Food Contamination

Lafemmeroar here with a very overdue blog post:

Okay, so I’m still into my vegan kick (except I still eat a little chicken and fish — sometimes) and I’m totally off dairy. I’m learning how to make lots of good healthy stuff. My latest concocktion is making coconut yogurt. I’ve never tried it, but I love yogurt and those probiotics would be good for my gut so I went for it.

I only needed two ingredients:

Young thai coconut (I bought a case at the asian store)

Probiotic powder

You basically take about 3 cups of meat and 1 part of the coconut water (at least that’s the ratio I’m working with) then whirl it into the blender. Once it’s all nice and smooth drop 1 or 2 capsules worth of probiotic powder, then put it in a jar to “ferment” the way some single ladies do sitting on a bar stool by their lonesome waiting for some guy to talk to them. After about 4 hours (or more) the yogurt should have cultured and it’s ready to be put in the fridge to cool.

Now, the hardest part of this process is opening the coconut . I’ve seen tons of You Tube videos on how to open a coconut. You basically whack the coconut on top three times with the bottom edge of a butcher knife and pry open the “head.” I didn’t have a butcher knife, but I did have a cheap knife and a hammer. So, off I went and whacked 4 coconuts to drain the juice and scoop out the meat. Seems like an easy process right?

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!

I have great whacking skills when it comes to schlongs, but these coconuts are tricky. First, the damn “nut” kept getting away from me. Every time I whacked — it kept rolling off my cutting board. And when I did finally open my first coconut, after 20 minutes of whacking, I was sweating like a pig. An hour later I had opened 4 coconuts and proceeded to drain the juice and scoop out the meat. Seems like an easy process right?

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!

The juice had all sort of “bark bits” so I had to get another bowl to drain the water, but the little itty bitty “bark bits” went through the strainer because I didn’t line it with a paper towel. Second attempt–I used a paper towel and success clean and fresh coconut water. Then I began to scoop out the meat. I was working really hard and now I was sweating like a saturated sponge. But the damn coconut kept slipping through my hand and an especially wiley one ended on the floor, but that didn’t matter because the meat was still inside. I gave a big whew but I whewed too soon because once I got back to scooping I harvested a big chunk of meat that slipped off the spoon and guess where it ended up? Yup on the floor. Again, that didn’t stop me because I just rinsed it off real well and dumped it on the bowl with the rest of the “meat.”

I walked the bowls of water and coconut meat to the blender on the other side of the kitchen when I realized my sweat was dripping on the bowl of coconut water! My DNA had contaminated the food!

Now, dear readers, I’m a practical person I wasn’t going to chuck out all that hard work just because my DNA got mixed into the coconut. So, I dumped the ingredients in the blender and whirled it all up. Then dumped the probiotic capsules, but one capsule slipped from my fingers before I could open it up — and guess where that ended up? NO — not on the floor, but inside the blender. It sank like the Titanic so it took some time to fish it out, but I made sure to unplug the blender  (I ain’t stupid! I’ve been such a klutz that the last thing I needed was to have a digit “whirled” off like a schlong). I finally finished the yogurt and now it’s in a warm, dark place so all those good bacteria can grow.

I promised my niece that I would give her some of “my” coconut yogurt once it’s finished. I won’t tell her about how my  sweat got mixed up in it. I mean my DNA sweat won’t kill her — after all we’re related — she’s one-quarter “me” when you think about it.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar