The Horny Pooch and My Wardrobe Malfunction

It’s not exactly skirt and sandal season, but I was going through some old posts and realized that this is a perfect example of a crazy chick moment when laughing at the malfunction of the universe is absolutely better than crying about it. Enjoy! 🙂

The hot weather prompted me to digress from wearing pants to wearing a skirt and a blouse. Since I’m rather “full” on top I used a safety pin to close the peek-a-boo see my bra gap. I was all intact and ready to take on the day as the up tight Dr. Laura would say. So, there I was looking cute and comfy and feeling all summery in my get up as I went about town doing my errands. Thoughts about the benefits of wearing a skirt flitted about my noodle.

Just lift and pee.

Just lift for nookie (if I were getting it).

Feeling a stray breeze between my girly parts felt good.

and

I have nice ankles and I really did look good in a skirt.

Anyway after going to the cleaners, the post office, Target, detouring  to DSW for some flippy floppies on sale and not finding any, I go to Trader Joe’s. Just when I was about to step out of my car I see a small dog on the parking lot. The pooch ran up to me and immediately started humping my left leg. I freaked, lost my balance and fell back into the front seat. I had one leg out the car while the rest of me struggled to get back up. My skirt hiked up in the front and I quickly brought it down fearing of giving some poor stranger a beaver shot. This wouldn’t have happened had I been wearing pants. To top it off the pin popped from my blouse–at least I didn’t pop a button or I’d be taken in by the cleavage police.

Have you ever been humped by a dog? Let me just say that my leg felt a yucky moist warmth.  In between the woof woofs, the panting and the grinding, I manage to get out of the car. I shook my leg to release his grip, but the beast hung on. I shook my leg harder, but it just kept on humping and I wanted it off me before it reached a happy ending.

The more I shook the more it woofed. I shook my leg again, but instead of releasing the dog, my sandals flew. So there I was at the parking lot with a dog on my leg as I skipped to where my  sandal had landed. Face it the only thing worse than a dog “f*ck&ng” your leg is going barefoot on a parking lot (ah the horror of the bacteria). I slip the sandal back on as the horny pooch continued to rape my leg.

Thank god I was a W.E.L.P. that day. So I whack the beast with my purse. The pooch fell back, but it quickly got on its feet and tried to beeline it back to my poor leg so I swing my purse to scare it away. It growled and showed some really creepy humanlike teeth. It  must have have been upset that I interrupted its joy session. So I run inside the store because I wasn’t going to stick around to have those choppers bite me. I need rabbis rabies like I need another 10 pounds. I did feel a nice cool breeze during my sprint though.

Once inside I reminded myself that I was a crazy chick who laughed at the malfunction of the universe and this was pretty funny. So I went about my shopping undeterred by the previous event.  I went to the freezer section to pick up a pint of chocolate gelato to make me feel better, then I saw my reflection on the glass door.

This is when things got really bad. I did not only look wrinkled and messy from my altercation with the pooch, but the back of my skirt was caught in my underwear. How long had I been walking around with my bum exposed for the whole world to see? And what made matters worse is that I was wearing a thong. No wonder I felt such a cool breeze from behind.

The lesson learned? 

Thongs suck. This wouldn’t have happened to me had I been wearing granny panties!

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

24 Responses to The Horny Pooch and My Wardrobe Malfunction

  1. Thank god you had the chocolate gelato. I can see you might need emergency medicine after that. experience. Hopefully the dog had the grace to apologise after that behaviour. I know I would

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Well the dog kept on “woofing” don’t know if it was apologizing or calling me a “bitch.” 🙂

  2. Made me laugh! The only thing that could have been funnier is if you’d had toilet paper on the bottom of your shoe.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh that’s happened to me too and it wasn’t at the bottom of my shoe either!!!!!!!!!

  3. ctoby says:

    Or you could go commando, as I have since 1970 or so….Talk about a nice cool breeze! Ha! Fewer yeastie beastie problems too! All good, no bad. Course my skirts are LONG not like, mini skirts ffs. That would just be gross. Do you know what happens to your girly parts when THEY get old? Honey, you don’t wanna know. But let’s just say if I wore a mini skirt there would be NO doubt as to my true female-ness. I spades. Yick.
    And it’s NOT your fault that you attract animals. Just in this case it had two too many feeties, thass all 🙂
    As a side note, Trader Joe’s is famous for weird haphazard strangenesses happening, I think it’s from an old sailor’s curse. Think about it. Why do think they REALLY ring that bell? Hmmmmm?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You’re hilarious! lmao on aged girly parts … it’s like a guys balls hanging down to his knees? what a thought and what a sight … you need to be a stand-up comic I swear!

  4. Arlene says:

    That is horrible, mortifying and so funny!! Thanks for the laugh! 😀

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Aw … you’re welcome Arlene 🙂

  5. aaaahhhhh the thong!! so many attrributes ie: cool summer breezes, but leaves nothing to the imagination if you happen to be prone to wardrobe malfunctions; which I am. I have shown my naked butt to more strangers than Paris or Lindsey combined. it usually involves a summer dress, booze, and dancing but there was the time I was trying on dresses at Value Village and wanted to get the “full view” of one I liked so left the dressing room to look in the full mirror out in the store. there was a guy in the change room next to me. I pranced over to the mirror admired the front and then turned to check out my butt. to my horror it was very easy to check out my butt because the back seam of the dress had totally come unravelled and my bare ass was exposed for the whole world to see.
    There is only one question; do you want people to see that you wear stretched out granny panties? I’ll show my bareass before I will ever wear full granny panties. i’ll be in the nursing home and still wearing thongs,

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’ve seen my ass! Hello granny panties! 🙂 Your comments always make me laugh out loud crazy chick 🙂

  6. renxkyoko says:

    Rolling on the floor, laughing out loud !

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Done my job then … you sweet girl! 🙂

  7. You get my vote for most provocative post title of the year 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      We need to have an award for that seriously! 🙂

  8. Hope you went all the way and dressed “Miami” : aqua, coral and white colors with white straw hat.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh I can’t do that much color … I like black, beige, gray and maybe a spot of red (once in an eon!) I’m just boring that way …

  9. How am I never treated to seeing things like that????

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You would have been blinded! 🙂

      • i’m sure i would have enjoyed

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          lol! Joe … go have a baby back for me 🙂

  10. Too funny! I never wore a thong and now I never will! 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Good thinking Lorna 🙂

  11. Phil Gayle_For Singles and Couples says:

    Lol! Hahaaaaa….when the malfunctions happen, they really happen with you don’t they? hahahaa…
    Oh My Gosh…where do I start on this one. 😀
    Being “full”…now is that a statement of fact or could that be viewed as a boast?
    What would be the response if a male Blogger said… I don’t really wear swimming trunks or flat fronted pants as I’m rather “full” below….lol!
    I have to say, call me a traditionalist but I do think the female of the species look better in skirts and dresses. 😉
    There is so much more that I could say but I think I’ll leave it there…I’m just glad you stopped it before it had it’s happy ending…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I always love your comments and when the sanity bug takes me hostage … I really do think of bloggers like you and it takes me back to my wonderful world of crazy. Thank you for being such a friend and loyal supporter of my insanity!

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