Symptoms of Brain Damage

Wikimedia Commons

There are various ways to sustain a brain damage. Hitting the skull on a hard surface is how most people do it. Some just drink and drug it up to oblivion causing their noodle to go stir crazy while others simply go bonkers for no reason at all. This last example is the most life threatening because there is nothing more dangerous than having a damaged brain and still think you’re working with a full deck.  If things seem a bit askew to you lately, then you might be one of those unfortunates.  So as part of my good deed for the week I would like to list the various symptoms one can experience when their noodle turns into scrambled eggs.

You’ve got a warped noodle when you start showing the following symptoms: 

Ego issues: Your alter ego becomes a primary maniac.

Forgetfulness: You start forgetting things you don’t want to remember such as Valentine’s Day, your marital status, your ex’s birthday and your dental appointment.

You have difficulty processing information: You have a hard time comprehending what the heck that used condom was doing in your boyfriend’s bathroom when you hadn’t had sex in a month.   Read more of this post

Health, Excess and Holiday Stress

Thanksgiving took a toll on my body. I ate and drank as if it were the last day on earth.When I woke up Friday I found a note on my pillow.

***

Dear Lafemme,

By Tibor Végh (Tenerife 2010 124.JPG) [CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

After months of eating healthy you finally cleansed your body of the toxins you’ve been polluting it with for most of your life. And in one day you ruined all that hard work by opening your pie hole to all that fatty food loaded with butter, eggs and who knows what else. To top it off, you imbibed so much booze that you were barely able to walk straight at the end of the night. What kind of way is that to treat your inner organs? Do you want to end up looking like a crazy chick version of this whale man on the beach?

Have you no shame? Read more of this post

Symptoms of Brain Damage

Wikimedia Commons

There are various ways to sustain a brain damage. Hitting the skull on a hard surface is how most people do it. Some just drink and drug it up to oblivion causing their noodle to go stir crazy while others simply go bonkers for no reason at all. This last example is the most life threatening because there is nothing more dangerous than having a damaged brain and still think you’re working with a full deck.  If things seem a bit askew to you lately, then you might be one of those unfortunates.  So as part of my good deed for the week I would like to list the various symptoms one can experience when their noodle turns into scrambled eggs.

You’ve got a warped noodle when you start showing the following symptoms: 

Ego issues: Your alter ego becomes a primary maniac.

Forgetfulness: You start forgetting things you don’t want to remember such as Valentine’s Day, your marital status, your exes birthday and your dental appointment.

You have difficulty processing information: You have a hard time comprehending what the heck that used condom was doing in your boyfriend’s bathroom when you hadn’t had sex in a month.   Read more of this post

New Words in the English Dictionary

Here are the latest words added to the English Dictionary: 

Cougarland: A place for cougars, usually a frat party or sports bar, to find no strings sex with a younger guy. “Ladies pack lots of condoms, we’re going to Cougarland … yay … yay … yay!”

Yeah Right: A pseudo documentary where producers put wackos in contrived life situations that will bring the diarrhea out of their personalities. “The stench of television is due to the extreme popularity of Yeah Rights.”

TUT (TotallyUn-Talented): A term used to describe television personalities devoid of artistic or intellectual value. “I put my brain in a jar when I watch TUTs on the “A-List New York.” or “The Kardashians received the TUT statue for outstanding stupidity at the First Annual Yeah Rights Awards.”

False Hope: Products that claim to transform a schlong the size of a crayon Read more of this post

Reading and Eating: Balance for a Healthy Mind and Body

Years ago some “Mr. Know it all” approached me, while I was reading a book and eating a bag of chips inside the student lounge. He looked at me and said, “Reading is like eating. You can’t get anything out of junk, but junk itself.” Was his comment a criticism of my weight, my mind … or both? Since he was a know it all, I took his advice. I put away the latest bestseller, threw away the chips and soda (just in case he was referring to my weight), and began my journey to nourish my mind and my body.

Read more of this post

Bread, Expansion and Cleaning

I love to eat! For the past couple of years, I’ve likened myself to bread dough. For you non-bakers out there, the process of making bread is simple. Mix flour, water, salt and yeast then knead and let rise. After rising you punch it down and let it rise again. And voila it’s ready for the oven. The chemistry of flour and water reacting to the yeast is pretty much how my body reacts to food: expansion upon contact.

As the years go by that yeast is becoming more effective. And while I do embrace my “volumptuousness,” I don’t want to let myself go to the point that they’d have to un-hinge the doors before I can get out of the house. I want to maintain my “Rubenesquiness.” So every once in a while I do need a punch-down, which means exercise. Since I hate any type of body movement that requires me to count up to eight and repeat again I’ve come up with an alternative: house cleaning.

It’s amazing how much one can sweat while vacuuming, dusting and moping (oops I meant mopping). Add to that a thorough rub down of the bathroom and kitchen and you’ve got yourself a whole cardio workout. Plus, you’ve got a spic and span dwelling. I felt so good that I rewarded myself with a pan full of Texas Toast from Sara Lee.

Happy eating and cleaning,

Lafemmeroar

© 2011 Lafemmeroar

Gravitage

Ah, the beauty of youth is wasted on the youth. It was certainly wasted on me when I roamed the earth stuffing everything I could get my hands on inside my mouth thinking that I could live like a glutton forever and keep an effortlessly thin body. It was certainly wasted on me when I went around braless and thought that my breasts would remain taut and perky forever. Why is it that beauty is only represented by the young and thin? Why is it that beauty is only shown through the unearned perfection of youth?

It’s ironic that I never really thought about my looks or weight until I noticed the signs of “gravitage.” For me this was an overnight revelation. I wasn’t prepared. One day I was thin and perky and the next I was dumpy and slumpy.

Yes gravity and age are synonymous with death and taxes. It’s inevitable. It permeates our physical world and drives us insane. But imagine a world without the Vogues and Elles and the InStyles … can you? Considering the amount of magazines I have on my kitchen table, the answer to that would be no. I too have been captivated by the propaganda. I’ve spent too many dollars on beauty products. diets and exercise equipment whose powers can’t possibly fight against the natural law of “gravitage.”

So, I’m fighting back! I refuse to be dumpy and slumpy. From now on I see myself as a goddess of “volumptuousness” fit to be revered by a man who appreciates the enhanced beauty of maturity. There are men out there who like a little cushion in the rump. It’s comforting spooning with something soft by your side instead of a skeletal waif that only eats salad without dressing. It’s more fun to be with a body that’s alive in the pendulous movements of parts meant to be adored with kisses and caresses. And we are meant to be adored ladies …

Beautifully yours,

Lafemmeroar

© 2011 Lafemmeroar

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