Health, Excess and Holiday Stress

Thanksgiving took a toll on my body. I ate and drank as if it were the last day on earth.When I woke up Friday I found a note on my pillow.

***

Dear Lafemme,

By Tibor Végh (Tenerife 2010 124.JPG) [CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

After months of eating healthy you finally cleansed your body of the toxins you’ve been polluting it with for most of your life. And in one day you ruined all that hard work by opening your pie hole to all that fatty food loaded with butter, eggs and who knows what else. To top it off, you imbibed so much booze that you were barely able to walk straight at the end of the night. What kind of way is that to treat your inner organs? Do you want to end up looking like a crazy chick version of this whale man on the beach?

Have you no shame? Why would you subject us to such toil? Why your small and large intestines had to work double duty just to digest all that crap you ate. And your sphincter muscles are comatose, which means that you’ll probably have to take laxatives or go for a colonic. Don’t even get me started on your poor liver. It’s been working overtime trying to detox your body from all that alcohol. Kidney told me that he needs therapy after your indulgence so don’t blame him if your blood pressure goes up. Your pancreas is trying to convince the rest of us to boycott you entirely. He’s threatening to go on a permanent vacation the next time you eat to excess ’cause he’ll stop producing insulin and those oh so important digestive enzymes you need. How’s that for a wake up call!

DOUBLE MY SPANX

And your stomach, poor thing, has ballooned up so much that all he needs is a bit of hot air and he’ll probably float away to “Tubbolardland.” Do you want to go back to wearing your double SPANX? I don’t think so. Please exercise caution next time there’s a party and try to limit your calorie and alcohol consumption. You’ve been warned.

Sincerely,

Your Heart

My Response:

Dear Organs,

Why you lazy bunch of no good cells … you’ve been spoiled the last few months! Vacation is over! If you don’t start doing your job, I’ll replace you! I’ve signed up for a multiple organ transplant and I’ve bribed the powers that be to put my name on top of the LIST. 

So get back to work and quit complaining if you wanna be around for the holidays and not on some research lab getting sliced up. I need you guys in tip top shape ’cause Christmas is a comin’ and you know how much I love eating them cream puffs. And this is a special message to you liver and pancreas … get up off your lazy butts.  New Year’s Eve is near and I’ll need you up and ready to detox me for I plan to drink like a thirsty fish that night.

Sincerely,

Lafemme

***

Needless to say, I have not heard a peep out of those lazy organs. I guess threatening them with that transplant put their sense of duty back into their noggins. Humph … they know who the master is now! Sure I haven’t had a good dump in a while, my blood pressure is high, and my doc said that I’ll probably need dialysis, but I think it’s all due to holiday stress. If you don’t hear from me in the next couple of weeks my noodle is probably just hibernating the way bears do when it’s cold and not because my “innards” have given up on me.

 

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar