Online Dating Misadventures Part 3.2

An old post for my new readers … enjoy!

My quest to find love online continues. Each dating website I explored echoed the human condition–we’re all a big mess and we’re all looking for love to give us a sense of peace and order in a malfunctioning universe. Here’s my adventure with Love Access:

Love Access is free, but you can’t make initial contact until you upgrade. But upgraded members can send you instant messages. So, I explored the site looking for the incentive to drop some dough in my search for “true love.”

I found an interesting video chat room named the “Zoo” with a warning statement: “Please Don’t Feed the Animals.” Profanity in the Zoo is as prevalent as weeds on a neglected lawn and the conversation delves into the banter of people on meds or those who need meds. I clicked on a few chatters with video cams. Some were rather mundane (woman playing guitar, guy scratching his balls, drunk woman trying to act sexy), but some images I saw would haunt my mind for weeks.

I grew bored and decided to chime in on the chat. I began by commenting correcting spelling errors. I told a member named “tuttyl” that “%unt” was spelled with a “c” and not a “k.” Then he told me to “%ick off spilcheckir.” I corrected him again then “Barbie 90210” said that I should “mined my business.” I gave up on the rudimentary spelling lessons and asked another “zooer” named “yummyman” his location and he said “from between your legs.” Well at least “yummyman” can spell. I tried once more to strike a coherent conversation and asked the chatters if they’ve seen any good movies. They responded with these titles: “The Human Centipede,” “Deep Throat IV,” and “Pirates.” I don’t think they meant “Pirates of the Caribbean.”

Then a “detectman” invited me to a private chat. I accepted. Expecting the worst, I was surprised when he began the chat with “I’ve been hurt many times by women.” I told him to go on (big mistake) and he did. Well dear readers, he went on to say what a nice guy he is and about how much he “loves to please women.” The chat quickly went from rated G to almost X until I cut him off and replied that I’m not into “Chatterotica.” Then he told me to have a nice life before I jump off a cliff. I thought that nice turn of phrase was funny, but before I could type “lol” he was gone.

By Max Fleischer (U.S. Patent D86,224 [1]) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

I left the Zoo and checked on members (12 so far) who viewed my profile. I was doing very well considering I only uploaded a picture of Betty-Boop (I wouldn’t reveal myself by uploading my avatar!). One member had this intro line: “I don’t care where you are in the world, but if your profile says you’re from Utah, but you’re actually from Uganda, then you’ve already lied 2 me.

Had I lied about myself by uploading Betty-Boop? So I deleted Betty and left my picture empty–just like my love life. I decided that it would be a good idea to keep my account active as I plan to re-visit the Zoo. Next time I’ll bring a treat and a whip for the animals. 

Stay tuned for Part 3.3 and click here for previous posts.

Dateless but not hopeless,


© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

20 Responses to Online Dating Misadventures Part 3.2

  1. 10000movies says:

    so many … broken noodles out there :)). There is a saying; “who is insisting, wins!”.

  2. ericmvogt says:

    Bahahahahahaha! Noodles, A woman of your depth is definitely not hopeless! I am still laughing… 😀

  3. nancyelauzon says:

    LOL, you go, girl. Keep on correcting that grammar. I heard a story today about a comedy writer who got into it with Chris Brown on Twitter. He called her a ‘Hoe’. She wrote back: ‘It’s ‘Ho’, and you’re an idiot.’ Too funny!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lmao! I wish I followed Chris Brown so I could have seen the exchange … the thing is … if one is gonna insult somebody they really need to get the derogatory name correct… a hoe is something you use to shovel dirt right? Oh well if she were thin I would have just said S.O.S. (Slut on a Stick) less generic than ho …. 🙂

  4. I have found flirty questions like, ” Does anyone know the name of a reliable oven cleaner”. help I find that kind of incisive and peceptive questioning soon cuts to the chase and separates the men who are only after your body from the ones who truely desire to hear about your recipees. I hope this tip helps.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lmao!!!!!! oh oven cleaner sure gets my juices going …. bahahahahahahahaha and if the dudes aren’t after your body … they’re probably neat freaks …hey! that’ll do! 🙂

  5. Phil Gayle_For Singles and Couples says:

    Lafem honey, that sounded as though you were in a safari park….stay in your car and stay the heck out of there.
    You have the makings of a good book about On-line dating..However, you may actually be paid by all mentioned not to get the book published…a money maker either way. lol! 😉

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      PHil! I’ve been thinking of writing a book about my blog. I’d have to fictionalize the story of course to protect the guilty “ME” but I’ve been seriously thinking about it. IT would be the adventures of a woman searching for truth, meaning and love in her existence. I think it would be a funny book … the book I wrote (black comedy) is hibernating right now … and the Lafemme book has been burning a hole in my noodle for months …

  6. Truly correcting spelling of the animals should have worked, but then I suspect half were under 18, the rest self-medicated.

  7. Pingback: Don’t take it personally, It just wasn’t the right fit. | Jodie's Journey

  8. Jodie says:

    Lol, you meet some real winners in chatrooms, sometimes a nice guy pops in, but that’s rare. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feed the animals for a good laugh, well and fodder for my stories, I mean while I have a twisted imagination, it’s not as twisted as some of these peoples.

    oh, love the story, 🙂

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