October 16, 2014 11 Comments
September 25, 2014 12 Comments
Fantasy guy smells good. Real guy farts out the chili he had for lunch.
Fantasy guy is well groomed. Real guy cuts his nails and lets the clippings drop to the floor.
Fantasy guy knows fine cuisine. Real guy puts the fries in his hamburger then dips the whole thing in bbq sauce.
Fantasy guy buys tampons for you. Real guy says “ARE YOU F#*+#&G CRAZY!!!!!” and tosses you a roll of toilet paper.
Fantasy guy buys you flowers. Real guy thinks flowers are a waste of money.
Fantasy guy gives you oral sex. Real guy says “I’ll do you if you do me first” then once he gets his happy ending he doesn’t bother to return the “favor.”
Fantasy guy is a billionaire. Real guy makes you pay for your dinner.
Fantasy guy buys you lingerie at Victoria’s Secret. Real guy takes you to the 99 cent store.
Fantasy guy never looks at other women. Real guy has eye radar for any tit (real or fake) and ass (big or small) that passes by!
Fantasy guy loves your curves. Real guy wants an anorexic.
Fantasy guy watches Lifetime movies with you. Real guy watches ESPN 24/7.
Fantasy guy hates strip clubs. Real guy walks into a strip club and they all know him by name “Regular.”
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© 2014 Lafemmeroar
August 22, 2013 4 Comments
In the world of Malutopia lived an alpha male named Zeuks Strong. From his swagger and his muscles to his talent in seduction, Zeuks represented all that is manly and good in Malutopia. Zeuks along with his fellows schlongers Dionassus, Pervinsky, and Dickends worked, played and lived up to the Malutopia philosophy: Spread your seed for your need to breed. Read more of this post
June 24, 2013 14 Comments
The Crazy Chick Revenge
He’s hurt you. Your heart feels like hamburger meat that’s been thrown to the dogs and your self-esteem has gone on vacation on the lonely island of self-pity. We’ve all been through the hell of hurt by a bad SCHLONG. And yes, despite the benevolence of heart we try to embody, it feels damn good to ruminate on the malevolence of REVENGE.
I’ve often ruminated on the orgasmic thought of getting even. And if we didn’t have the police and if there weren’t such a thing as Karma, or a conscience—oh the things I would have liked to do to some of the SCHLONGS I’ve known.
March 26, 2013 20 Comments
An oldie but it still rings true … read and find out why:
A recent conversation with a very distraught and angry friend got me thinking about the damage women can do to men. Recently dumped by his girlfriend he ranted about how women are nothing but sneaky, gold digging liars who destroy men’s lives. I didn’t argue over his generalization or that he was talking to a woman. He was in too much pain to be challenged.
Basically, he bought her a new car, new boobs, a new nose and now she’s got a new man. She was a goddamn femme fatale he said. I had met the woman. So, I told him about the four types of femme fatale and since he’s a film buff I used a few movie references to support my descriptions
The Classic Femme Fatale in film noir seduces the man to commit the crime. In “Double Indemnity” Barbara Stanwyck two-times Fred MacMurray, but not before she convinces him to murder her husband. He couldn’t resist her so he killed for her. Classic femmes use their sexuality to compromise a man’s morality and ethics for a piece of prime tail that these men unknowingly have to share. Read more of this post
March 7, 2013 34 Comments
Wonder no more. I’m here to give you the 101:
A man who criticizes the size of a woman’s ass is actually criticizing the shortcomings of his schlong.
A man who says “I can do better than you” is actually saying “I’m not good enough for you.”
When he says “I think we should see other people” what he means is that he wants to catch an STD, but he doesn’t want to give it to you.
When you see “your new guy” in an awkward moment and he shrugs you off by saying Read more of this post
February 27, 2013 44 Comments