How to Conduct a Relationship Exorcism

As a single, never been married Crazy Chick I am the self-proclaimed expert on relationship exorcisms. I have performed many and I’ve helped other chicks as well 🙂

You need a relationship exorcism when:

♦ you’ve become a zombie because his mind has taken over your whole being

♦ he’s turned from being your friend and lover to being your tormentor

♦ he thinks you’re a punching bag

♦ your credit card is maxed out from charges he made to P.O.R.N. (P@ssy Open and Ready Now)

♦ you’ve become his personal maid service

♦ he stops lying to you and says “yeah I’m cheating live with it”

♦ his schlong is jack hammering elsewhere

If you said yes to any of the above, it’s clear that the once love of your life has been possessed by a selfish and mean schlong.  

Here’s the 100% Effective way to exorcise that bad schlong out of your man!

For the exorcism you will need:

• Arsenic instead of holy water 

• A hot poker instead of a cross 

• Throw down words instead  of prayers.

• Duck tape instead of rope. Unless you’re a cowgirl who knows how to tie good knot.

Instructions:

Put a dash of arsenic in his cocktail. Just a tad won’t kill.

Once he’s knocked out get some duck tape. Bind his arms and legs to the bed.

When he comes to he might think you’re up to some kinky hanky panky–boy is he in for a surprise! 🙂

If he tries to shimmy out of his shackles stick him with a hot poker and tell him to stay still. 

If he gets lippy give him some throw down words followed with a good punch in the mouth.  

**Now, alternate with the throw down words (yeah! tell him what you really think), the mouth punch (to shut him up) and the hot poker (it’ll be orgasmic sticking it to him) until he’s exhausted. He won’t be able to speak, but the sweat and the pleading behind the gag should be an indication that the exorcism is working. Now, repeat the process a dozen or more times until you’ve broken the schlong out of him and he’s back to the sweet man you once knew. 🙂

Testimonials from satisfied Crazy Chicks

Thank you so much. Your exorcism worked on my abusive hubby. I finally broke him down to the blubbering idiot he once was and now the only thing he can do is nod his head. So when I ask him for more money he just nods. When I tell him to dump the trash he nods like a tamed zombie. You’re a genius Lafemme!

Bonita Dumplemeister

♥♥♥♥

I never thought that I could get rid of that schlong in my life, but your exorcism is 100% effective! I didn’t have a hot poker so I used a meat thermometer instead. I had to poke many many many times, but it worked. It’s amazing how much my teeny-weeny poker made him scream when I poked his eye out. It’s a miracle!  The schlong is now gone and I’ve got my man back! He has to wear an eye patch now … I just love my one-eyed spineless hunny bunny. 

Domita Natrix

♥♥♥♥

My friend told me about your exorcism technique. I was skeptical at first, but I’m convinced that you are a crazy chick who knows how to really whip a bad schlong into shape. My schlong was such a domineering man and now he’s as tame as a stuffed parakeet. I’ve got my freedom back. I’m a happy crazy chick  again thanks to you Lafemme.

Lady Bird Sprinkles

♥♥♥♥

Disclaimer: The above is for hypothetical exorcism purposes only. Lafemmeroar does not have access to arsenic and she’s never used a hot poker on a human. She is good at the throw down words, but her throw down words are like benign sticks and stones and they really can’t eradicated anyone “permanently.” Her verbal abuse only stuns them “momentarily.” Wives or girlfriends who want to get rid of their man schlong  must do it within the legal limits of the law.  Any similarity of the above to homicidal thoughts/tendencies is purely coincidental. Lafemmeroar is NOT to be held liable or responsible for any consequences, injuries, or fatalities that may occur in the execution of the above exorcism.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar