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This morning my girlfriend and her two kids (a cute little three and a half-year old girl hellion and a brooding 16-year-old boy) came over to pick me up for breakfast at IHOP. I was running late as usual so I let them in and finished drying my hair in the bathroom. When I turned off the dryer I heard the little hellion yelling “baby baton, baby baton.”
The hellion was running from my bedroom down the hall and in her hand was my newly purchased (and thankfully unused) Slender Wonder vibrator. The hellion then stopped running, inspected the “baby baton” and turned the pink nub. The baby baton started to buzz to which the hellion continued her parade and began to chant “buzzing baby baton, buzzing baby baton.” I ran after her, but I wasn’t quick enough for she jumped on her brooding brother’s lap, who was sitting in the living room texting. She waved my Slender Wonder in front of his face. I was mortified. He looked confused. Then the hellion dropped my Slender Wonder on his lap and ran to her mother who was in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee. I immediately grabbed the vibrator from his lap, rushed to my bedroom and stashed it back inside my night stand. Moments later my friend came in the room with the hellion. I told her what happened. She then said that I should lock “those things” up like she does.
Well dear readers, one benefit of being single, alone and childless is that the only thing I need to lock up is the front door. I am entitled to have a bevy of sex toys (which I don’t; in fact I just bought the Slender Wonder to replace the old vibrator that broke) if I wanted to.
We proceeded to IHOP and I ordered my usual spinach and mushroom omelette with hollandaise sauce. But the food had lost its appeal because the hellion couldn’t sit still. She kept chanting “baby baton” and for some reason she decided to mop the dirty floor with her hand. The brooding boy was no longer brooding either. In fact, he kept looking at me with a sideways grin in between his constant texting.
Was he texting about me? Was he telling his friends about his mother’s BFF and her “baby baton”? My paranoia escalated and my appetite deflated. I would have asked for a doggie bag, but the hellion dipped her hand in my omelette and began licking hollandaise on her palm. We paid the bill and my friend asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with them. The answer was obvious. They dropped me off and as I watched her SUV drive away I wondered how she balanced sanity and children. I immediately threw away my Slender Wonder. After this morning’s incident, I would never get any pleasure out of it. Memories.
I’ve often wondered how some mothers actually become thinner after pregnancy. It doesn’t happen to all, but I’ve seen friends who have become skin and bones after pregnancy. Then I realized that children can be the biggest appetite suppressant of all.
© 2011 Lafemmeroar