4th of July, Kids and Being Single

An old post that deserves a new audience. 

Just call me Morticia, for even in the hell of the heat I’ll wear black, which is exactly what I did at a  pre-4th of July barbecue I attended as a tag along with another single friend of mine. I don’t want to be the only unmarried one there she said and of course she singled me out from her handful of other single and not hating it lady friends. As I’m not the type to turn down free food and booze, I agreed.

So, she picks me up and the first thing out of her mouth is you look like you’re going to a funeral. I saw nothing wrong with black capri pants, black shirt and black flats. Sure I was monochromatic, but it was better than looking like a psychedelic acid trip, which is what my friend looked like in her poly blend fruitbowlesque sexy get-up. I’m all for diversity, but too much color confuses me. You’ll burn in black it’s hot today she said. No I won’t I said for I didn’t plan to hang outside as I intended to luxuriate inside within the comforts of air-conditioning as I multi-tasked schmoozing with chewing on the paella (rumored to be served) and sipping on a mojito (crossing my fingers that they know how to make one).

We get there and we were greeted by  a brood of children running like a buffalo herd. My friend tricked me AGAIN into attending a children’s party, which I avoid like the plague. So, I look at her with WTF eyes and she just smiled and shrugged her shoulders. She introduced me to her friend L who has four kids (she’s a brave warrior) and who was also holding a big 4th of July themed sheet cake . Some kid came up and said I want a big piece. L quickly shooed him away and I gathered he must have been one of her four. I offered to help her carry the cake to the table and there I saw a big platter of paella (ah, my friend wasn’t fibbing). L seemed very nice and said that her husband was outside manning the grill (paella and barbecue–interesting combination in my tummy).

My friend headed straight outside where the men conglomerated. I assessed the male-female ratio and the numbers ticking in my head concluded that everyone was paired up. I pulled her aside, gave her my findings and told her that she’s wasting her cleavage. No she said and explained that L’s brother was there . He was single and looking and he had a friend. I saw two men next to the barbecue grill. One was tall and cute–the other short and dumpy.

Now, considering the various malfunctions of my universe who do you think L’s brother was? Yup–tallie and cutie pie-yee, which meant that short, dumpy and bald with a comb over “Norm” (not his real name) was mine. L comes out of the house in time to make introductions and I guess “Norm” wasn’t interested as he took a gander at me and said aren’t you hot in black? Then he said you remind me of a movie character, but I can’t remember the name.

I should have told him that greasy comb-overs are out, so who the hell are you to talk about my ensemble but I kept silent. But if he mentions “The Adams Family” then the gloves are off ’cause I’m fixin’ to hurt me some Uncle Fester lookalike. My friend giggled and said oh I’m always telling her to get some color in her life, then she nudged her cleavage closer to L’s brother who was either blinded by the color of her dress or the miraculous appearance of her high beams in the scorching heat. Norm takes another look at me and said you know my sister is a color analyzer and I bet she could do wonders with you. Between my friend poly-anna-yester, comb over Normfester, and boobie-eyed hunkester I had no ally.

Norm said I’ll be right back; I’m going to get my sister. She’s been dying to colorize someone here today. Colorize? Fashion tips? Was I in hell? So Norm goes inside to fetch color girl, poly-anna-yester and hunk ester leave and stand under a tree to flirt and I’m left there alone wishing I could twiddle my thumbs, only that would make me look like a loon.

Then I see the buffalo herd running from the house. I hear a voice from inside say don’t run or you’ll trip. And to reiterate another malfunction in my universe one of them trips. I break his fall and a plate full of cake lands on me. Red, white and blue frosting splotches are all over my pristine black ensemble.

L must have heard the commotion and comes out armed with paper towels and begins to wipe away the frosting, which now evolved into a swirly haze all over me. Comb over guy came out with his sis color girl. I looked at them and said no need for the analysis as I’d already been colorized by one of the kids, now someone get me a damn mojito.

Happy 4th, stay safe and avoid running kids …


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© 2013 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

18 Responses to 4th of July, Kids and Being Single

  1. chymeera says:

    Oh dare I giggle? Yup, I have had a good chuckle at that sorry…I do hate “good intentioned” people…Good intentions are NOT a justification for rudeness thank you very much! But at least you took it elegantly! Thanks for sharing and let’s hope this year won’t be as traumatic!

  2. LMAO!!! Waste of cleavage!

    Happy 4th of July

    Hope you get your mojito this year without having to endure a fashion commentary from a Danny Devito look alike schlong

  3. Wouldna shown with licorice icing.

  4. Sounds like a horrible day! The only good thing that could come out a day like that is a stiff wind blows up and lasts all afternoon keeping Norm’s comb over flapping in the breeze like someone’s wet bathing suit attached to the antenna of a car going down the freeway and Norm burns his bald spot. The glaring red from the burn only outdone by your friend’s ample bosom after being exposed all day and cutie pie turns out to be gay. and last but not least they made you a killer Mohito!! oh and now your g/f owes you big time!
    years ago I had a real live Barbie for a best friend, my fault; what 5’10” woman chooses to be friends with a 5’2″ walking talking Barbie with a Marilyn Monroe voice? I always felt like Mutt, and her body guard; fighting off the drooling entourage of men that fell at her feet. Until she told me that she always felt inferior to me because I was always confident, quick witted and people liked me. Who knew??
    Now I prefer to hang around with the not so beautiful people and drink less.
    Happy 4th of July from Canada!!
    Hugs Carrie

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Big hugs right back at ya Carrie! I always love your comments. You’re awesome just the way you are 🙂 People who make me laugh are all beautiful to my “funny bone.” 🙂

  5. supernaut says:

    Ah, the humanity. Be strong and keep plodding on!

  6. Norm sounds like a cringerama. Whoever thought combing their hair over a bald patch would look good. You have my deepest sympathy

  7. Don’t you wish you could ask your friends, “Will there be any cute single guys there?” before agreeing to go to their parties?

Talk to me :)

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