My letter from Santa!

When I was just a wee kid who looked up to people because I was too short to look at them straight in the face, I believed in Santa Claus. I wrote him a wish list every year and I mailed it to the North Pole. I asked for big-ticket items like a bike, a phonograph (I’m dating myself here), a tape recorder (I thought I wanted to be a reporter but I really just wanted to use the device to snoop on people) and such.

Every year Santa always got it wrong.  When I asked for a pink bike I got a puke orange bike with no basket, but he did include a little honker. I knew that Santa wasn’t perfect but he always came close. One year I asked for a Baby Alive, a doll  that ate, drank, pooped and peed.

Imagine my surprise when I received a letter back from Santa:

Wikimedia Commons – Patrick Lentz from Boston, USA

Dear Petit Lafemme,

You have been a good girl this year. You reduced your pouting to every other day and you only stuck out your tongue behind your mother’s back once a week. What an improvement! You always get good grades even though you never do your homework and you only hit your siblings with an open hand. So this year I thought that I could finally give you the toy of your desire. Read more of this post

How kids can make you thin

Clipart from Clipartheaven.com

This morning my girlfriend and her two kids (a cute little three and a half-year old girl hellion and a brooding 16-year-old boy) came over to pick me up for breakfast at IHOP. I was running late as usual so I let them in  and finished drying my hair in the bathroom. When I turned off the dryer I heard the little hellion yelling “baby baton, baby baton.”

The hellion was running from my bedroom down the hall and in her hand was my newly purchased (and thankfully unused) Slender Wonder vibrator. The hellion then stopped running, inspected the “baby baton” and turned the pink nub. The baby baton started to buzz  to which the hellion continued her parade and began to chant “buzzing baby baton, buzzing baby baton.” I ran after her, but I wasn’t quick enough for she jumped on her brooding brother’s lap, who was sitting in the living room texting. She waved my Slender Wonder in front of his face. I was mortified. He looked confused. Then the hellion dropped my Slender Wonder on his lap Read more of this post

My letter from Santa!

When I was just a wee kid who looked up to people because I was too short to look at them straight in the face, I believed in Santa Claus. I wrote him a wish list every year and I mailed it to the North Pole. I asked for big-ticket items like a bike, a phonograph (I’m dating myself here), a tape recorder (I thought I wanted to be a reporter but I really just wanted to use the device to snoop on people) and such.

Every year Santa always got it wrong.  When I asked for a pink bike I got a puke orange bike with no basket, but he did include a little honker. I knew that Santa wasn’t perfect but he always came close. One year I asked for a Baby Alive, a doll  that ate, drank, pooped and peed.

Imagine my surprise when I received a letter back from Santa:

Wikimedia Commons – Patrick Lentz from Boston, USA

Dear Petit Lafemme, Read more of this post

Appetite Loss and Bad Vibrations of the Baby Baton

Clipart from Clipartheaven.com

This morning my girlfriend and her two kids (a cute little three and a half-year old girl hellion and a brooding 16-year-old boy) came over to pick me up for breakfast at IHOP. I was running late as usual so I let them in  and finished drying my hair in the bathroom. When I turned off the dryer I heard the little hellion yelling “baby baton, baby baton.”

The hellion was running from my bedroom down the hall and in her hand was my newly purchased (and thankfully unused) Slender Wonder vibrator. The hellion then stopped running, inspected the “baby baton” and turned the pink nub. The baby baton started to buzz  to which the hellion continued her parade and began to chant “buzzing baby baton, buzzing baby baton.” I ran after her, but I wasn’t quick enough for she jumped on her brooding brother’s lap, who was sitting in the living room texting. She waved my Slender Wonder in front of his face. I was mortified. He looked confused. Then the hellion dropped my Slender Wonder on his lap and ran to her mother who was in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee. I immediately grabbed the vibrator from his lap,  rushed to my bedroom and stashed it back inside my night stand. Moments later my friend came in the room with the hellion. I told her what happened. She then said that I should lock “those things” up like she does.

Well dear readers, one benefit of being single, alone and childless is that the only thing I need to lock up is the front door. I am entitled to have a bevy of sex toys (which I don’t; in fact I just bought the Slender Wonder to replace the old vibrator that broke) if I wanted to.

We proceeded to IHOP and I ordered my usual spinach and mushroom omelette with hollandaise sauce. But the food had lost its appeal because the hellion couldn’t sit still. She kept chanting “baby baton” and for some reason she decided to mop the dirty floor with her hand. The brooding boy was no longer brooding either. In fact, he kept looking at me with a sideways grin in between his constant texting.

Was he texting about me? Was he telling his friends about his mother’s BFF and her “baby baton”? My paranoia escalated and my appetite deflated. I would have asked for a doggie bag, but the hellion dipped her hand in my omelette and began licking hollandaise on her palm.  We paid the bill and my friend asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with them. The answer was obvious. They dropped me off  and as I watched her SUV drive away I wondered how she balanced sanity and children. I immediately threw away my Slender Wonder. After this morning’s incident, I would never get any pleasure out of it. Memories.

I’ve often wondered how some mothers actually become thinner after pregnancy. It doesn’t happen to all, but I’ve seen friends who have become skin and bones after pregnancy. Then I realized that children can be the biggest appetite suppressant of all.

Dejectedly yours,

Lafemmeroar

© 2011 Lafemmeroar

%d bloggers like this: