How I Defy Reality

When my birthday cake has so many candles that it borders on being a fire hazard, I just think it’s the 4th of July.

I have a carnival mirror that makes me look 10 pounds thinner.

When I watch politicians arguing on T.V., I just pretend I’m watching a sitcom.

I believe that heartbreak is a workout for your heart … it takes the lickin’ but

New Words in the English Dictionary

Here are the latest words added to the English Dictionary: 

Cougarland: A place for cougars, usually a frat party or sports bar, to find no strings sex with a younger guy. “Ladies pack lots of condoms, we’re going to Cougarland … yay … yay … yay!”

Yeah Right: A pseudo documentary where producers put wackos in contrived life situations that will bring the diarrhea out of their personalities. “The stench of television is due to the extreme popularity of Yeah Rights.”

TUT (TotallyUn-Talented): A term used to describe television personalities devoid of artistic or intellectual value. “I put my brain in a jar when I watch TUTs on the “A-List New York.” or “The Kardashians received the TUT statue for outstanding stupidity at the First Annual Yeah Rights Awards.”

False Hope: Products that claim to transform a schlong the size of a crayon