Recipes for a Better Life
October 5, 2011 39 Comments
1 part strength to boot him to the curb
1 part courage to live life alone (for a while)
2 parts hope that you’ll find a good guy–even if it takes years
6 good friends to talk to (optional)
and a whole lot of self-esteem (a must)
Instructions: Take a deep breath and execute the first ingredient as swiftly as you can. Then quickly develop the courage to be alone and blend with hope. Shake it up with some friends and bitch
to them some more about what you should have done ages ago. Now, dust yourself from head to toe with a whole lot of self-esteem.
1 Internet Connection
3-4 hours of Time
A box of Kleenex
Instructions: Combine the first two ingredients. Bake in front of your computer for about 3-4 hours browsing online dating sites. Once you’re done have yourself a good cry because those pathetic losers on the site are what’s out there and aren’t you glad you didn’t join.
Shop When You’re Broke Dumpling
1 awesome event to go to
1 trendy boutique with a good return policy
1 clothes steamer
Instructions: Go to ingredient #2 and choose a cool outfit–price is no issue. Wear the outfit, but keep the tags on and make sure they’re nicely tucked away. Go to the event. Then the next day steam the outfit and return it to the store.
1 early wake up
1 ungodly early meeting
3 unbelievably complex project presentations
1 cheating husband or boyfriend
1 dirty house to clean before visitors arrive
1 trip to Target to buy cleaning supplies
1 trip to the dry cleaners
1 visit from Aunt Flo
1 trip to the DMV
1 trip to the post office
1 trip to the car wash
1 trip to the mechanics to get your oil changed
1 trip to the grocery store
1 dinner with everything made from scratch including dessert
Instructions: Mix all the ingredients together in a blender. Make sure that the husband or boyfriend are thoroughly liquified. Then dump the whole thing in the garbage disposal. Voila your troubles are gone except for Aunt Flo. She escaped the blender and will be around for 3 more days.
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