How kids can make you thin

Clipart from

This morning my girlfriend and her two kids (a cute little three and a half-year old girl hellion and a brooding 16-year-old boy) came over to pick me up for breakfast at IHOP. I was running late as usual so I let them in  and finished drying my hair in the bathroom. When I turned off the dryer I heard the little hellion yelling “baby baton, baby baton.”

The hellion was running from my bedroom down the hall and in her hand was my newly purchased (and thankfully unused) Slender Wonder vibrator. The hellion then stopped running, inspected the “baby baton” and turned the pink nub. The baby baton started to buzz  to which the hellion continued her parade and began to chant “buzzing baby baton, buzzing baby baton.” I ran after her, but I wasn’t quick enough for she jumped on her brooding brother’s lap, who was sitting in the living room texting. She waved my Slender Wonder in front of his face. I was mortified. He looked confused. Then the hellion dropped my Slender Wonder on his lap and ran to her mother who was in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee. I immediately grabbed the vibrator from his lap,  rushed to my bedroom and stashed it back inside my night stand. Moments later my friend came in the room with the hellion. I told her what happened. She then said that I should lock “those things” up like she does.

Well dear readers, one benefit of being single, alone and childless is that the only thing I need to lock up is the front door. I am entitled to have a bevy of sex toys (which I don’t; in fact I just bought the Slender Wonder to replace the old vibrator that broke) if I wanted to.

We proceeded to IHOP and I ordered my usual spinach and mushroom omelette. But the food had lost its appeal because the hellion couldn’t sit still. She kept chanting “baby baton” and for some reason she decided to mop the dirty floor with her hand. The brooding boy was no longer brooding either. In fact, he kept looking at me with a sideways grin in between his constant texting.

Was he texting about me? Was he telling his friends about his mother’s BFF and her “baby baton”? My paranoia escalated and my appetite deflated. I would have asked for a doggie bag, but the hellion dipped her hand in my omelette and began licking hollandaise on her palm.  We paid the bill and my friend asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with them. The answer was obvious. They dropped me off  and as I watched her SUV drive away I wondered how she balanced sanity and children. I immediately threw away my Slender Wonder. After this morning’s incident, I would never get any pleasure out of it. Memories.

I’ve often wondered how some mothers actually become thinner after pregnancy. It doesn’t happen to all, but I’ve seen friends who have become skin and bones after pregnancy. Then I realized that children can be the biggest appetite suppressant of all.

Dejectedly yours,


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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

20 Responses to How kids can make you thin

  1. Not quite the same but when my daughter was little you could spread out 200 little items on a table including a razor blade. Should would immediately reach for that item like they were magical magnets drawn to each other. Spinach and mushroom pizza too is the bomb. .

  2. ericmvogt says:

    Bahahahaha! Fettucini, I think you were creamed. Oh, I’m sorry. Just the opposite, actually. I anticipate your next piece so much I’m vibrating with excitement. Funny, girl! Ha! 😀

  3. Lmao! Baby baton! Way to kill a perfectly good relationship with a chick’s vibrator. 3yr olds and vibrators are not a good combo. Was the brooding teen ager wearing a hoody? I love that grim reaper look, it suits the antisocial behaviour and bad attitude.
    Sounds like a lovely start to a day, if you were feeling lonely I bet you weren’t by the time you got home!

    I have to ask, what possessed her to have children 12 years apart! No thank you!!

    Hope your day got better

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You know those things are pretty secret. Only my hands should have access to them. Can’t remember what he was wearing … this post is a reblog from one of my earliest posts and I wanted new readers to get a load of my life then … actually nothing has changed!!!!!! BTW did you get the email I sent? resent it …. 🙂

  4. The Hook says:

    The IHOP in Niagara is ridiculously over-priced. You need to fill out a loan application before you can order…
    Hang in there, lady!

  5. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm you can keep vibrators on your mantle. YOU don’t have kids…and the world’s kids aren’t YOUR responsibility. Buzz on girl!!!!

  6. becca3416 says:

    RIP Slender Wonder.

  7. –I can always click over here for a good snicker. :))))))) xx

  8. Phil Gayle_For Singles and Couples says:

    LOL! Kids hey…don’t you just love ’em??? 🙂
    No, seriously they are not all noisy and brats, it really does depend how they’re brought up.
    You’re right, having your own space really does mean you don’t have to lock your “play things” up, but Lafemme, you really need to put them under lock and key when you have visitors. 😉

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