Fantasy Guy versus Real Guy

  • Fantasy guy smells good.  Real guy farts out the chili he had for lunch.

  • Fantasy guy is well groomed. Real guy cuts his nails and lets the clippings drop to the floor.

  • Fantasy guy knows fine cuisine. Real guy puts the fries in his hamburger then dips the whole thing in bbq sauce.

  • Fantasy guy buys tampons for you. Real guy says “ARE YOU F#*+#&G CRAZY!!!!!” and tosses you a roll of toilet paper.

  • Fantasy guy buys you flowers. Real guy thinks flowers are a waste of money.

  • Fantasy guy gives you oral sex. Real guy says “I’ll do you if you do me first” then once he gets his happy ending he doesn’t bother to return the “favor.”

  • Fantasy guy is a billionaire. Real guy makes you pay for your dinner.

  • Fantasy guy buys you lingerie at Victoria’s Secret. Real guy takes you to the 99 cent store.

  • Fantasy guy never looks at other women. Real guy has eye radar for any tit (real or fake) and ass (big or small) that passes by!

  • Fantasy guy loves your curves. Real guy wants an anorexic.

  • Fantasy guy watches Lifetime movies with you. Real guy watches ESPN 24/7.

  • Fantasy guy hates strip clubs. Real guy walks into a strip club and they all know him by name “Regular.”

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© 2014 Lafemmeroar

What the Rich Think About the Poor

It Strikes Me as Odd — A Fable

Wikimedia Commons

Once upon a time in a place called Nowhere during the era of Ubiquity there were two women having tea and scones in an elegant and dainty café.

“It strikes me as odd that the color of money is green,” Aye Whole said as she put a piece of scone in her mouth.

“I think it would be much prettier if it were rainbow-colored don’t you?” said her friend Fallow Weir.

“No. As someone who has a lot of money, I can without a doubt say that money would be much more pleasantly held in my hand if it were a different color. Say the color of gold for the rich and brown for the poor.”

“Why brown for the poor?” Fallow asked stirring her tea.

“Because brown is the color of excrement,” replied Aye. “And everything the poor touches turns into excrement. And it should be gold for the rich because we have the Read more of this post

The Crazy Chick Revenge

The Crazy Chick Revenge

Screen Shot 2011-10-31 at 10.59.16 PMHe’s hurt you. Your heart feels like hamburger meat that’s been thrown to the dogs and your self-esteem has gone on vacation on the lonely island of self-pity. We’ve all been through the hell of hurt by a bad SCHLONG. And yes, despite the benevolence of heart we try to embody, it feels damn good to ruminate on the malevolence of REVENGE.

I’ve often ruminated on the orgasmic thought of getting even. And if we didn’t have the police and if there weren’t such a thing as Karma, or a conscience—oh the things I would have liked to do to some of the SCHLONGS I’ve known.

Read more of this post

A Crazy Chick’s Version of a Perfect World

In my perfect world:

the more you eat the less you’ll weigh the drive-thru lane always gets your order right there are no cosmetic surgeons because wrinkles don’t exist children are happy, loved, nurtured and educated soldiers will carry tambourines and daisies instead of guns and bombs politicians will think about the people instead of the next election I can have an orgasm just by thinking about it and it will last for as long as I want it to … Lady Gaga looks human and not like an alien Read more of this post

A Crazy Chick’s Version of a Perfect World

In my perfect world:

the more you eat the less you’ll weigh

the drive-thru lane always gets your order right

there are no cosmetic surgeons because wrinkles don’t exist

children are happy, loved, nurtured and educated

soldiers will carry tambourines and daisies instead of guns and bombs

politicians will think about the people instead of the next election

I can have an orgasm just by thinking about it and it will last for as long as I want it to …

Lady Gaga looks human and not like an alien Read more of this post

Ultimate Compost Recipe– The Growing Powers of Crap

Are you a gardener with a black thumb? What you need is some good quality crap for your dirt.

But why waste your dough buying fertilizer when you can make your own? My “Ferti-Liar” compost recipe will transform even the most barren soil into rich fertile ground.

Wikimedia Commons — Mariegriffiths at en.wikipedia

 

“Ferti-Liar” Compost Recipe

♦ 1 really big container

♦ a hell of a lot of garden debris (dry leaves, small bark , grass clippings and etc)

♦ food trash (egg shells, rinds and peels, and coffee grounds)

   and for the secret ingredient Read more of this post

Have you ever …?

Zoesees inspired this post.

Have you ever …

met a man you didn’t like only to date him and realize that you truly didn’t like him?

hid from someone you haven’t seen in years because you looked like crap that day?

looked in the mirror and said who is that?

ordered 3 super-sized fries at a McDonalds and asked for separate bags so the cashier wouldn’t think it was for you?

kicked a man on the Read more of this post

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