What men really mean

Ever wonder what men really mean?

Wonder no more. I’m here to give you the 101:

A man who criticizes the size of a woman’s ass is actually criticizing the shortcomings of his schlong.

A man who says “I can do better than you” is actually saying “I’m not good enough for you.”

When he says “I think we should see other people” what he means is that he wants to catch an STD, but he doesn’t want to give it to you.

When you see “your new guy” in an awkward moment and he shrugs you off by sayingI’ll call you later,” he actually means “good-bye and have a nice life.”

When you constantly complain about having to throw out the trash and he remains quiet and unresponsive, it’s because he’s afraid you’re talking about him.

When your date’s eyeballs are glued to the football game on the flat screen, he’s actually fantasizing about being in the middle of a bunch of guys bumping and humping jumping on each other.

If he tells you “Oh baby, forgive me I’ll never do it again,” what he really means is that he’ll be doubly sneaky the next time he commits the transgression.

When a man walks into a bar acting like “he’s the shit” –  it’s true. That guy has a perpetual hershey highway tracking his drawers.

When you meet a man who is extremely homophobic, that’s because he’s in extreme denial of his own “schlong desire.”

When you see a middle-aged man in a sports car that’s because the only way he can ride a hot piece of ass is by riding in a hot hunk of metal.

When he tells you that the chick he’s been constantly texting and calling is just “a friend,” he’s omitting two very important words “WITH BENEFITS.”

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

34 Responses to What men really mean

  1. What does it mean when I say “Sure she’s attractive, but I’m not attracted to her. She’s just a friend.”??

    I just want to see if anything got lost in translation there.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      It means you’re going to be a true friend and gentleman when you’re with her … how’s that for a translation … pretty generous on my part huh? But I believe in your gentlemanly ways Squammie 🙂

  2. Well I’m laughing. Lets hope that isn’t because I lack self knowledge

  3. I’ve heard some of those before!
    1. The “I am not good enough for you” thing was actually in reverse. What he meant was, “I want you to believe I’m not good enough for you so I can look for someone better than you.”

    2. I’ve also had a guy tell me that he’s “just friends” with another woman. I’m a person who tries to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but when she came over to our apartment one night and they disappeared into our bedroom for hours I kind of knew that they were getting each others “benefits”.

    3. The “I’ll call you later” thing is right on. They really do mean, “See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!”

    4. I’ve found that when men criticize not only women, but also other men, it means that they are insecure about themselves or the size of their equipment AND that is doubly so if they are criticizing a gay man or a lesbian woman they find particularly unattractive while at the same time being in denial of their own propensity for an ersatz homosexual relationship ergo: the bromance.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Agree with all your points Ribbons oh and #4 is truth to the nth power 🙂 So glad you stopped by even though my response is weeks late … I’ve just been busier than a one-armed paper hanger these days 🙂

  4. Bodhirose says:

    What truths you speak, Laf! 🙂

  5. lexiesnana says:

    Holy Cow,You had me laughing.I have been with the same guy 40 years and so I have never thought of most of these!

  6. I expect you are 100% correct on all counts!

  7. Like always, stripping down the bull to the naked truth. Love it, Lafemme. You should create a dating book for dummies… like me. LOL.

  8. renxkyoko says:

    The last one… the texting thing…. I had a passionate argument about this with several readers on a forum…. I tell them that guy has a girl on the side. Boys don’t text that way, not even to his bosom buddy.

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  11. Eric says:

    True love is what true love does.

  12. Phil Gayle_For Singles and Couples says:

    Now, now, play nicely Lafem…
    Lois agrees with you on the first part.
    I’m a legs and butt man, so I have no problems with a woman having junk in her trunk (Lois is queen in that area…lol!) but guys who have a problem, with women who have a larger derrière, tend to be intimidated by it, due to their lack of equipment.

    As for the rest…you’re funny. :o)

  13. Maxwell says:

    I do have “schlong desire” in the sense that I desire that my own schlong remain clean, shaven, disease-free and firmly attached to the rest of my body by way of natural tissue rather than surgical stitching. Any man who shares these desires will no doubt be cautious about the women he dates, especially in the U.S. of A.

  14. Ankur Mithal says:

    The comment trails on this post are at least as interesting and informative as the post itself. Congratulations on generating a “heated exchange”.

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