4th of July, Kids and Being Single

Just call me Morticia, for even in the hell of the heat I’ll wear black, which is exactly what I did at a  pre-4th of July barbecue I attended as a tag along with another single friend of mine. I don’t want to be the only unmarried one there she said and of course she singled me out from her handful of other single and not hating it lady friends. As I’m not the type to

Questions I asked Mommy and Daddy

Looking at my childhood pictures reminded me of happy days filled with wonderings about the mysteries of the world. My innocence compelled me to ask questions, which my parents answered separately and together.

Will Santa give me that big doll house for Christmas?

Not this year sweetie. He’s on a budget.

Why do I have to order from the children’s menu when I can eat more than you can?

Small people must eat small portions.

Why can’t I eat more candy?

Because cavities are expensive.

Why do I have to go to school?

Dad: So you’ll know how to fill out a job application.

(Two frogs in my hand.) Do frogs really turn into prince charmings?

Mom: Eeeek!     Dad: Get that toad out of this house.

What’s divorce?

Ready to Rumble at the Airport

I picked up a friend at the airport and almost got into a fight. This is how it went down.

I saw her waiting for me at the passenger pick up curb of LAX. I parked the car, popped the hood and got out to help her with her luggage. She grabbed one end I grabbed another but we couldn’t hoist the ton of bricks into my trunk.  She either packed a dead body or slabs of concrete because that sucker was heavy. My friend weighs about five pounds and how she got that lug from the baggage claim to the trolley was a mystery to me. We struggled for another minute until I told her that we should take out some of the contents to lighten it up. She searched her purse for the luggage keys but she couldn’t find it.

It’s summer in Los Angeles. I’d broken a sweat and my temper’s flaring

Confessions of a former snooper

When Pandora’s opened the jar, she unleashed all sorts of horror and evil on mankind. Have you ever been as curious as Pandora? Have you ever had that compunction to open a friend’s medicine chest? Have you ever found yourself alone in your boyfriend’s place rummaged through his drawers?  Have you ever been so curious that you invaded someone’s privacy? If curiosity killed the cat what did your curiosity do to you?

In my youth I was a snoop. Although, I likened myself to be more of an investigator of mysteries. When my parents thought I was tucked in and snoozing I was lurking and snooping. As a teen, I read a friend’s letter and found out that she was

Unintentional Sexual Thoughts

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I’m single and dateless, that also means I’m “sexless.” But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. In fact I think more about sex when I’m not getting it. I think about sex multiple times a day–hell multiple times an hour and sometimes multiple times a minute when I have my quickie thoughts.

I can be teary-eyed while cutting up an onion, but my mind will be engrossed with thoughts about scorching the sheets with some hot fantasy male. In fact I’m thinking about sex now. I think about sex so much that I’ve suffered many embarrassing 

Don’t Flirt on my Time

Patience is a virtue. I went to Starbucks and while I had intended to go through the drive through my tush said that I should park and walk it because I could use the “exercise.” Big mistake … I walk into a long line. I hate lines and the slow as snail baristas melts my patience like a glacier in hell. While waiting I try to entertain myself with the knick knacks on the shelves and ponder the logic of buying an overpriced coffee maker.

Hallelujah I’m next. Only the chick (flashing silicone cleavage) in front of me is flirting with the order taker (the horny half-wit). The two talk about clubbing, partying and other mindless “ing” activities while the last person in line (me) is  chomping at the bits for her caffeine fix. The guy behind the counter sees me,

10 Signs That He’s Mr. Wrong

Here are 10 signs that say the guy you’re with is NOT the guy for YOU:

1. The word “commitment” isn’t in his vocabulary: But he knows how to say “no strings sex” and “I need to see other people” in 5 different languages. 

2. He’s still looking for himself: If he’s lost, then you’ll never find love with him.

3. He’s exactly like your ex-boyfriend: This one is a no-brainer … DUH!

4. His words don’t match his actions: He says you’re the only woman for him, while his eyes fixate on the blonde bombshell and her knockers.

5. You don’t speak the same language: You say potato–he says potaTOH. You say relationship–he says bootie call. Oh just call the whole thing off.

Red, White and Blue All Over Me

This is an oldie but a goodie!

Just call me Morticia, for even in the hell of the heat I’ll wear black, which is exactly what I did at a recent pre-4th of July barbecue I attended as a tag along with another single friend of mine. I don’t want to be the only unmarried one there she said and of course she singled me out from her handful of other single and not hating it lady friends. As I’m not the type to

Being an Equal Opportunity Blogger

I needed to post this again for my new readers … 🙂

I was with my friend the other night and I showed her my blog. She cruised the site and said your blog seems biased against men. So I said it is? And she said yeah, and she read out loud some of my blog titles:

The Man from Malutopia–A Story of Genital Proportions

In the world of Malutopia lived an alpha male named Zeuks Strong. From his swagger and his muscles to his talent in seduction, Zeuks represented all that is manly and good in Malutopia. Zeuks along with his fellows schlongers Dionassus, Pervinsky, and Dickends worked, played and lived up to the Malutopia philosophy: Spread your seed for your need to breed.