Protest Letter from a Blog Reader

I got this email from a reader and I thought I’d share it with you:

Dear Lafemmeroar,

I’ve been perusing your blog and noticed your posts about schlongs. You seem obsessed with this body part. Are you just angry at the schlong population in general or do you have penis envy? What’s all this whacking of schlongs in some of your poems? And what’s up with your recipes anyway? You’re not a cook. I haven’t seen one single recipe in your site that one can actually eat unless they’re cannibals. Imagine the consequences if the wrong person read your recipe on “How to Make a Human Burrito.” And for the record my ex-girlfriend read your Detox Recipe and now I’m homeless. In fact I had to sweet talk a chick into borrowing her laptop so I can write you this email. Despite your disclaimers “some people” actually believe what you write Read more of this post

Ultimate Compost Recipe– The Growing Powers of Crap

Are you a gardener with a black thumb? What you need is some good quality crap for your dirt.

But why waste your dough buying fertilizer when you can make your own? My “Ferti-Liar” compost recipe will transform even the most barren soil into rich fertile ground.

Wikimedia Commons — Mariegriffiths at en.wikipedia

 

“Ferti-Liar” Compost Recipe

♦ 1 really big container

♦ a hell of a lot of garden debris (dry leaves, small bark , grass clippings and etc)

♦ food trash (egg shells, rinds and peels, and coffee grounds)

   and for the secret ingredient Read more of this post

From Hell to Pleasure–A Poem


Oh no! Save me!

 

Twas all Hallows Eve and all through the house

I heard creepy noises could it be a mouse?

I checked all the rooms and down through the hall

Then I heard it tap tapping right through the wall

My heart filled with fright and I ran to the door

Ready to scream then I tripped on the floor

I lifted my head and out came a creature

It looked like a monster from some sci-fi feature Read more of this post

‘Twas the Night of My Date–Poetic Revenge

‘Twas the night of my date, when all through the house

I ran like a loon while buttoning my blouse

Tucked in my purse was a condom just in case

We ended the night in amorous embrace 

My doubts I kept hidden and snug in my head 

Be positive said all the books I have read 

I sat and waited for his knock on my door

When no one came knocking my heart fell to the floor Read more of this post

Embarrassing Celebrity and Political News

Lafemmeroar here giving you the latest malfunctions of the universe for your entertainment:

The Battle of Two Chefs

Wikimedia Commons-- WNYC New York Public Radio. Cropped and edited by Daniel Case--cc-by-2.0

Food Network star and reigning queen of butter Paula Deen recently received news that she is being sued by Anthony Bourdain, the infamous host of “No Reservations” on the Travel Channel. Bourdain alleges that Deen purposely sat on his right hand and broke it in five places during a press junket for the “Food is Good” documentary. “I heard it crack once her ass sat on it. How am I going to sign autographs now? What’s worse is that I use my right hand to flip people off.” Bourdain said to reporters. “This is what eating excessive amounts of butter will do to you and those around you,” Bourdain states.

Deen’s sons rallied around their mama with the oldest Jaime saying that Read more of this post

How to Make a Human Burrito

Wikimedia Commons

Ingredients:

1 former BFF (preferably one who betrayed you and/or messed around with your ex)

Wikimedia Commons

2 scotch bonnet peppers (one of the hottest on earth)

1 real strong and thick rope

1 bottle of wine (the cheaper the better)

1 neuromuscular blocking drug (date rape or those things they call a mickey–not the mouse)

1 king sized flat sheet

Instructions:

Invite your former BFF for drinks and tell her you want to bury the “hatchet.”

When she arrives offer her a drink.

Dump the pill in her glass and stir with your dirty middle finger. Make sure she doesn’t see you do this.

Make sure she drinks the whole thing and offer her another for good measure.

Wait about five minutes. You’ll know that the pill has taken effect when she has that duh look in her eyes and her whole body is paralyzed. Don’t worry she’ll still be conscious as it’s best to keep the ingredient “aware” for the next step.

Slice the scotch bonnets in half.

You may rant during this process as the victim ingredient will be fully conscious and you might as well tell her what you really think. After all, her pie hole is paralyzed so she won’t be able to talk back.

Marinate her eyes by rubbing them with the peppers.

Wrap her in the sheet making sure to tuck the ends under as you roll. Then tie her up like you would a stuffed pork tenderloin.

Once you’ve got her nice and bundled up put her in the trunk of your car.

Drive to the nearest steel mill (make sure this step is done in the middle of the night) and dump the body burrito in a big vat of liquid steel.

Then high tail it outta there and hope that no one saw you.

Enjoy

Disclaimer: The above recipe is for entertainment purposes only.  Any similarity of the first ingredient to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Lafemmeroar is not to be held liable or responsible for any consequences, injuries, or fatalities that may occur in the “execution” of this recipe.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

The Man from Malutopia–Love Button Twitchings and Confusions #2

Part #1: This is the metamorphosis of a man who turns into a woman in a world dominated by men.

Zelda knew the schlongs would come back, and make her the queen of their schlong bang, but not before they contacted their leader Zeuks to join in on the fun. How ironic that a day ago Zeuks was the banger and now his schlonglessness would make him the “bangee.” The events of the day put a heavy toll in his her psyche for Zelda despite her newly formed “femmeness” still harbored a lot of alpha-maleness in her mind. All this was too confusing and stressful. In times of stress Zeuks spanked the schlong, but since Zeuks is now Zelda there was no schlong to spank.

But there is a love button behind the folds and he was an expert at rubbing that. So Zelda lay down on the bed and proceeded with de-stressing her mind. After a long while of rubbing and tugging her love button Zelda found Read more of this post

The Man from Malutopia–A Story of Genital Proportions

In the world of Malutopia lived an alpha male named Zeuks Strong. From his swagger and his muscles to his talent in seduction, Zeuks represented all that is manly and good in Malutopia. Zeuks along with his fellows schlongers Dionassus, Pervinsky, and Dickends worked, played and lived up to the Malutopia philosophy: Spread your seed for your need to breed. Read more of this post

Reading and Eating: Balance for a Healthy Mind and Body

Years ago some “Mr. Know it all” approached me, while I was reading a book and eating a bag of chips inside the student lounge. He looked at me and said, “Reading is like eating. You can’t get anything out of junk, but junk itself.” Was his comment a criticism of my weight, my mind … or both? Since he was a know it all, I took his advice. I put away the latest bestseller, threw away the chips and soda (just in case he was referring to my weight), and began my journey to nourish my mind and my body.

Read more of this post

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