Advice for Bad Men

A fellow blogger named Eric is such a fan of my “whacky” blog that he took it upon himself to write today’s post. Make sure to visit his blog He writes poetry and short stories 🙂


Once upon a time, there was a girl named Lafemme. She kept getting approached by tall, dark handsome men. They would go out for a while and then turn into schlongs. Then she finally decided that it was just not worth it to be a schlong magnet. She would make some money off of it. So she started a syndicated newspaper article called Dear Schlabby.

She would direct all schlongs there for advice. She was really, really good at it, too. She saved many schlongs from beschlongings (sort of like a beheading but with a different organ). This was the first schlong to answer and start her adventure into tabloid stardom:

Dear Schlabby,

My relationship with my woman is going sour. She just doesn’t love me. She is so selfish. All she wants to do is hug and kiss and have wholehearted lovemaking and take romantic walks in the park and drink a glass of wine in the moonlight. And to top it off she told me she has had enough of basketball, football, baseball, foosball and beer balls. What is a man to do?

Ronald McSchlongald

Lafemme pondered long and hard about how to answer this without pulling out a large set of tree loppers and…lopping. After going through several hundred drafts, she answered:

Dear Mr. McSchlongald,

You are in the danger zone. In other words, you’re about to lose your Top Gun.

Take off the clown suit. First of all, don’t call her “my woman”. She is your unique, precious McDouble. Treat her like it:

Girls just want to have sun. Help her by coaxing her out into the open air. Start by looking at her. I mean, really looking at her. If it’s hard, at first just imagine she’s the ball. And her eyes are the goal.

Important: put down the television remote. If you are having a hard time amputating it from your clasped hand, use some WD-40. A lot of it. Then wash off your hands. Profusely. That means a lot.

Next, take her hand. Treat her like she’s the whole game. And this game is a close one right now. Your team is about to get beschlonged. You have to make that last ditch effort to help her win. The clock is ticking, McSchlongald. Remember that.

Now this is the hard part. I will have to spell it out because schlongs become schlongs because it is so alien to them. D-o  w-h-a-t  s-h-e  w-a-n-t-s  s-o-m-e-t-i-m-e-s. Put your heart into the game. Be her wing man and partner. Take the hit for her. Show her that she’s the star player. 

McSchlongald, inside every schlong is a great guy just trying to get out. Be that guy. And you will live happily ever after…with your schlong intact.




Lafemme really hit the ball out of the park. I took Lafemme’s advice and instead of being beschlonged I was un-schlonged. Now my sweetheart and I enjoy each other’s company and I don’t mind it when my team loses half of the time, because hers wins that half. And then both teams win. Lafemme has turned my life around and she will turn yours around, too, fellow schlongs! So, give her all of your money and make her a millionairess.

Yours Truly,

Ronald McSchlongald 

And Lafemme herself lived happily ever after, because the next schlong she magneted changed—for her. And all sorts of schlongs paid her all sorts of money because she saved their schlongs from being “beschlonged.”


What do you think readers? Leave a comment … 🙂

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

28 Responses to Advice for Bad Men

  1. These topics are starting to affecdt my dreams

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      As long as they’re not affecting your APPETITE … we’re good 🙂

      • its what my appitite is for….that worries me

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Oh Joe … just have a slab of ribs with some tatters and coleslaw and you’ll be right as rain 🙂

          • that is good medicine

            • ericmvogt says:

              Don’t worry, Fat Joe, we’ll include Lafemme eating vegan burritos next time. That should get rid of those nasty nightmares! 😀

  2. I shared on Twitter and FB – i am learning new things everyday,,:-)
    this was really sweet in a different kind of way… 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks for sharing Lizzie … really appreciate it 🙂 It’s different to get a guy’s spin on my “twisted noodle” 🙂

      • ericmvogt says:

        And a Twisted noodle it certainly is, Noodles! 😉

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Ya got that right! 🙂

  3. I shared it, too. It’s too funny to keep it to myself!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Diana 🙂 and glad that you liked a male’s take on what Lafemme would do 🙂

      • ericmvogt says:

        Hey, Lafemme! People think I’m funny! And humorous, too! Too cool… 😀

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          Funny … absolutely! You’re one of my fav bloggers 🙂 And that’s really saying something since you’re got the appendage that I like to “Whack”! 🙂 I’d never do it to you though 🙂

  4. 10000movies says:

    Really awesome :))) Now, I know you are a CC but imagine you are from the other side (i.e a schlong) without any connection to football, baseball, cricket (you name it): what would you “see” on the opposite side? Am I getting too serious? 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Too deep 10K 🙂 If I were a schlong … I would play with my schlong a lot and if “it” behaved badly … I would definitely exercise LOTS OF FORGIVENESS! 🙂

      • ericmvogt says:

        This subject is just waaaay to serious. You remember when mom used to tell you not to cross your eyes because they would stay that way forever? Well, Lafemme, don’t dwell on this fantasy for too long or you might just grow a schlong! 😉

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          But I’d never whack my own schlong … I’d practice “forgiveness” 🙂

          • ericmvogt says:

            You have such a gentle soul, girl! lol

  5. Miss Nae says:

    That was great!!!! I loved it; you should be honored! 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh I’m very honored, but this is not all … he has written 2 short stories about me … I will publish those in the coming weeks 🙂 He’s cool! 🙂 So glad that I have male fans out there who are sooooo “good” that a little schlong whacking doesn’t bother them 🙂

  6. Phil Gayle_For Singles and Couples says:

    Lol! Very good….and actually not too far from a possible reality. 😉
    I think Eric’s version of Lafem was little bit more easier going than the original version…hahahaaa.
    Still love ya Lafem. 😉
    If I don’t hear from you have a great weekend.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yeah … Eric probably did take it easy on me ’cause of what’ll happen if he didn’t! He’s already got me pegged for a Schlongerater 🙂 Have a good weekend as well Phil … I”m so glad that you’re in my “blog network” 🙂

      • ericmvogt says:

        Now, if a Schlongerator is kinda like a Ninja purator, you will have my rapt worship from now on, LaFemme! Just keep it away from my schlong! 😉

        • Lafemmeroar says:


          • ericmvogt says:

            You may smile, Noodles, but my schlong is being a frightened ninja turtle right now…he’s in his shell and will be unavailable in the foreseeable future. 😉

  7. Excellent, off to my FB page it goes! Perhaps dearly beloved will read and learn.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks Valentine 🙂 You’re an awesome thinker and my kind of crazy chick! 🙂

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