The Devil Made Me Eat It

My raging appetite is like a randy man-whore constantly out on the prowl for his next piece of bootie.

Excess is never good, which is why I’ve tried to tame my lust for food with simple self-control. If I want cheesecake, I eat a slice instead of two. If I want ice cream, I have a scoop instead of three. If I’m craving pasta, I have one serving instead of several. My onsies food strategy worked and I looked svelte without the SPANX

I felt confident that I could face my foe (food) and say no thank you, or just one please–that is until lunch at an all you can eat buffet re-ignited my gastronomic greed. My eyes gleamed at the sight of food galore and thoughts of portion control were replaced by murmurs of “eat as much as you want.” Suddenly my onesies rule doubled, tripled and quadrupled. I ate so much that my appetite finally surrendered and begged me to put my fork down.

Was my resolve so weak that it succumbed at the mere sight of mac n cheese on a platter? Was I such a glutton that I needed not one, but three heaping ladles of mashed potatoes on my plate next to the lasagna and the spaghetti flanked by fried chicken thighs? Was I playing fire with my dental work and my hips when I ate brownie(s) à la mode, cakes and pies, pudding and flan? I was in carb and calorie heaven, but I felt like hell. Temptation and indulgence took me to that bad place where my guilt resided and she shook her head in shame and disdain.

I reminded myself that I was an intelligent and logical biped, not some four-legged beast that acted on mere instinct. I absent-mindedly nibbled on a chicken nugget and ruminated my fall from self-control. After much thinking, I concluded that I was the victim of possession. It’s a known fact that people have dual natures constantly battling for dominance. It’s the devil and the angel inside me. And this time, the devil won.

Yes, that was it. For years this devil has possessed me to over eat by making me put things in my mouth I shouldn’t have. And thanks to my angel, self-control manifested before things got “too heavy.” And considering my recent food fest, my angel must be MIA. So it wasn’t me who had failed at the buffet, but that slovenly angel sent from above to stop the evil sent from below.

I blame my gluttony on my absent angel who I believe must be sojourning behind the pearly gates. Now, I’m left defenseless against the devil. If my angel doesn’t come back soon I’ll turn from a svelte minx back to a corpulent porker. So dear readers pray that my angel returns to purgatory (Earth) because the devil on my shoulder is getting stronger with each bite I take.

What temptations does the devil inside you make you do?

Hungrily yours,

Lafemmeroar

© 2013 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

17 Responses to The Devil Made Me Eat It

  1. renxkyoko says:

    My Mom buys cheesecake at Costco ( I ‘m sure you’re familiar with the size of cheesecake there), then she puts it in the fridge… everyday, I eat a slice…. it lasts one week…. problem is, I’m the only one who eats the cake… and you know what that means, hu hu hu

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lmao Ren… you’re a “sweetie.” I’ve hu hu hu’d many times eating cheesecake, cheese, potato chips, haagen dazs coffee ice cream … I can go on, but I feel a tear welling up 😦

  2. Mathair says her devil is constantly tempting her with fresh baked bread and Bavarian cream. Yes, Lafemme. Mathair is a pastry lover, rather light and fluffy in the scheme of things. While my temptations run a bit on the darker side. The bitter richness of dark, fudgy chocolate and the complexity of a dark red wine to match. But, the real Achilles heel is the amalgamation of salty and sweet. The sheer seduction of the… Salted Caramel. LOL 🙂 Great post, babe.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I do love all those things. I’m not a 100% vegan by far… I do try to eat plant based meals more. BUT! Have you ever tried Dave’s Killer 21 grain bread????? OMG. I love it and I make scrumptious cream puffs. I’ve also had salted caramel ice cream. I try to eat it with the smallest spoon possible, but like Haagen Dazs coffee ice cream, the whole thing disappears in 20 minutes or less. Oh I need to go to the gym now! lol….

  3. SillyG says:

    few years ago decided to perfect creme brulle cause I loved it so much. Resulted in ohhh… making 4 pots of the sweet goodness about 3 times a week. Had to put a stop to that after a few months and more than a few pounds 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’ve never thought of the word “pot” to be enticing, but in the context of your comment, it’s totally orgasmic. Pots of creme brulle … omg ORGASMIC.

  4. Okay. I know this is weird. My addiction is gummy worms and red vines. Everything else, I have total control over. Except maybe soft serve ice cream from McDonald’s. And carrot cake. And muffins from Mimi’s Cafe. And peppermint ice cream…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh yeah … you’re in total control Diana! Lol 🙂 I’m with ya though …

  5. I think we all have this angel / devil thing going on. We all also have angels who fall down on their duties! I think they are weak and maybe even in cahoots with the devils, azzhats.

    My solution? I just keep a food diary and figure out when I can afford to splurge.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      If I kept a food diary it would epic like “War and Peace.” Always love it when you visit Valentine. I’m glad to know other crazy chicks also have the angel/devil thing going on. And you might have a point with the angel being in cahoots with the devil and might be worthy of a blog post 🙂

  6. kdaddy23 says:

    I love to eat and as I’ve gotten older, well, my doctor just loves telling me to stop eating the things I love eating… like cheesecake, for instance. A couple of years ago, I was on a cruise ship and stopped at the ship’s bakery; my eyes beheld a magnificent cheesecake, at least three layers high (how they pulled that off is beyond me) and without that annoying graham cracker crust, topped with fresh strawberries that were coated with a light glaze.

    For $2.50, it was a huge slice, enough for several people to enjoy… and I experienced multiple foodgasms as I enjoyed what has to be the best cheesecake I have ever tasted; it made the cakes made by the Cheesecake Factory look and taste plain and dull – and they have good cheesecake.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I do love cheesecake; it is the the resplendent combination of sweet, creamy and luscious that make my mouth happy and my body bloat. Good and evil with every bite.

  7. Pingback: ~~WELLNESS TIP~~ | YouthVoicesTT

  8. If only food was a man…

    I once had the idea to control my portions. It worked for like 3 hours then it was back to stuffing my face in fries, burgers and cakes!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Fries … MY WEAKNESS!!!!!!!

  9. Matt Ralston says:

    LOVE YOUR BLOG. Check me out at Ralston2013.com

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks and I will! 🙂

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