Health, Excess and Holiday Stress
November 25, 2012 35 Comments
Thanksgiving took a toll on my body. I ate and drank as if it were the last day on earth.When I woke up Friday I found a note on my pillow.
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Dear Lafemme,

By Tibor Végh (Tenerife 2010 124.JPG) [CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
Have you no shame? Why would you subject us to such toil? Why your small and large intestines had to work double duty just to digest all that crap you ate. And your sphincter muscles are comatose, which means that you’ll probably have to take laxatives or go for a colonic. Don’t even get me started on your poor liver. It’s been working overtime trying to detox your body from all that alcohol. Kidney told me that he needs therapy after your indulgence so don’t blame him if your blood pressure goes up. Your pancreas is trying to convince the rest of us to boycott you entirely. He’s threatening to go on a permanent vacation the next time you eat to excess ’cause he’ll stop producing insulin and those oh so important digestive enzymes you need. How’s that for a wake up call!
And your stomach, poor thing, has ballooned up so much that all he needs is a bit of hot air and he’ll probably float away to “Tubbolardland.” Do you want to go back to wearing your double SPANX? I don’t think so. Please exercise caution next time there’s a party and try to limit your calorie and alcohol consumption. You’ve been warned.
Sincerely,
Your Heart
My Response:
Dear Organs,
Why you lazy bunch of no good cells … you’ve been spoiled the last few months! Vacation is over! If you don’t start doing your job, I’ll replace you! I’ve signed up for a multiple organ transplant and I’ve bribed the powers that be to put my name on top of the LIST.
So get back to work and quit complaining if you wanna be around for the holidays and not on some research lab getting sliced up. I need you guys in tip top shape ’cause Christmas is a comin’ and you know how much I love eating them cream puffs. And this is a special message to you liver and pancreas … get up off your lazy butts. New Year’s Eve is near and I’ll need you up and ready to detox me for I plan to drink like a thirsty fish that night.
Sincerely,
Lafemme
***
Needless to say, I have not heard a peep out of those lazy organs. I guess threatening them with that transplant put their sense of duty back into their noggins. Humph … they know who the master is now! Sure I haven’t had a good dump in a while, my blood pressure is high, and my doc said that I’ll probably need dialysis, but I think it’s all due to holiday stress. If you don’t hear from me in the next couple of weeks my noodle is probably just hibernating the way bears do when it’s cold and not because my “innards” have given up on me.
Just eliminating sausage/pepperoni stuff and reduce red meat will probably add years to your life. Another way to live longer is to owe a lot of money. Your creditors will do everything possible to keep you alive.
lol on the debt … living miserably paying off debt is good for longevity … that’s a funny oxymoron 🙂 You have such a twisted noodle Carl 🙂
Love it.
Glad you like it Cameo 🙂
But did you gave fun?
I like Carl’s good advice, he makes it all sound so do-able!
Yes I did have fun Patti… 🙂 Carl is a crazy dude … I just love him! He makes me smile on a daily basis 🙂
If I had recieved a note like that from my organs I can tell you exactly what I would have done. Gone to the nearest DMV and volunteered to be an organ donor. That would teach them !!!
LMAO Cinnamon! Wish I’d thought of that … 🙂 You are an awesome Crazy Chick!!!!! 🙂
I am already starting with the damn cookies…never good. But hey, it’s Christmas!!!
It’s time to be jolly … and if cookies will do that … more power to you! I saw your cookie recipe and I will try it for the kids 🙂
Lmao! That right there was hilarious! You tell those organs who’s BOSS!
That’s right I’m the boss of my gut and innards and no amount of protesting can tell me otherwise … 🙂
It’s good to remind your organs every so often that they have to work for you. I always opt for a large amount of vodka or Irish Whiskey to perk them up, but a grotesque portion of dark chocolate truffles did it for me this weekend. Time for the treadmill and a lot of guilt trips from my pants, which have gotten strangely tighter recently. 🙂 love the post, chica!
lol on “grotesque portion of dark chocolate” what a beautiful way to say it!!!! Wish I had come up with that line … 🙂
Dear Noodles, the Turkey producers, the Wild Turkey distillers and the baby alien in your tummy all say “Thanks for your support! See you in a month!” 😀
I’ve gotta strong gut Eric … they can complain and complain, but I’ll keep a shovelin’ the excess ’cause it’s just that time of the year 🙂
Those two pictures are enough to cause most to go on a fast and detox…lol! ewwwww yuk.
I’ve always wondered a woman can have sex comfortably and be ‘fulfilled’ if her man’s gut is the size of the guys on the beach…dear oh dear.
All I can say is that the schlong better be able to “peek” through the excess flesh
Lol! should read… “how a woman can…” 😉
Peek through…lol! excess flesh…eewwwwwww.
What more can I say, other than you’re right. 😉
Phil … I have my moments of “correctness” 🙂
Good God, this was clever and hilarious!
Glad it gave you a chuckle Hook! 🙂 Always love your visits 🙂
hilarious 🙂
Glad to give you a chuckle 🙂
Glad you told those whiny organs of yours what’s what. My stomach and I are currently at odds. She keeps grumbling and I keep insisting that deciding to eat my weight in pie was a solid choice 🙂
lololol Tori … “weight in pie” ….”solid choice” loll … that’s my logic many times as well! 🙂 You’re too funny!
Pie Hole rules!!!!
It always wins over logic Joe 🙂
Funny how we don’t need much of an excuse to undo all the hard we we’ve done to keep as fit as we can. We’re so darned human, aren’t we? 🙂
Lorna you are a very wise woman! “Damned humans” indeed …
In reality, I’m back to juicing. But I’m drinking coffee this morning (I try to avoid it) ’cause it was cold and my noodle needs something warm to take it out of stasis.
Yes, back to reality for me, too…
What a bossy style with those poor organs!! It’s scary! :))
Yeah! They better be scared of their master! 🙂
lmfao AGAIN! I really should know better by now not to be drinking anything when I read your stuff…. s l o w learner. Oh well, at least my nasal passages are clear now.
Giiiiirrrrrlllll …. I hope you weren’t drinking anything carbonated! OUCH 😦