Confessions of a former snooper

When Pandora’s opened the jar, she unleashed all sorts of horror and evil on mankind. Have you ever been as curious as Pandora? Have you ever had that compunction to open a friend’s medicine chest? Have you ever found yourself alone in your boyfriend’s place rummaged through his drawers?  Have you ever been so curious that you invaded someone’s privacy? If curiosity killed the cat what did your curiosity do to you?

In my youth I was a snoop. Although, I likened myself to be more of an investigator of mysteries. When my parents thought I was tucked in and snoozing I was lurking and snooping. As a teen, I read a friend’s letter and found out that she was Read more of this post

Perks of Booze

There’s nothing wrong with an occasional cocktail… 

What's in a Woman's Mind

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© 2017 Lafemmeroar

How to Survive Blind Dates

You know friends are having a pity party for you when they start to set you up on blind dates. You can either say no and stay home or say yes and take a chance. I’ve had my share of blind date hell, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on finding true love. In the meantime, here are some tips to keep in mind about blind dating.

Practice your poker face. Go in front of the mirror. Now imagine that your date looks like this guy. Now smile and say nice to meet you. Keep on practicing until your look of disgust transforms into a generic pleasantness. You’re in no position to judge him. Remember that looks are subjective. Another girl would probably think he’s a total hottie. Besides it’s not his fault he looks that way. What you should do is send your matchmaker friend an email virus for setting you up with a total “minzer.”

Carry a concealed weapon. You don’t know this guy. Crazies look and act normal on the outside, but they’re homicidal on the inside. You need protection just in case. Forget about pepper spray or taser guns. Looking for them inside your purse is like looking for your keys. And we all know what that’s like. You need to be a WELP (Woman with an Extremely Large Purse). Walloping your blind date with a purse full of books is a good way to defend yourself. The hardcover version of “Breakthrough” by Suzanne Summers combined with all the other thingamajigs you have in your purse can do some damage. But if you’re serious about self-protection then you’ll need a copy of the “Oxford English Dictionary.” He’ll be seeing stars when you whack him on the head with this lexicon. Tip: Aiming for the little head will have him talking like Mickey Mouse as he cowers away in pain.

Be cool. If your date turns out like this guy (fill in the blank face with your fantasy man), don’t get your panties in a bunch. There’s nothing worse than a woman with a constant I just hit the hunk lottery look on her face. Retain your composure even though your insides are turning cartwheels. He’s not yours–yet. Smile, be nice, and avoid talking about religion, politics and especially marriage. Let him do the talking (guys like that) and just nod your head (who cares if you disagree with him). There’s plenty of time to be yourself once you’ve hooked him.

 

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© 2017 Lafemmeroar

Thinking about The Divinyls

I was standing in line at the post office and out of boredom I started singing this song:

The woman in front of me turned around with a disgusted look on her face.

So I smiled at her and said “I’m only singing about it, but I wish I were doing it.”

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© 2017 Lafemmeroar

New Crazy Chick Diet

Hello Readers,

Disclaimer: This diet is very effective, but try it at your own risk or at the risk of your victim. Lafemmeroar should not be blamed, sued, or held responsible in the event that such risky tactics (albeit effective) result in the idea that it’s okay to abuse food in such a cavalier way.

Enjoy this funny cartoon…

1_The Purge

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Twisted Crossed Words and Coined Phrases

What do you get when you cross a cat and a dog?

A catty bitch

What’s a crazy person who thinks they’re sane?

A logical loon

What do you do when you see a woman with PMS?

Hide

What do you call a bath in the land of King Midas?

Golden Showers

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Food Fetish of my Blind Date

I know it’s been a while, but here’s an oldie but a goodie to remind you why you subscribed to my blog in the first place…enjoy and lots of love from your favorite Crazy Chick!

My happily married sister, a real estate agent, set me up on a blind date with a former client. He called me and for the next few days we talked for hours about film, books, music and being single in our forties. He’s divorced, no kids,  a technical writer and a self-proclaimed foodie. Our verbal dynamics promised a prosperous first date. I wasn’t expecting a love match, but I wasn’t expecting what I got either.

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Christmas Gift from Santa

Every year I ask Santa to give me something really good for Christmas. After all … I try to be good (in my own way) all year long and I should be rewarded for my deeds …shouldn’t I????

What do you think Crazy Chicks?

1_christmas

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Unintentional Sexual Thoughts

Lafemmeroar

Wikimedia Commons

I’m single and dateless, that also means I’m “sexless.” But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. In fact I think more about sex when I’m not getting it. I think about sex multiple times a day–hell multiple times an hour and sometimes multiple times a minute when I have my quickie thoughts.

I can be teary-eyed while cutting up an onion, but my mind will be engrossed with thoughts about scorching the sheets with some hot fantasy male. In fact I’m thinking about sex now. I think about sex so much that I’ve suffered many embarrassing 

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My letter from Santa!

When I was just a wee kid who looked up to people because I was too short to look at them straight in the face, I believed in Santa Claus. I wrote him a wish list every year and I mailed it to the North Pole. I asked for big-ticket items like a bike, a phonograph (I’m dating myself here), a tape recorder (I thought I wanted to be a reporter but I really just wanted to use the device to snoop on people) and such.

Every year Santa always got it wrong.  When I asked for a pink bike I got a puke orange bike with no basket, but he did include a little honker. I knew that Santa wasn’t perfect but he always came close. One year I asked for a Baby Alive, a doll  that ate, drank, pooped and peed.

Imagine my surprise when I received a letter back from Santa:

Wikimedia Commons – Patrick Lentz from Boston, USA

Dear Petit Lafemme,

You have been a good girl this year. You reduced your pouting to every other day and you only stuck out your tongue behind your mother’s back once a week. What an improvement! You always get good grades even though you never do your homework and you only hit your siblings with an open hand. So this year I thought that I could finally give you the toy of your desire. Read more of this post

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