How to Survive Blind Dates

You know friends are having a pity party for you when they start to set you up on blind dates. You can either say no and stay home or say yes and take a chance. I’ve had my share of blind date hell, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on finding true love. In the meantime, here are some tips to keep in mind about blind dating.

Practice your poker face. Go in front of the mirror. Now imagine that your date looks like this guy. Now smile and say nice to meet you. Keep on practicing until your look of disgust transforms into a generic pleasantness. You’re in no position to judge him. Remember that looks are subjective. Another girl would probably think he’s a total hottie. Besides it’s not his fault he looks that way. What you should do is send your matchmaker friend an email virus for setting you up with a total “minzer.”

Carry a concealed weapon. You don’t know this guy. Crazies look and act normal on the outside, but they’re homicidal on the inside. You need protection just in case. Forget about pepper spray or taser guns. Looking for them inside your purse is like looking for your keys. And we all know what that’s like. You need to be a WELP (Woman with an Extremely Large Purse). Walloping your blind date with a purse full of books is a good way to defend yourself. The hardcover version of “Breakthrough” by Suzanne Summers combined with all the other thingamajigs you have in your purse can do some damage. But if you’re serious about self-protection then you’ll need a copy of the “Oxford English Dictionary.” He’ll be seeing stars when you whack him on the head with this lexicon. Tip: Aiming for the little head will have him talking like Mickey Mouse as he cowers away in pain.

Be cool. If your date turns out like this guy (fill in the blank face with your fantasy man), don’t get your panties in a bunch. There’s nothing worse than a woman with a constant I just hit the hunk lottery look on her face. Retain your composure even though your insides are turning cartwheels. He’s not yours–yet. Smile, be nice, and avoid talking about religion, politics and especially marriage. Let him do the talking (guys like that) and just nod your head (who cares if you disagree with him). There’s plenty of time to be yourself once you’ve hooked him.

 

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© 2017 Lafemmeroar

Thinking about The Divinyls

I was standing in line at the post office and out of boredom I started singing this song:

The woman in front of me turned around with a disgusted look on her face.

So I smiled at her and said “I’m only singing about it, but I wish I were doing it.”

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© 2017 Lafemmeroar

Food Fetish of my Blind Date

I know it’s been a while, but here’s an oldie but a goodie to remind you why you subscribed to my blog in the first place…enjoy and lots of love from your favorite Crazy Chick!

My happily married sister, a real estate agent, set me up on a blind date with a former client. He called me and for the next few days we talked for hours about film, books, music and being single in our forties. He’s divorced, no kids,  a technical writer and a self-proclaimed foodie. Our verbal dynamics promised a prosperous first date. I wasn’t expecting a love match, but I wasn’t expecting what I got either.

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The Frenemy

Self-expression is the choice between satisfying the stirrings of my emotional conscience and burning bridges. Good behavior makes me feel like a soloist in a symphony with an indifferent, but hostile audience. Play flawlessly and the audience is silent, but hit a wrong note and receive hisses and jeers.

I don’t want to be difficult, disagreeable or MEAN, but I can be. I don’t want to be different for the sake of being unique, such contrivances are pedestrian antics of a lost soul. I’m no longer lost, but I haven’t reached my destination either. But I am/can be different because we cannot ALL BE THE SAME. In my circle of reality, I am the lone femme–single, never married and childless. 

I am an oxymoron moving within the flow of life. I go unnoticed and then a malfunction Read more of this post

I Touch Myself

Ever have an out-of-body experience when you feel the bliss of solitude in a room full of people?

I was standing in line at the post office and out of boredom I started singing this song. Read more of this post

Fantasy Guy versus Real Guy

  • Fantasy guy smells good.  Real guy farts out the chili he had for lunch.

  • Fantasy guy is well groomed. Real guy cuts his nails and lets the clippings drop to the floor.

  • Fantasy guy knows fine cuisine. Real guy puts the fries in his hamburger then dips the whole thing in bbq sauce.

  • Fantasy guy buys tampons for you. Real guy says “ARE YOU F#*+#&G CRAZY!!!!!” and tosses you a roll of toilet paper.

  • Fantasy guy buys you flowers. Real guy thinks flowers are a waste of money.

  • Fantasy guy gives you oral sex. Real guy says “I’ll do you if you do me first” then once he gets his happy ending he doesn’t bother to return the “favor.”

  • Fantasy guy is a billionaire. Real guy makes you pay for your dinner.

  • Fantasy guy buys you lingerie at Victoria’s Secret. Real guy takes you to the 99 cent store.

  • Fantasy guy never looks at other women. Real guy has eye radar for any tit (real or fake) and ass (big or small) that passes by!

  • Fantasy guy loves your curves. Real guy wants an anorexic.

  • Fantasy guy watches Lifetime movies with you. Real guy watches ESPN 24/7.

  • Fantasy guy hates strip clubs. Real guy walks into a strip club and they all know him by name “Regular.”

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© 2014 Lafemmeroar

Unintentional Sexual Thoughts

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I’m single and dateless, that also means I’m “sexless.” But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. In fact I think more about sex when I’m not getting it. I think about sex multiple times a day–hell multiple times an hour and sometimes multiple times a minute when I have my quickie thoughts.

I can be teary-eyed while cutting up an onion, but my mind will be engrossed with thoughts about scorching the sheets with some hot fantasy male. In fact I’m thinking about sex now. I think about sex so much that I’ve suffered many embarrassing  Read more of this post

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