Sticking a Poker on the Groper

Back in the day when there were knights in shinning armors, prince charmings, and gallant gentlemen, women had protectors from the unwanted advances of SOBs. (At least in my fantasy.) Today, the single woman who is friendly in a social situation runs the risk of encountering men who treat women like a piece of meat.

Last night I attended a wedding and I was looking pretty svelte  (thanks to SPANX) in the putrid olive-green bridesmaid dress. After the cake cutting and the bouquet throwing there was still plenty of dancing and libations. I was table hopping when a man who I met earlier that evening asked me to dance. My MILK detector told me to decline, plus the band was playing (if you can believe this) “Feelings.” (I thought the Wedding Singers Association

Double My SPANX

Unless I starve myself for a week (and that’s not going to happen), I’ll look like a sausage that’s come out of its casing in  the putrid olive bridesmaid dress I’m sentenced to wear for my girlfriend’s wedding next week. I needed help. So, I  bought myself some SPANX. For years I’ve denied the idea of using a girdle, oh excuse me body shaper as they’re called now, but I have to face facts. I can’t look svelte without any help.

I bought the SPANX Slim Cognito Shaping Mid-Thigh Bodysuit with a “Super-Duper” slimming level according to the product description. I put it on then I put on the dress. Not bad. And if I held my stomach in all day, fixed my hair a certain way that actually made my cowlick work for me, and dusted my face with make-up I would look (oh dare I say it) like a MILF as my friend the MILK  had said.

Then I wondered if the SPANX would hold up. Would my muffin top re-surface against the powerful hold of SPANX after I’ve had a half-dozen glasses of champagne, and consumed the bread, salad, the surf and turf menu with dessert and wedding cake served at the reception? Would my svelte line maintain? I had drunk a bottle of water during my musing and things were already getting a little tight. So, I went online and ordered another pair. Doubling up on the SPANX would surely support my “svelteness” even after drinking and eating my heart’s content. Wish me luck next week dear readers as I surely will need it.

SPANXfully yours,

Lafemmeroar

© 2011 Lafemmeroar