Appetite Control On Thanksgiving

The holiday eating frenzy will begin soon.

If you’re worried about gaining weight this Thanksgiving, don’t fret.

I’ve got some tips on how to curb your appetite on turkey day 🙂

 

Tip 1: Argue with a relative you hate!

The anger and stress will have you

reaching for the booze instead of the

Crazy Chick Cafe–Mean Man: Episode 1

Hello dear readers. I’m happy to announce that I’ll be starting a new cartoon series titled “Crazy Chick Cafe.” If you’re wondering about the title, the answer is easy–I love to eat and I love to cook. Image all he havoc I can cause when exacting revenge using simple kitchen tools and my twisted noodle. 🙂

Schlong Salad

It’s not vegan, but it’s still good for you.

Imagine the look on a bad Schlong’s face

when he realizes that he’s eating one of his own kind!

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

Decadent Chocolate Mousse Recipe

Warning: This recipe doesn’t involve any schlongs–so guys relax … ya know I luv ya.

Once again, I am featuring one of my favorite You Tubers out  there — The Sweetest Vegan.

She is making a decadent vegan chocolate mousse recipe with a secret ingredient. I’ve made this recipe and it’s YUMMYLICIOUS! You need to watch the entire video because she has some funny outtakes.

Food Contamination

Lafemmeroar here with a very overdue blog post:

Okay, so I’m still into my vegan kick (except I still eat a little chicken and fish — sometimes) and I’m totally off dairy. I’m learning how to make lots of good healthy stuff. My latest concocktion is making coconut yogurt. I’ve never tried it, but I love yogurt and those probiotics would be good for my gut so I went for it.

I only needed two ingredients:

Young thai coconut (I bought a case at the asian store)

Probiotic powder

You basically take about 3 cups of meat and 1 part of the coconut water (at least that’s the ratio I’m working with) then whirl it into the blender. Once it’s all nice and smooth drop 1 or 2 capsules worth of probiotic powder, then put it in a jar to “ferment” the way some single ladies do sitting on a bar stool by their lonesome waiting for some guy to talk to them. After about 4 hours (or more) the yogurt should have cultured and it’s ready to be put in the fridge to cool.

Now, the hardest part of this process is opening the coconut . I’ve seen tons of You Tube videos on how to open a coconut. You basically whack the coconut on top three times with the bottom edge of a butcher knife and pry open the “head.” I didn’t have a butcher knife, but I did have a cheap knife and a hammer. So, off I went and whacked

Protest Letter from a Blog Reader

I got this email from a reader and I thought I’d share it with you:

Dear Lafemmeroar,

I’ve been perusing your blog and noticed your posts about schlongs. You seem obsessed with this body part. Are you just angry at the schlong population in general or do you have penis envy? What’s all this whacking of schlongs in some of your poems? And what’s up with your recipes anyway? You’re not a cook. I haven’t seen one single recipe in your site that one can actually eat unless they’re cannibals. Imagine the consequences if the wrong person read your recipe on “How to Make a Human Burrito.” And for the record my ex-girlfriend read your Detox Recipe and now I’m homeless. In fact I had to sweet talk a chick into borrowing her laptop so I can write you this email. Despite your disclaimers “some people” actually believe what you write

How to Make a Human Burrito

Wikimedia Commons

Ingredients:

1 former BFF (preferably one who betrayed you and/or messed around with your ex)

Wikimedia Commons

2 scotch bonnet peppers (one of the hottest on earth)

1 real strong and thick rope

1 bottle of wine (the cheaper the better)

1 neuromuscular blocking drug (date rape or those things they call a mickey–not the mouse)

1 king sized flat sheet

Instructions:

Invite your former BFF for drinks and tell her you want to bury the “hatchet.”

When she arrives offer her a drink.

Dump the pill in her glass and stir with your dirty middle finger. Make sure she doesn’t see you do this.

Make sure she drinks the whole thing and offer her another for good measure.

Wait about five minutes. You’ll know that the pill has taken effect when she has that duh look in her eyes and her whole body is paralyzed. Don’t worry she’ll still be conscious as it’s best to keep the ingredient “aware” for the next step.

Slice the scotch bonnets in half.

You may rant during this process as the victim ingredient will be fully conscious and you might as well tell her what you really think. After all, her pie hole is paralyzed so she won’t be able to talk back.

Marinate her eyes by rubbing them with the peppers.

Wrap her in the sheet making sure to tuck the ends under as you roll. Then tie her up like you would a stuffed pork tenderloin.

Once you’ve got her nice and bundled up put her in the trunk of your car.

Drive to the nearest steel mill (make sure this step is done in the middle of the night) and dump the body burrito in a big vat of liquid steel.

Then high tail it outta there and hope that no one saw you.

Enjoy

Disclaimer: The above recipe is for entertainment purposes only.  Any similarity of the first ingredient to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Lafemmeroar is not to be held liable or responsible for any consequences, injuries, or fatalities that may occur in the “execution” of this recipe.

Join the Crazy Chicks Club.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

Recipes for a Better Life

Detox Cocktail

1 part strength to boot him to the curb

1 part courage to live life alone (for a while)

2 parts hope that you’ll find a good guy–even if it takes years

6 good friends to talk to (optional)

and a whole lot of self-esteem (a must)

Instructions: Take a deep breath and execute the first ingredient as swiftly as you can. Then quickly develop the courage to be alone and blend with hope. Shake it up with some friends and bitch
to them some more about what you should have done ages ago. Now, dust yourself from head to toe with a whole lot of self-esteem.

No Date Cake