I Don’t Need a Man

I was talking to my friend the other day and I mentioned that I’d been in a rather moody mood. When was the last time you got any he asked. Any what? (I was playing dumb) You know … sex … he said. Oh that …Well that’s kind of a tricky question I said. That means no he said and added that’s because you’re a dragon lady.

I couldn’t argue with him on that one … it’s not the first time I’ve been called a “fire breather.” You really need a man … he said again… the last time I saw you with one was when the iTouch 1.0 first came out. I pondered that time frame and while it isn’t actually accurate … it’s not that far from the truth either. But dear readers it’s not like I haven’t been close a few times. I actually remember a time when I was flirting with the idea of getting together with someone right about the time the iPad 1.0 first came out, but things didn’t actually pan out so “iNixed” the idea.

It’s not like I don’t want one, but is it my fault if it’s slim pickings out there? Is it my fault if my personality is too strong for some schlongs? Is it my fault that good men are about as hard to find as a Louis Vuitton purse on sale? It’s just my luck and thus far I’ll say that I’ve been damn lucky to have the fortune of not getting involved with a “Total Schlong” because he’d be schlongless by now! Still my friend persisted …

Him: You need a man to take you out.

Me: If I wanted take out … I’ll order chinese.

Him: You need a man to give you a happy ending.

Me: The only thing I need for a happy ending are a never ending supply of batteries.

Him: But the “real thing” is way better than a vibrator!

Me: Can the real thing go all night long?

        Can the real thing stop himself from raining sweat all over me? 

        Will the real thing sleep on the wet spot?

        Will the real thing ring my bell and make me spark like the 4th of July?

        Nuff said …

Him: You need a man because it’s miserable being alone.

Me: I’d rather be miserable alone,

        than be miserable with

       the cause of my misery.

Him: You need a man so he can complete you.

Me: My definition of “completion” is death … 

Him: You need a man so someone can give you flowers and chocolates for Valentine’s Day.

Me: If I wanted flowers I can pick them from my neighbor’s yard,  and why would I want something that will give me cavities and make me fat?

Him: You need a man so you can spoon with him.

Me: The only spoon I ever needed was one to dig into a pint of Haagen Dazs and I’ve stopped eating dairy.

Him: You need a man to hold your hand with while you stroll down the park.

Me: The last time someone held my hand to walk … I was still a petit Lafemme and only “perves” stroll   the park.

Him: You need a man so he can whisper words of love in your ear.

Me: Hell! If I want fiction

        I’ll read a book!!!!!!!!!!

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© 2013 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

45 Responses to I Don’t Need a Man

  1. renxkyoko says:

    Ahahaha ! Fight-o ! !

  2. ctoby says:

    Your guy friend left out SO many things you need a man for! Such as…
    1. To remind you when you’re getting fat.
    2. To remind you of how much fun it is to dunk your bare butt in the toilet water in the middle of the night because Mr. Wonderful left the seat up. Again.
    3. So you won’t be limited to enjoying only your OWN gaseous output, but can also appreciate the effluvia which only a dude who has consumed mulititudinous quantities of chili dogs, nachos and beer while watching the Big Game with his fellow ball-scratching “I can blech the alphabet too!” pals can produce. Don’t you miss those special moments?
    4. So you can come home from work in the middle of the day ’cause you have the flu, hoping to watch your recorded episodes of Grey’s Anatomy (TV chicken soup for chix) and find out that he’s erased them all by recording all 86,000 episodes of Top Gear and several more of Bass Fishing just for a little variety. God forbid he should be bored, after all.
    5. The way he shows he cares about you by asking you contstantly during sex if you’ve come YET (because if you don’t his fragile ego might suffer…but no, wait, that would make it about HIM, and of course we all know it’s about YOU and YOUR satisfaction blah blah blah…)

    Ah yes, there is so much to miss without a man constantly underfoot no no! I meant without a man to hold you and remind you how lucky you are to have his socks to pick up, his beard hairs to clean out of the bathroom sink and his special special musky muskiness he leaves on your nice clean sheets as one more momento of your time together. Oh, Lafemme you poor, lonely darlin’ gurl.

  3. Kelly says:

    I agree with you being on your own is a good thing you have no one to answer to but yourself. If I want to eat out and don’t want to eat alone that’s what friends are for and the go to there own home after words 🙂

  4. I do not, never have met a real man who would sleep in the wet spot. I have however, met one or two who were nice enough to lay a towel down to avoid the entire issue. They were partial keepers for a time.

    I think your friend has a romantic streak. But one must ask, does he have regular sex or is he also just romanticizing the entire ‘you need a man’ thing.

  5. Possibly a man might need you of course. I am sure your trust is hard to earn, but I’m also sure that it’s very well worth gaining

  6. Harry says:

    So i take it you don’t need a man 🙂

  7. 10000movies says:

    To make it more generic: one does not need an unsuitable companion. I.e.:
    “I’d rather be miserable alone, than be miserable with the cause of my misery”.
    The quote is yours?!

  8. You were in a “moody mood!” Remind me not to get into an argument with you! You are the come-back queen! 🙂

  9. Will the real thing sleep on the wet spot?)))

    you know what? I always end up sleeping on the wet spot!!! xx

  10. True True, and even if you had a man… he probably wouldn’t do all of these 😉

  11. I’m on my twenty sixth year as a solo girl and I can tell you from experience that any crazy chick worth her salt can find a creative alternative for anything a man might be able to give her. You’re a sparkling example of just that crazy chick, Lafemme. Mathair always told me that a woman who needs a man is a woman who doesn’t know herself. I’ve always stuck by that mantra and ahve spent these twenty odd years trying to figure out who I was. Of course the voices in my head are always telling me a hundred different things. 🙂 LOL

  12. I don’t feel worthy to comment…..

  13. Patti Kuche says:

    Helen Gurley Brown and her man found each other eventually!

  14. Bodhirose says:

    Oh, that Helen Gurley Brown comment made me think of Gloria Steinem, you know the famous feminist…she was well into her fifties before she married…and you know she had to have been very picky about men. If more women were like you, and didn’t settle, maybe we’d have marriages (or partnerships) between people who actually like each other. How refreshing would that be!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I love your perspective on this. And your comment makes me feel better about waiting for the right time and the right one. It would be refreshing to find a gem in a field of manure … here’s hoping Gayle 🙂

      • Bodhirose says:

        I just always wonder why is it that there’s so much manure out in that field…? I’m single now too but have had no interest in looking for anyone…probably because I know there’s a tidal wave of manure waiting for me! But there’s always hope… 🙂

  15. chymeera says:

    Oh Captain, My Captain! It is so nice to read someone who is actually going through and feeling the same things… There is most definitely a difference between being alone and lonely and we have a saying in France “better be alone than badly accompanied” which I have lived by for the last 10 years at least. I refuse to settle, why should I? Like you I don’t need a man but I’d sure as hell would like one too! Like you I am patient as despite all, I am happy and I will refuse to be with someone who will not add to my happiness. I don’t need a man to be happy, but it sure would be the cherry on the decadent chocolate cake to have one who rocks my boat! Thanks for sharing!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh Chymeera … yes I’ve had too experiences of being “badly accompanied” I don’t need anymore aggravation, but love isn’t perfect … on the other hand I don’t think it should be that hard either. I mean if the man I loved lost an arm, or a leg or even an ear … I’ll stay with him, but if he does something to hurt me … that would be a deal breaker. I’m still trying to figure out that issue … but what can I say I’m a beautiful work in progress even though my journey has too many twists and turns. So glad we connected! 🙂

      • chymeera says:

        My dear Lafemmeroar, I so agree with you there..It should not be that hard but apparently, more often than not, strong, independent and witty women like us scare the beejesus out of them! I, too, wouldn’t not leave the man I love because of an injury or an illness but breaking my trust would definitely mark the end. I, We, deserve to be treated with respect, love and honesty…nothing less! The twists and turns make you stronger and when you do find that rare pearl, it will have been well worth it! At least that is what I chose to believe…otherwise, it would be too depressing! I am glad too that we have connected! It is nice to see that I am not alone (all my friends have pretty much found their perfect partners!) ❤

  16. You’re a “contrarian”, that’s kinda hot. Well it is, when you do it so well with that tongue-in-cheek sense of humour. There’s nothing wrong with battery powered happiness, but every once in a while you need to give it a rest & switch to manual. After all, who doesn’t enjoy a good tongue lashing?

  17. Phil Gayle_For Singles and Couples says:

    You both made some really good points in your arguments.
    I suppose, when you break it down, all we really need is the creator…everything/everyone else is a nice additional bonus (or a want). 😉

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