How to Get out of a Bad Relationship

As a single, never been married Crazy Chick I am the self-proclaimed expert on relationship exorcisms. I have performed many and I’ve helped other chicks as well 🙂

You need a relationship exorcism when:

♦ you’ve become a zombie because his mind has taken over your whole being

♦ he’s turned from being your friend and lover to being your tormentor

♦ he thinks you’re a punching bag

♦ your credit card is maxed out from charges he made to P.O.R.N. (P@ssy Open and Ready Now)

♦ you’ve become his personal maid service

♦ he stops lying to you and says “yeah I’m cheating live with it”

♦ his schlong is jack hammering elsewhere

If you said yes to any of the above, it’s clear that the once love of your life has been possessed by a selfish and mean schlong.  

Here’s the 100% Effective way to exorcise that bad schlong out of your man!

For the exorcism you will need:

  • Arsenic instead of holy water 

  • A hot poker instead of a cross 

  • Throw down words instead  of prayers.

  • Duck tape instead of rope. Unless you’re a cowgirl who knows how to tie good knot.

Instructions:

Put a dash of arsenic in his cocktail. Just a tad won’t kill.

Once he’s knocked out get some duck tape. Bind his arms and legs to the bed.

When he comes to he might think you’re up to some kinky hanky panky–boy is he in for a surprise! 🙂

If he tries to shimmy out of his shackles stick him with a hot poker and tell him to stay still. 

If he gets lippy give him some throw down words followed with a good punch in the mouth.  

**Now, alternate with the throw down words (yeah! tell him what you really think), the mouth punch (to shut him up) and the hot poker (it’ll be orgasmic sticking it to him) until he’s exhausted. He won’t be able to speak, but the sweat and the pleading behind the gag should be an indication that the exorcism is working. Now, repeat the process a dozen or more times until you’ve broken the schlong out of him and he’s back to the sweet man you once knew. 🙂

Testimonials from satisfied Crazy Chicks

Thank you so much. Your exorcism worked on my abusive hubby. I finally broke him down to the blubbering idiot he once was and now the only thing he can do is nod his head. So when I ask him for more money he just nods. When I tell him to dump the trash he nods like a tamed zombie. You’re a genius Lafemme!

Bonita Dumplemeister

♥♥♥♥

I never thought that I could get rid of that schlong in my life, but your exorcism is 100% effective! I didn’t have a hot poker so I used a meat thermometer instead. I had to poke many many many times, but it worked. It’s amazing how much my teeny-weeny poker made him scream when I poked his eye out. It’s a miracle!  The schlong is now gone and I’ve got my man back! He has to wear an eye patch now … I just love my one-eyed spineless hunny bunny

Domita Natrix

♥♥♥♥

My friend told me about your exorcism technique. I was skeptical at first, but I’m convinced that you are a crazy chick who knows how to really whip a bad schlong into shape. My schlong was such a domineering man and now he’s as tame as a stuffed parakeet. I’ve got my freedom back. I’m a happy crazy chick  again thanks to you Lafemme.

Lady Bird Sprinkles

♥♥♥♥

Disclaimer: The above is for hypothetical exorcism purposes only. Lafemmeroar does not have access to arsenic and she’s never used a hot poker on a human. She is good at the throw down words, but her throw down words are like benign sticks and stones and they really can’t eradicated anyone “permanently.” Her verbal abuse only stuns them “momentarily.” Wives or girlfriends who want to get rid of their man schlong  must do it within the legal limits of the law.  Any similarity of the above to homicidal thoughts/tendencies is purely coincidental. Lafemmeroar is NOT to be held liable or responsible for any consequences, injuries, or fatalities that may occur in the execution of the above exorcism.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

17 Responses to How to Get out of a Bad Relationship

  1. I always found the best way to exorcise a man from your life is tell him you want to get married. That usually sends a guy running to the hills. :))

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      The hills must be full of “scared as shit schlongs”!

  2. LOL!!! LOL! Well, done Crazy Chick friend of mine.

    Here’s a few more for you:

    He tells you he was thinking of you the whole time he was bumping uglies with the skank next door.

    He Tweets a picture of his schlong, and accidentally copies you in on the tweet.

    You just cannot deal with his last name any longer. No matter if you hyphenate it, switch some letters, it’s just so wrong that you think about getting your tubes tied so that no child has to ever carry that name.

    When he opens his wallet there are cobwebs inside.

    He thinks belching the alphabet is music to your ears.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lmao on the cobwebby wallet … that’s a big turn OFF … you are hilarious!

      • 🙂 Yeah, it is, thankfully I didn’t marry a man whose pants are so tight that he can’t get his wallet out. He’s still generous with his gifts, and dammit, us crazy chicks deserve that.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          We ABSOLUTELY do!

          • I have a romance parody on my blog, just went live. It’s all in good fun, I think you’ll enjoy it. 🙂

  3. My advice…hang out with different guys 🙂 Dating is too much work though isn’t it?

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      That’s right Princess … I’ve already got a job … I don’t need another that doesn’t even “pay.” Oh well … but I still need my happy endings 🙂

  4. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    This is GREAT, & TOO TRUE 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      The absurd does have a touch of TRUTH! 🙂

  5. The most effective way to get rid of them for good (who really wants to tame them):

    1) I am pregnant and it is yours. They run screaming, 99.9% of the time never to be seen again.
    2) I am broke and just lost my job.

    Either of the above send bad ones off seeking new victims.

    Your answer while absolutely fabulous, well it is actually more effort than a bad schlong is worth. Just imagine the sweat a perfectly fabulous Crazy Chick would have to work up to carry it out.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I love your candid answers Valentine! My awesome Crazy Chick 🙂

  6. Patti Kuche says:

    I will never be able to look a meat thermometer in the eye ever again . . .!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Especially when you’re piercing a “turkey” 🙂 luv to ya Patti!

  7. Pingback: Hey, let’s do an exorcism! ‘k? | Dharma Goddess: The Journey to Me

  8. Scoop Jackson..."News 60" says:

    What can I say…this is a good one.

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