Pooper Scooper and the Hazards of Walking

This one is an oldie, but still a goodie for a laugh … even if it’s at my own stinky expense!

When I can talk myself into it, I put on my iPod and blast Springsteen and Tom Petty for the next two and a half miles while I speed walk on the horse trail in my neighborhood. I’ve never seen any horses, only people and pet owners who think the trail is a lavatory for their pets.  About a mile and a half into my walk, I saw a big clump of poop and I side-stepped to avoid it.  I twisted my ankle on a small hole in the ground and I fell face first. My face missed the other turd ahead but my hands landed splat on them.

A group of joggers saw me and one of them tried to help me up, but he recoiled when he saw my palms smeared with wet dog poop. I told him I was fine (the ankle didn’t hurt, just my pride) and they continued their jog.  My sensitive olfactory senses went on over-drive when I foolishly sniffed my palms, which looked like I’d dipped them in brown mashed potatoes. Why did I do that? Did I want to assess the stench level? These musing and other thoughts ran through my head.

I crossed the street to the nearest house so I could ask permission to use the water hose. I’m polite that way. I used my elbows to knock on the door, but when no one answered I assumed no one was home and I used the water hose and tried to be quick about it.

I was stooped on the ground rinsing my hands when I heard a tinkling noise. It was a Pomeranian on a leash with its owner trailing behind. The pooch tried to sniff me and I brushed it away with my elbows (maybe I shouldn’t have done that but what was I going to do use my hands, which were still half-poopy?). What are you doing she said. This is my private property and you’re trespassing she continued. I apologized and told her what happened to me. She didn’t care, and said you have a lot of nerve. I wasn’t stealing, but I did use her rotten hose without permission. Her uncharitable demeanor surprised me.

Upon closer examination of her pooch’s tush I saw speckles of brown clumps stuck on the cream-colored fur. Could this pooch be the culprit of my stinky mess?  This was one of those moments when the logic of 2 + 2 = 4 was difficult to prove. So I took another approach and reminded her that there were pooper scooper laws and I didn’t see her with a scooper or a plastic bag filled with turd. Bitsy doesn’t do her business outside she said. I pointed my foot to the anal evidence before me and said then what do you call that. Prove it she said. I will I said (but I knew I couldn’t).

I can prove that you committed front lawn invasion so please leave she said. What the hell was front lawn invasion? What was I going to steal plants? So I said I think Bitsy needs to see the vetsy because she’s got a leaky ass. I’m going to call the police she said. Go ahead I said. She went into the house and I realized that she could have a case against me. I was a hose water snatcher. So I left and I did something I haven’t done in a very long time. I ran non-stop until I got home. I don’t know where I got the energy for such a physical feat, but I did it.  I had the workout of my life, but walking that damned lavatory trail was hazardous. I think I need to buy a treadmill.

Stinkilly yours,


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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

24 Responses to Pooper Scooper and the Hazards of Walking

  1. Bodhirose says:

    I could almost smell the poo myself! :~( I would have gladly lent my water hose to some unfortunate person needing to clean up…what was the big deal? And of course Bitsy does her business outside…no dog I know is potty trained! Well, anyway, I’m glad you didn’t get arrested…and you did end up getting a good workout too as you haul-tailed it back home!

  2. Miss Nae says:

    This was frickin hilarious! I’d just for if that happened to me LOL

  3. oh my gosh. Bitsy and her stinky ass and her owner all deserve each other. wow. Stay away from the horse trail. sheesh. rudeness abounds.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Those horse trails are also riddled with tree roots that sticks out of the ground and it is so easy to trip on them if you’re not watching where you’re walking ….

  4. As a responsible poopie-bag-carrying dog owner, I am appalled at that snooty Pomeranian owner’s attitude given your rather stinky circumstances. It’s poople (I meant that typo as a pun) like that who give dog owners a bad name (and the poople who let their dogs (as the Beatles’ songs goes) “just do it in the road”!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I love little dogs, but they can also be brats and boy are they barkers … but I must admit as stinky as the poop was … there is something cute about a wee pooch with a splat of poo on their tush … especially if they sit on the couch with it, which I hope is what Bitsy did when she got inside … who needs toilet tissue

  5. Some people are Azzhats, she certainly falls into this category.

  6. Hahahaha…oh man…gross and awkward on every level. 🙂

  7. angelmanna says:

    Yes, laughing a lot now, girl. Poor you. Poo to lady high-NESS. Karma. And you know what form hers will take already. LOL

  8. What a mean minded lady she was. I would have offered you a cup of tea in recompense on behalf of all careless dog owners.

  9. Phil Gayle_For Singles and Couples says:

    Now that’s disgusting..bad of her not to allow you to use a bit of water.
    I eventually want to get a couple of dogs and be a responsible owner but I just don’t want to be associated with the likes of her and others who think the rest of us should deal with their pets crap.
    How many miles did you do and what was your time? It’s amazing how some stink can motivate us…lol!
    No seriously, a treadmill is a good idea, they help when the weather is too bad to run in.
    Get yourself a good pair of running trainers(sneakers) & stick to the pavements(side-walks). 😉

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