Red, White and Blue All Over Me

This is an oldie but a goodie!

Just call me Morticia, for even in the hell of the heat I’ll wear black, which is exactly what I did at a recent pre-4th of July barbecue I attended as a tag along with another single friend of mine. I don’t want to be the only unmarried one there she said and of course she singled me out from her handful of other single and not hating it lady friends. As I’m not the type to

turn down free food and booze, I agreed.

So, she picks me up and the first thing out of her mouth is you look like you’re going to a funeral. I saw nothing wrong with black capri pants, black shirt and black flats. Sure I was monochromatic, but it was better than looking like a psychedelic acid trip, which is what my friend looked like in her poly blend fruitbowlesque sexy get-up. I’m all for diversity, but too much color confuses me. You’ll burn in black it’s hot today she said. No I won’t I said for I didn’t plan to hang outside as I intended to luxuriate inside within the comforts of air-conditioning as I multi-tasked schmoozing with chewing on the paella (rumored to be served) and sipping on a mojito (crossing my fingers that they know how to make one).

We get there and the first thing I thought when I saw a brood of children running like a buffalo herd. was that my friend tricked me AGAIN into attending a children’s party, which I avoid like the plague. So, I look at her with WTF eyes and she just smiled and shrugged her shoulders. She introduced me to her friend L who has four kids (she’s a brave warrior) and who was also holding a big 4th of July themed sheet cake . Some kid came up and said I want a big piece. L quickly shooed him away and I gathered he must have been one of her four. I offered to help her carry the cake to the table and there I saw a big platter of paella (ah, my friend wasn’t fibbing). L seemed very nice and said that her husband was outside manning the grill (paella and barbecue–interesting combination in my tummy).

My friend headed straight outside where the men conglomerated. I assessed the male-female ratio and the numbers ticking in my head concluded that everyone was paired up. I pulled her aside, gave her my findings and told her that she’s wasting her cleavage. No she said and explained that L’s brother was there . He was single and looking and he had a friend. I saw two men next to the barbecue grill. One was tall and cute–the other short and dumpy.

Now, considering the various malfunctions of my universe who do you think L’s brother was? Yup–tallie and cutie pie-yee, which meant that short, dumpy and bald with a comb over “Norm” (not his real name) was mine. L comes out of the house in time to make introductions and I guess “Norm” wasn’t interested as he took a gander at me and said aren’t you hot in black? Then he said you remind me of this movie, but I can’t remember the name.

I should have told him that greasy comb-overs are out, so who the hell are you to talk about my ensemble but I kept silent. But if he mentions “The Adams Family” then the gloves are off ’cause I’m fixin’ to hurt me some Uncle Fester lookalike. My friend giggled and said oh I’m always telling her to get some color in her life, then she nudged her cleavage closer to L’s brother who was either blinded by the color of her dress or the miraculous appearance of her high beams in the scorching heat. Norm takes another look at me and said you know my sister is a color analyzer and I bet she could do wonders with you. Between my friend poly-anna-yester, comb over Normfester, and boobie-eyed I had no ally.

So Norm said I’ll be right back; I’m going to get my sister she’s been dying to colorize someone here today. Colorize? Fashion tips? Was I in hell? So Norm goes inside to fetch color girl, poly-anna-yester and boobie-eye leave and stand under a tree to flirt and I’m left there alone wishing I could twiddle my thumbs, only that would make me look like a loon.

Then I see the buffalo herd running from the house. I hear a voice from inside say don’t run or you’ll trip. And to reiterate another malfunction in my universe one of them trips. I break his fall and a plate full of cake lands on me. Red, white and blue frosting splotches are all over my pristine black ensemble.

L must have heard the commotion and comes out armed with paper towels and begins to wipe away the frosting, which now evolved into a swirly haze all over me. Comb over guy came out with his sis color girl. I looked at them and said no need for the analysis as I’d already been colorized by one of the kids, now someone get me a damn mojito.

Happy 4th, stay safe and avoid running kids,

Lafemmeroar

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© 2014 Lafemmeroar