Questions I asked Mommy and Daddy

Looking at my childhood pictures reminded me of happy days filled with wonderings about the mysteries of the world. My innocence compelled me to ask questions, which my parents answered separately and together.

Will Santa give me that big doll house for Christmas?

Not this year sweetie. He’s on a budget.

Why do I have to order from the children’s menu when I can eat more than you can?

Small people must eat small portions.

Why can’t I eat more candy?

Because cavities are expensive.

Why do I have to go to school?

Dad: So you’ll know how to fill out a job application.

(Two frogs in my hand.) Do frogs really turn into prince charmings?

Mom: Eeeek!     Dad: Get that toad out of this house.

What’s divorce?

Signs that you grew up in a dysfunctional home

Hello Dear Readers,

We’re all a little crazy because many of us grew up in less than stellar homes. So, I thought I’d make this list for you. If you answer yes to at least five things on this list, then you belong to that oh so special group of people who survived the hell that was their childhood.

1. When you asked for permission, your father said “go ask your mother” and when you did she said “go ask your father.” And when you asked them together, they whacked you on the head for bothering them.

2. Alcohol was a staple item at mealtimes like dinner rolls.

3. Your parents spiked their coffee.

4. Your parents spiked your milk bottle.

5. You learned how to lie at a very young age–beats a beating!

6. When other kids drew sunshine and flowers next to their parents, you drew skull and bones.

7. You call your boyfriend “Big Daddy.”

8. Your parents told you the world is shit and you took it literally until you realized it was a metaphor.

9. You thought “boundaries” meant locking yourself in a room to fantasize about an “alternate reality.”

10. You thought all mothers ran around the house screaming what her life would have been like if she never met your father.

11. You thought “Bitch” meant “Mom.”

12. And “Motherf&#*%#” meant “Dad.”

Holiday Gift Ideas: Taser Gun for Parents

Imagine a cherubic face smiling at you or little feet running on a meadow of flowers. They’re always clean, they’re always smiling and playing with such delight.That’s what you see on post cards. This is Fantasy Kid.

There’s another type of child. The kind that cries, the kind with dirty hands and mouth … the kind with wet and stinky tushies.

This kid has pirated the single and free lifestyle. They won’t eat when they should, they wake up when they shouldn’t, and they break things. They can be unruly especially in public places.  This is the Real Kid