. There’s nothing wrong with the schlong as long as it droops elegantly (and swings gaily) but the moment the procreation mode sets in, Man looks utterly, utterly silly. Especially when he’s nekkid save for black socks.
    For some reason, men prefer to be nekkid with black socks on. Black socks with wispy hair curling over the tops. Been a man for more than 60 years now and still haven’t fathomed that one.
    Girls, be glad your girls, because nude in black stockings you still look ravishing.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol on “droops elegantly” never “saw” it that way 🙂 You’re too funny.

      • deDeurs says:

        I contemplated to study sexology and win a Nobel prize by writing a book with a revolutionary view on sex. But Alfred Kinsey and Fredric Wertham kept coming out of their graves and threatened to haunt me forever.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          I’m sure you can put your own “sexy spin” on the book 🙂

  17. You always have interesting ways of looking at things.
    Fun …..

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks to my crazy noodle 🙂

    • deDeurs says:

      I see I forgot an interesting detail. The American male Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer-effect. Comes in handy during major black outs, though. And especially these are the times when a tracking guide is needed, and quick.
      (I didn’t get this from Doris Day. Her movie was about a power failure leading to powerful success in the American bedroom, but the script writers were not allowed to give screen time to the powerful details. So all cinema goers got to see, was the black-out. But in the uncut [no pun intended] version one can at least hear Doris’s muffled exclamation ‘Oh my God, I’m blacking out from orgasm!’)

  18. xoxo bb says:

    Knitting vs men…well, an 84 yr old woman just told me a few days ago to never get married…she said it’s not worth it…that’s weird because I read somewhere a long time ago that an 80 yr old woman advised against it too….they must know something we don’t!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      They must xoxo … I’m a knitter myself and yarn has never let me down 🙂 lol I love the schlongs though. 🙂

  19. comicsagogo says:

    The title caught us and we thought perhaps there were keen answers on how to shop for a man … meaning helping a man with his shopping. Like, here are the right kibbles to buy if’n when you are hungry. And, this shirt goes with those pants, so put that other travesty back. While we’re disappointed for the misdirect, we do appreciate the perspectives on schlongcology.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks on appreciating my Schlongisms 🙂

  20. PD Williams says:

    I peeked in at this post when you first published it, but I was buried in 1040s. I’m glad I came back for a re-read! Not only did I again love the post (kinda like morning after pizza), the comments and your responses are a hoot! Once again — thanks!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      PD your comments are reinforcing my bloggitude! I’ve been absent for a while, but it’s because of readers and comments such as yours that I keep going. You’re really making my day.

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