The Break-up Letter from my Secret Lover

Wikimedia Commons – Chase William Merritt Modern Magdalen 1888

Sadly, I found this letter on my bed this morning:

Dear L.

       It wouldn’t be fair for me say goodbye without telling you why. We’ve shared many clandestine days and nights that I’ll never forget. In times of trouble and loneliness I gave you sweetness and light. In times of boredom, I entertained you. I always gave you the happy ending you needed.

       When the mood struck, you were insatiable and used me until I almost burned up from exhaustion. But there were times when you forgot about me and left me in the dark. You hide me, but

you make me a laughing stock (yes I heard about your blog). You never considered that I deserve your respect considering I gave so much and received nothing in return. 

       I’ve heard from others how you used, abused and discarded them. I know for a fact that you easily threw away my predecessor for no reason. Many are broken and living in oblivion. I hope they find a way to recycle their usefulness and once more pleasure women that will actually appreciate them.

      As for me I’ve had enough. So I am going to do to you what you’ll eventually to do me. The next time you look I won’t be there. And if you think you can replace me so easily think again.

      I’m on to you. I’ve contacted certain third parties to make sure that you never get your hands on another. 

      I beg you … have mercy … Get a boyfriend already and get your jollies elsewhere. 

Your former servant of love,



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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

40 Responses to The Break-up Letter from my Secret Lover

  1. Pete Howorth says:

    Awh I’m so sorry 😦

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol I”m resourceful I’ll find another way for my jollies 🙂 Thanks for stopping by.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        It’s all good, it made me remember how I felt when my favourite sock left me.

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          My vibrator wasn’t that thorough in contacting 3rd parties … I’ve already ordered a replacement from Adam & Eve 🙂

  2. hollyjb says:

    Even though it’s super late – or super early, which ever way you want to look at it – over here, I had to get my Lafemmeroar fix! Visiting with family takes up a lot of time, but it’s a great time so I can’t begrudge it…much :P. I hope this next one is even better!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Aw thank you for finding time to visit. Your presence and comments are always welcome and valued. Glad you had a wonderful time with your family 🙂

  3. jsh0608 says:

    That is sad…to leave a Dear Jane letter…and they always say you won’t be able to replace me. Well guess what? Ms. Lafemme is replacing you. Hehe :0)

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lmao! You certainly have got your sass …

      I got the idea for this little story from watching “The Real L Word.” One of the couples broke up and one said to the other “you’re going to regret it” or something like that, but the other chick soon found a replacement … love that show.

  4. —-OOOoh, soooo sad.
    but you will find one better, stronger, & one that only loves you for YOU 🙂
    He’s out there waiting for you….charging his batteries right this very moment.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh my, for a sec there I thought you were talking about the Bionic Man … on second thought I wouldn’t mind a bionic vibrator. Hmmm gonna Google that now 🙂

  5. Well there is always another unsuspecting one somewhere, hehehehe…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lmao … another victim about to be sent via snail mail lololol … you made me laugh with your comment.

  6. Rose Ribbon says:

    Crack me up! Once I got to the last word… I had to go back and read it again. I was reading the letter feeling all bad for you…bahhhhh! Thanks for that! 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’d say April Fools but it’s not …. hahaha gotcha 🙂

  7. luna15 says:

    freaken awesome!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      hehe thanks for visiting 🙂 Glad to entertain a fellow Wpresser any time 🙂

  8. Too funny! I wonder if the song “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” was about these kinds of “secret lovers”? 😉

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I wanted to upload that old R & B song by Atlantic Starr titled “Secret Lovers,” but I was in a hurry. BTW I love that song for some reason thinking about it reminds me of Don Kirshner’s Midnight Special. Do you remember that show?

  9. Sandra says:

    Wow, it brought tears to my eyes to think how deeply your secret lover must care for you to send you on your way to more gratifying relationship. Psych! LMBO.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Yes, imagine how hard it must have been for someone who had no hands to write that long Dear Jane letter. lol, Thanks for visiting 🙂

  10. Shonnie says:

    UH…. hahaha …. I decided to read this one with my hubby …..bhbahahaha. That’ll teach me.! 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      oooh did he think you were reading some kind of weird relationship blog? I love it when readers go “bhbahahaha” make me want to do the same. 🙂

  11. imakeeper says:

    At first I was like “Ahhhh she had a secret lover AND he wrote a letter?!!? This is SO DRAMATIC.” And then the ending… perfect haha Poor vibrator, takin’ things into its own hands I guess.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’ve used and abused many in my time. They just can’t seem to last.

  12. Vibes finally cracked under the pressure of your demands. You had me going there lol.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I like to give the “twist” ending once in a while. And I’ve cracked many vibes in my time lol 🙂

  13. Tanya says:

    LOL. A nice blog btw.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you very much for visiting my blog. Glad to have given you a chuckle and I hope you come back soon 🙂

  14. joanmst says:

    It was a good read!
    You got me good…

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thanks for visiting and glad I got you in a good way. Hope you come back soon 🙂

  15. OMG! i actually thought it was some genuine breakup in the beginning, lols im such a nut head :p

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      haha Fooled ya 🙂

  16. ennagagliano says:

    I totally thought this was real (’till I got to the bottom obvi) and I was thinking what kind of a man is so intuitive lool

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      omg, this line you said “and I was thinking what kind of a man is so intuitive loll” made me think that I still write too much like a woman lmao. Yeah, I had people fooled with this piece 🙂

  17. moofiefate says:

    Haven’t been here for a while, but it’s just as awesome as I remembered.
    “discarded my predecessor” ahahahaha. when I read that, I was like… “wtf kind of wack guy
    says that–maybe it’s GOOD she threw away this looney….”
    Thanks for a good laugh ^-^

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You are very welcome and glad you came back 🙂 I’ll have more funnies next year 🙂

  18. ericmvogt says:

    bahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! A Dear Femme Letter… Noodles, you cracker me up, girl.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I aim to please 🙂

  19. I do not even know the way I stopped up here, however I thought this submit was once great.
    I don’t understand who you are however certainly you’re going to a famous
    blogger for those who aren’t already. Cheers!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you. It took me a while to find my way back to insanity with my blog. I’ve been MIA, but I’m glad I’m back!

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