Food Fetish of my Blind Date

I know it’s been a while, but here’s an oldie but a goodie to remind you why you subscribed to my blog in the first place…enjoy and lots of love from your favorite Crazy Chick!

My happily married sister, a real estate agent, set me up on a blind date with a former client. He called me and for the next few days we talked for hours about film, books, music and being single in our forties. He’s divorced, no kids,  a technical writer and a self-proclaimed foodie. Our verbal dynamics promised a prosperous first date. I wasn’t expecting a love match, but I wasn’t expecting what I got either.

We met for dinner and at first sight I noticed his nice smile and his gaze at my tush (thank you GAP jeans). You’re taller than I expected he said (my sister is very petite and I’m 5’7″) and he followed it up with an I like it. The hostess led us to our table. I ordered the double cut pork chops with garlic mashed and asparagus tips (yum) and he ordered the shrimp scampi. When the waitress left he said hmmm. I asked him what he meant. And he said I was expecting you to order a salad.

Was he being cheap because the chops clocked in at $35 or did he think I needed to go on a diet?  Why would you assume I’d order just a salad I asked. Most women on dates usually order salads he said. How often do you date I asked. Often he said and most of them aren’t big eaters. Then I asked the question, the question that went against my whole constitution of “love thyself.” I said do you think I”m fat. (I wanted to slap myself. No, I wanted to drag myself by the hair and beat my head against the wall. Why the hell did I say that?) No, I like women who like to eat he said. Whew. Then he should like me plenty I thought.

The meal came. I ate heartily and he talked about seeing a movie next time. Talk about a second date on the first date was a good thing. Would I soon have a partner in life? Would I soon have a partner in my bed? During the meal he gave me half of his shrimp scampi. Food sharing … I like it I thought. When I tried to reciprocate the gesture by offering half of my chops he said no.  He was very attentive and he couldn’t take his eyes away from me. His looks went from longing to lustful. I should have picked up on the meaning of those looks, but I was too busy chewing to think. Then he asked me if I wanted dessert. I declined since the chops, tatters and tips, plus his scampi and three pieces of bread were beginning to bloat me. Sure you do he said. Since I was done chewing and had my thinking cap back on I became suspicious. I excused myself and went to the ladies room.

I went into the stall and called my sister.  I think he has a food fetish I said. I think she thought I said foot fetish because she asked me if I were wearing open toed sandals. Then she said be nice and don’t be sarcastic. Well I hadn’t spewed an ounce of sarcasm all night I said and hung up.

When I returned I saw a four layer chocolate cake with vanilla bean ice cream on the table. Such a scrumptious sight would normally have me salivating like one of Pavlov’s dogs. But in this instance that cake going in my mouth would have, I’m sure, represented a tantalizing treat for his loins. If he thinks that I’m going to get him off at the table or have sex with him on a full stomach, he was crazy. I pushed the cake away and he pushed it back to me and said come on you know you want it; you’re a foodie just like me. I don’t think he and I are the same kind of foodie. Then I said are you a foodie or a food fetishist. He smiled and said it turns me on to watch women eat. Then I said in that case which one of us do you want to fuck … the food or me? His face turned white. He looked insulted. Then he asked for the check. I would never hear from him again. My sister called me the next day to tell me that he had unfriended her on Facebook.

In theory, this gastronomic deviant would be perfect. I love to eat and he would have loved to watch me eat. But I want a man who will enhance my life not my girth.

Happy eating,

Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

10 Responses to Food Fetish of my Blind Date

  1. zumpoems says:

    Great sense of humor! You deserve a syndicated column!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I agree… lolol

  2. Bodhirose says:

    Yeah, that’s the Laf I remember!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You are truly precious … so glad you decided to visit. I’m hoping more crazy chicks like you remember my good old days 🙂

      • Bodhirose says:

        Thanks, I’m sure there are many other Crazy Chicks out there who fondly remember your good old days and your irreverent and hilarious commentary on a array of subjects! 🙂 I hope you are well and happy, Laf.
        Gayle ~

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          I hope you’re right 🙂 I’m well, sometimes happy and always crazy. I’ll try to post again soon–you’ve inspired me!

  3. Always lovely to see a post from you. Your wry approach to life is missed in Duckland 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Hi there stranger….I’ll try to post more just for Duckland 🙂

  4. duncanr says:

    loved the food/foot fetish confusion, sandals question 😆

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Glad to have given you a bit of entertainment 🙂

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