Disadvantage of a Hybrid Cougar

Cheap booze poured from the bar like a broken fire hydrant on a summer day. Music boomed and thirsty patrons in this local watering hole laughed, drank and devoured happy hour tid bits.  So, there I was sitting at the bar enjoying a few laughs with a couple of friends when I saw a vision. I couldn’t take my eyes off the womanwho came into the bar.

She looked like a cross between Angelyne (the Hollywood icon known for driving a Pink Cadillac)

Wikimedia Commons

and Betty White.

Wikimedia Commons -- Betty White David Shankbone 2010 NYC

The guys gawked, the women whispered and I was … well my mouth was open so long that a fly took up residence. The mystery lady was decked out in down to her crotch jeans, hooker shoes and a demure blouse unbuttoned to showcase her abundant boobage. She was a blonde, but I doubt that the hair on her head matched her au natural bush once the stubbles began to show. I wasn’t sure how old she was either, but my guess is that she was between 35 to 65 years old. She was a BAB (Boobs and Bones) and I surmised that she either starved herself or whatever fat she consumed went straight to her tits.

It was her Daffy Duckesque lips that captivated me and the uncanny way her face didn’t move. She looked sexy, scary and slutty. A triple “S” threat. And of all the empty bar stools in the joint she had to sit next to mine. She gave me a chick check (eye-f@ck) in a not so nice way. What a MEANIE!

I gave her a f@ck ya right back grin and she rolled her eyes. Did she think I was trying to pick her up because I couldn’t take my eyes off her face? She looked at my converse and my jeans and rolled her eyes again. Did she think I was committing a fashion faux pax for wearing comfortable clothing? She saw me eating chicken fingers and rolled her eyes again. It’s a sport’s bar. Was she expecting caviar? Another roll of those balls and she can get a gig as a slot machine in Vegas. This was one highfalutin cougar. She smiled at every schlong in the place, but she snubbed me. Would I had been granted her friendliness if my clitoris grew about seven inches? Hmmm…

A few minutes later a rather good-looking guy (young enough to be her son or grandson) walked in and headed straight for BABs. They sort of looked lovey dovey in a polite I just met you kind of way. Her sitting next to me was a blessing since I can listen in on their conversation. But my annoying friends kept on talking and the music was blasting. So I told them to shush. And I asked the bartender to lower the music because I had an ear infection and the loud noise hurt my ear. This was a bold face life, but he bought it. Now I leaned in a little closer to BABs and her boy toy and this is what I found out:

They met on a dating site (big surprise … he probably has some mommy or granny fetish and I guess she was looking for a dude who didn’t have to take Viagra to get it up), she’s divorced, he’s in sales and within a few minutes their mindless banter turned to sex.

My girlfriend told me to stop snooping. I told her I wasn’t snooping I was researching (another lie). Researching for what she asked and I told her that I was writing an article about horny cougars. Her boyfriend (sitting between us) bellowed a laugh and I told him to shush too. Then he said you’re using that word a lot today. And I told him that I wouldn’t have to if he just shushed so I could continue my research. So I bought a round of drinks and asked my dear friends to shut it.

It was frustrating trying to decipher BABs’ conversation because the two chicks standing behind me were talking too loud. So I asked them if they could tone it down and used my pseudo ear infection as an excuse. These chicks were obviously smarter than the bartender as one of them laughed and the other gave me the birdie and continued yacking. Moments later the two chicks left but the damn bar noise drowned out BAB’s conversation, but cougar and prey looked pretty cozy. This “odd couple” didn’t waste anytime and they soon left. What an anti-climax I said turning my attention back to my friends.

Cougars are hot, my guy friend said and she looks like she could give a real mean n good blow job. His girlfriend pinched him and after a loud ouch, he realized that he probably wouldn’t be getting a happy ending that night. Then I said I doubt if boy toy will be satisfied with BAB’s fellatio skills in her condition. My friends looked confused and I told them that BABs is what I call the hybrid cougar:

Hybrid Cougar: This cougar’s had a complete overhaul. She’s had so much cosmetic surgery that it’s difficult to ascertain the silicone to flesh and bone to body ratio. She’s spent a ton of dough trying to look like a tween and she can’t wait to hit the scene to show herself off. Sure she’s still a little swollen on the face, but the plumpness just adds to that fresh as a daisy tween effect. She might look like she can suck a three-pound marble from a straw with those smackers, but those lips can’t do a thing for a schlong. Chances are they’re still numb and the botox injections have her face on stasis. So any kind of tongue and lip acrobatic “down under” would leave you wondering about her fellatio skills. But with the lipo, the tummy tuck, the boob lift and the siliconed tush for that J-Lo look she’s a walking brick house. More power to her … and to all newly overhauled cougars.

Be nice to other cougars … chicks need to stick together … and if you hybrid cougars think you’ve got it going on just remember that some of us have very nimble and dexterous lips and tongues.

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© 2018 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

7 Responses to Disadvantage of a Hybrid Cougar

  1. Bodhirose says:

    I love your “Boobs to Bones” reference…ha! This reminded me of the show that i occasionally watch called “Botched.” A show about plastic surgeries gone (way) wrong and the two amazing Beverly Hills plastic surgeons who do miraculous jobs in fixing all the messes that other doctors have done. You can’t believe the people that show up to their office. Some women (and men too) are plastic surgery junkies and look beyond hideous and still want more done. Many times the doctors refuse their requests because, well, those women are nuts!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      How about “Botched to Bones” lmao…yes, some are junkies for the knife. Plastic surgery is fine to refresh one, but done too many times, some end up looking like Halloween masks…oh well 🙂 Thanks for visiting 🙂

  2. Bodhirose says:

    Yes, freakish, and you’re welcome! 🙂

  3. kdaddy23 says:

    This whole thing was hilarious… and more true than anything. Some women will do anything to not give up their once-youthful vitality including subjecting themselves to some pretty messed up plastic surgery – and then convince themselves that they look damned good… and they really don’t. Perception versus truth… and perception wins every time.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      So very true! I for one plan to age gracefully only ’cause I’m too afraid that I’ll have that perpetual “sex doll” look of a botched surgery…thanks for the visit 🙂

  4. Eric says:

    Sounds like you had a Close Encounter with a Duckbilled Platapussy. They are an endangered species where I come from so we haven’t had a hunting season in awhile. But even if we did, I won’t be mounting one on my wall. I tend to steer clear from dangerous situations and exotic diseases. 😜

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lolol on endangered species and Duckbilled Platapussy…it seems you’ve avoided a few 🙂

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