Speaking my Mind

Self-expression is the choice between satisfying the stirrings of my emotional conscience and burning bridges. Good behavior makes me feel like a soloist in a symphony with an indifferent, but hostile audience. Play flawlessly and the audience is silent, but hit a wrong note and receive hisses and jeers.

I don’t want to be difficult, disagreeable or MEAN, but I can be. I don’t want to be different for the sake of being unique, such contrivances are pedestrian antics of a lost soul. I’m no longer lost, but I haven’t reached my destination either. But I am/can be different because we cannot ALL BE THE SAME. In my circle of reality, I am the lone femme–single, never married and childless. 

I am an oxymoron moving within the flow of life. I go unnoticed and then a malfunction of that flow showcases my existence. I’m like the little red dot on the bull’s-eye, the prized goal of social hunters looking to practice their marksmanship. 

One day at another bar-be-cue at a married with kids friend’s house where the other guests were also married with kids I turned into that red target when a long-lost (too bad she didn’t stay lost) Frenemy spotted me chomping on fried cheese(I no longer touch the stuff). In the past, the polite hostility Frenemy and I regarded each other, for the sake of civility among the throng, displayed a “certain” social grace. It was during these moments that I truly felt mature and evolved in curbing my utmost desire to sock her right in her pie hole.

Wikimedia Commons

I hoped we’d acknowledge each other with a friendly and fake nod and be on with it, but Frenemy sat down beside me for a chat disturbing me and my cheese as she asked the usual questions: married? No. kids? No. boyfriend? No. She proceeded in the fashion of a benevolent advisor to criticize me. She adjusted her skinny ass on the couch and delivered another round of assaulting remarks that went something like this:

Frenemy: I don’t know anybody in your situation.

Me: Situation?

Frenemy: You know being a spinster and childless.

**I didn’t know people still used the word spinster, but this piece of cervix next to me did.  

Frenemy: Why do you think your relationships never worked out? 

Me: I don’t know.

Frenemy:  You’re in denial. Have you thought of therapy?

Me: I’d rather spend my money on shoes and handbags, but I guess mental health is also important.

**Frenemy didn’t laugh at the joke and instead “chick checked” me with condescending eyeballs that I wanted to gauge out with my thumbs. 

Frenemy: Marriage isn’t for the faint of heart or for the giveruppers.

Me: I haven’t given up.

Frenemy The older you get the slimmer the chances. Are you okay with being alone?

Me: Sure.

Frenemy: I know this guy that I could set you up with. He’s divorced; not the greatest catch, but I think you guys would make a good couple.

Me: Oh?

Frenemy: He’s not a loser. Just not successful like my H (her poor husband), but he has a good heart. And he’s not picky.

**Was giving me a pity date with a “loser” who wasn’t picky? 

Was I for real in my responses? I haven’t given up? Sure? Oh?  Obviously not. Frenemy was getting her hits and she kept on going. She went on to boast about her happily married life (I wonder if her hubby knows about this) and three wonderful kids and her high power dream job.

Frenemy: I know women can have it all. I’ve got a great career and a family. If you can’t afford therapy you should really think about self-improvement.

*Who said I couldn’t afford therapy? Shoes and purses are my therapy. And can you believe Frenemy got the gall to sneak a self-help insult on me? By this time my temper percolated to the anxious simmer of a crock pot.

Me: I’m not really into that self-help stuff.

Frenemy: You should be. I’m all about self-improvement How do you think I plan to move up in my job?

Me: By sniffing the stink of your boss’ ass then getting poked and prodded on all fours?

** I said with a big smile.

Frenemy gasped and turned white; her lips tightened into the sneer of a Cruella de Vil, but all she could come up with was:

Frenemy: I’m not going to dignify that statement with a response.

Me: Oh I’m sorry. You probably don’t like being on all fours with those knobby knees and all.

Frenemy stood up and left. Then I realized we had an audience (thankfully all the kids were outside–the last thing I needed was a kid asking their mommy about what being poked and prodded meant). Some were astonished and some looked like they enjoyed the show. But moments later the guilt and the shame crept in. I could have taken the high road and ignored her insults; yet, I went low with my big mouth.

To top it off, I wasn’t even sure on the accuracy of my remarks. I mean … she looked like a brown-noser, but I couldn’t really be certain if she’d truly sniffed ass at work. And maybe she didn’t like getting reamed from the back and preferred the missionary position although there’s nothing “Mother Theresaish” about Frenemy’s disposition. I wanted to apologize and tell her that she probably did earn her way to the top through her sheet merit as an expert back stabber (which I know from experience). But by the time I mustered the courage to apologize she had left the party.

I had to admit that telling her what I thought felt orgasmic. I”m sure she went home to her great big house and the next morning, she’ll go to her great big job with knee pads on. I truly hope she gets what she deserves in life.

Do you have a frenemy? 

Join the Crazy Chicks Club.

Click here if you’re a Crazy Freak.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

48 Responses to Speaking my Mind

  1. I used to, but I don’t anymore. The closest I’ve come to this in recent history is people at work I have to tolerate even though we know we both hate each other.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I hate the frenemy at work! Makes it hard to speak your mind … 🙂

  2. ericmvogt says:

    Two thumbs up for lafemme. I think you are awesome. Can’t wait for you to post your next story. ROFL. I left all my frenemies when I retired. I get along well with people at my pt job. I can just imagine what it felt like to be there. Probably the same emotions as I felt when I learned you pithy me. Hey, maybe we can get together and have a pithy party. Bahahaha! 😉

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Are making “pun” of me? lol! Always love your comments 🙂

      BTW, you were in the military right? Imagine having a gun totting frenemy … then again you were toting one too right? I guess that makes it an even challenge.

  3. ericmvogt says:

    Not if you get a bigger gun. Clint Eastwood always got his frenemies with his .44 magnum. Are you feelin’ lucky, Ms. Skinnyass? Go ahead. Make my day! 😀

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Actually I am! lol 🙂

  4. in the military they were the ones most likely to get shot in the back,,,, just saying..
    wow you held out longer than I would but the guilt always always gets me and I hate that – but it just means you are a decent human being …. Great comeback to her idiocy btw lmao!!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I have more snarky comebacks than a blimp has hot air! I know that I will never run out … most of the time I do keep it to myself though 🙂

  5. confessionsofyourhusbandsmistress says:

    I think it’s awesome you stood up for yourself. Obviously this woman has no clue about life! You have the wit to pull off something like this, I just cower and burn with resentment later.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Confessions … I lose my temper verbally … although I could never really hit anybody. I’d be too afraid of getting sued! Verbal assaults on the other hand … don’t cause any bruises 🙂

  6. sparkylaurie says:

    Friends / enemies are easy to deal with, but dealing with frenemies can be really tricky.I guess speaking the honest truth with them is the best way out! You still have your sarcastic humor edge intact….reading this post made me smile! Have an awesome day!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Sparky. I know that I’m a “cunning linguist” … I always do have a good comeback. But … I do need to be more benevolent I guess …. neh … sometimes snarky is best 🙂

  7. Morrighan says:

    LMAO!!… i loved the red parts, piece of cervix was priceless! i got to remember that one.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I liked that line too 🙂 Glad to give you a chuckle tonight Morrighan 🙂

  8. renxkyoko says:

    Frenemy is so rude. is she a real person?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yes, but I wish she weren’t … 🙂

      • renxkyoko says:

        Huh ? There’s is such a person? omg !

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Well … in the past I’ve tended to bring out the worst in people ’cause of my twisted noodle.

  9. Life is way to short to be around people like her. You rock. I know what you mean in hindsight about wishing you had filtered, but sometimes you just gotta let er rip babe…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It was orgasmic while it was coming out of my mouth and to be honest there was a little fear on my part in case she cried … I mean I didn’t want to be the bad guy know what I mean? But I did let er rip … like gas that has been fermenting, begging to be set FREE 🙂

  10. Let me tell you you have now been elected as an official heroine in my small world. Don’t feel any shame. The smug bitch had it coming and you gave it to her between the eyes. After I’ve written this I shall read the entry at least twice more because I enjoyed it so much. I once met a grinding bore, who droned on and on about his triumphs in comparison to mine. I smiled in a glazed way as he over dosed on self flattery. As I was leaving I said. “Goodbye, I have to say meeting you was a thorougly second-rate experience”. The look on his face was priceless and I have treasured it for years. There are many of his victims who would probably buy me a drink. I am certain you are in the same position. I could go on praising you until my comment was bigger than your post, but that smacks of rudness as well. I am normally the soul of politeness, but sometimes being rude is a social duty.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol on “I have to say meeting you was a thorougly second-rate experience” omg that was an absolutely good one!!!!!!!!!!! OMG you’re right; being rude IS a social duty … I never thought of it as being a public service. OMG you are tooooooooo HILARIOUS! I seriously need to do a post of comments I’ve received … and this one would make it to the top of my list. I’m so happy that I’m back blogging again … you know sometimes life just gets in the way of my being a crazy chick, but I love it and I totally LUV U!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. Tori Nelson says:

    I had frenemies for a long, long time. Then I realized they weren’t frenemies, not even a little friendly, just mostly a-holes. The past few years I’ve essentially dumped a LOT of old friends because at the end of the day I want to be around people that I actually like to be around.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Tori you’re right! As for me the older I get I realize that it’s important to be with people I can just have an awesome conversation with. We’ll talk about silly things … I mean I recently had dinner with a friend and we talked for 45 minutes about juicing and after that it was about something crafty she was making for Christmas. I love that kind of talk … it’s so nourishing to the soul. Oooh I might just do a post about what nourishes my soul kinda like chicken soup for the soul except no chicken! 🙂

  12. Jeff says:

    Can’t say I blame you for finally responding that way. I’ve never understood people like that, who feel like they have the “right” to just criticize people like that. What’s good for me is what’s good for me. What’s good for you is good for you. And that’s it. If we can’t get along over that, then it certainly doesn’t help to be critical. Had I been in the “audience,” I’m sure I would have “snort-laughed” at your response, possibly spewing whatever drink was in my possession at the time.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I believe some people enjoyed the exchange. And you’re right “what’s good for me is what’s good for me.” Also, people like that criticize in the “most benevolent way” as if they’re doing you a favor! Thanks always Jeff for your insightful comments 🙂 You are always welcome in my crazy chick world 🙂

      BTW I’m always curious how people “snort-laughed” 🙂 Mine have scared sleeping babies …

  13. I cut my last frenemy from my life about 6 years ago–she actually made it very easy because she moved away–and I haven’t made any new ones since. Getting older has some benefits. I’ve learned to spot caustic souls and I don’t even let them get close.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol on “and I haven’t made any new ones since” you are such a witty crazy chick … I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! 🙂

  14. This>>>>piece of cervix. LOVE. IT.

    You go, girl! (I know that’s cliche, but it truly fits here)

    I would have been tempted to tell her that I’m really not on the market since I’ve been dating her husband. LOL

    Problem with these type of people, it doesn’t end with badgering single people about their status. Once you get married…”when are you having kids.” So then you populate the world with one kid and it’s…”Well, aren’t you going to have another one?”

    I pull out my otherwise hidden smart-ass personality, and then just stay away from idiots and toxic people. The world if full of them.

    You handled it well!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh Selena telling her that you’ve been dating her husband is a good one! You insult and ruin her marriage at the same time … you twisted noodle!!!!!!
      Oh and don’t even get me started with the kids part … there was a nice woman who said to me, when she found out I didn’t have any kids “oh that’s too bad” … she was nice though and I don’t think she meant it in a bad way … so I kept my mouth shut, but it’s DEFINITELY not the first time I’ve heard those words.

      • Of course I’m a twisted noodle, I’m a crazy chick after all 😉

        It doesn’t seem to matter to some people, you have one kid they say you need more. You have 20 kids…well then you get a reality tv show and make big bucks…

        People are nuts and some have no class when they say stuff like that to you.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Oh Selena you are funny!!!!!!!!!!!! You know I’ve been using twisted noodle a lot. I think I need to include that prerequisite in the Crazy Chicks Club 🙂

          • Yes, you should have an application form.

            Are you twisted – check
            Enough to embrace being a twisted noodle? – check
            Can you bitch slap with words and a smile – check
            Will you proudly proclaim you are a crazy chick – check

            If you answered no to any of the questions, you are probably going to get bitch slapped, but we mean it in a nice way of course 🙂

            • Lafemmeroar says:

              You just gave me an idea for a blog post 🙂 Oh you awesome crazy chick!

  15. 10000movies says:

    Well, being different from the crowd is tough. But IMHO it is very important for someone to acknowledge his/her own self for being what it is and not what others wish/want him/her to be. If we get pissed at remarks others make for us (it used to happen to me a lot in the past, but now it is less frequent), it is because there is something bothering us. So, the exercise is – for our own sake and nobody else’ s – to contemplate on the why it did bother us. It may take a lot of effort to find the “why” but at the end it provides a balance.
    Never had the readiness to respond the way you did: I’d like to have the ability even if I’d never practice it.
    Usually people like that, adopt a “foreign” model that make them deep inside unhappy. The success they advertise to others, comes from the need to balance the price they pay with social acceptance from people they think they may “sell” it to. Pathetic.
    Yes there is a frenemy/relative but I managed to stay away and will not allow her to get ever close. My time and soul-state are precious to get wasted on such individuals.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I am naturally sarcastic, snarky and sadistic… 3 S’s … and the sick part is … when I’m in those situations … I enjoy it, then I regret opening my mouth. Oh I should post about my experience while Christmas shopping last week … this woman gave me the dirtiest look when she saw me holding a big jar of green juice. Okay it wasn’t pretty to look at as it did look like some kind of brownish/greenish/reddish (the beets) muck. She looked sooooo disgusted when she saw me holding it and I had it with me ’cause it was my lunch! Anywho, I’ll save what I said/did for the post. Thanks for the idea 10000 Movies! 🙂

  16. Tony McGurk says:

    Ha Ha!!! That was hilarious. Nice to see Frenemy get her come-uppance

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Tony … my life as a crazy chick has it’s moments of hilarity 🙂

  17. daxeros says:

    Lol! Wow, great zing with your “all fours” comment! I would call your “frenemy” a self righteous bitch, but your coinage is much more, for lack of a better term, poetic.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I guess my snarky comment was her “poetic justice.” Thank for visiting Daxeros 🙂

  18. I get to see my frenemy at my work Christmas party. She will be there talking down to me, telling me about her upcoming wedding and probably saying in front of my coworkers that my hair is fake. She really did the last thing the last time I saw her.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Well… the sooner she gets married, the sooner she can get divorced … and as far as the hair thing goes … you can ask her if her mustache is fake and that she should leave it behind when she “jumps the broom” …. watta witchipoo

  19. Phil Gayle_For Singles and Couples says:

    “Piece of Cervix”…Ouchhhhh….
    I tend to believe women have more Frenemies than men.
    No one likes smug conceited people (whether single or married) but the one thing that gets my goat is the fact that some think they can insult others without expecting any come-back.
    In saying that, sometimes when we are pushed to boiling point we should take a moment to pause to be more ‘calculated’ with our responses. 🙂

    I have two un-married sisters, one who is very happy that way, the other who wants to be married, regularly receives the frenemy jibes but gives as good as she gets.

    Lois tends to think there is no such thing as a ‘sisterhood’ and thinks many women are not
    happy to see others happy or independent and I’m beginning to agree.

    Humorous as usual hon…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      There are good women out there who are supportive of each other and the vice versa as well … it all depends. I’m naturally sarcastic and I can be sardonic and snarky … so when I spew those nasties … it is like breathing sometimes … 🙂

  20. Totally hysterical! I loved every word and you’re one clever woman. Thanks for giving me a great laugh much needed. Frenemy? You betcha. All through the years-many years. That’s why I like men mo’ better. Thank you for following me. Please comment sometime.
    Love and good health to you from Charmaine

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hey Charmaine! Who needs “mo better blues” with a frenemy when you can have fun with “MO BETTER MEN“!!!!!!! 🙂

  21. ctoby says:

    Late to the party as usual, but I have to say “Piece of cervix” is timeless. Classic. The Chanel No. 5 of insults, my dear.Brava! I’m shamelessly stealing that one.
    I have very few true friends; I’ve never been in denial about that. It takes a special sort to go the distance with a Crazy Chick. Frenemies? Nope. Cut loose that dead wood long ago…And I’ll tell ya whut: I have a lot more regret for the things I *haven’t* said, these days, than the things I say. 😉
    The last person who asked me why I didn’t have any children “at my age” got the truth: I had a baby who died, full term, in utero, and I didn’t want to go through the pain of another pregnancy, so I had my tubes tied at age 22. I said exactly those words, in a very even tone. I looked the person straight in the eyeballs as I said it, so she would know I wasn’t ‘joking.’ She had the grace to apologize to me. Did I let that go? Nope. I said, “Thanks, and next time you might want to think twice before you ask a relative stranger such a personal question, Ace.” She slunk out of the break room and hasn’t spoken to me since. Thank you, Jesus.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It seems that line is quite popular with the crazy chicks 🙂 Saying what you want at the right time can be very ORGASMIC! Sorry to hear about your baby and yes someone asking the “why” question is rude and it’s hostility masked by curiosity. You’re my kind of crazy chick … now I am officially inviting you to join the club … so please leave a comment on the page 🙂

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