Holiday Gift Ideas: Taser Gun for Parents

Imagine a cherubic face smiling at you or little feet running on a meadow of flowers. They’re always clean, they’re always smiling and playing with such delight.That’s what you see on post cards. This is Fantasy Kid.

There’s another type of child. The kind that cries, the kind with dirty hands and mouth … the kind with wet and stinky tushies.

This kid has pirated the single and free lifestyle. They won’t eat when they should, they wake up when they shouldn’t, and they break things. They can be unruly especially in public places.  This is the Real Kid

They’re still beautiful, wonderful creatures but they do have their challenges. They need attention, care and guidance.

There are parents that accept and own their responsibilities. They aren’t perfect, but they understand the sacrifices involved in caring for another human being and in the end the sacrifices turn out to be blessings because they have reared well-behaved individuals. 

Then there are parents that seem oblivious to having a kid. They are what behavioral scientists refer to as Parent X. These parents have the tune that kid out strain in their genetic code.

Brain scans of Parent Xs show that the Kidothalamus portion of their noggin becomes dormant in parenthood. The condition is easily remedied with a simple JOLT on the head by the “Noodle Jerker Waker Upper,” a machine invented by a single and loving it chick from Johns Hopkins University.

The Cure

The procedure instantly awakens this dormant portion of the noodle and enables Parent Xs to remember that they have spawned a child. Treatment is permanent and can be performed in an outpatient clinic. Most  HMOs and PPOs cover the cost of the procedure. The problem is that many Parent Xs are in denial.  As many as 75% remain untreated.

As a result, there are many neglected children running around like Tasmanian devils and many INNOCENT singles individuals are suffering as a result. If you don’t think you are a victim of Parent X denial then take this test.

Have you ever had an outfit ruined by a kid who spilled birthday cake on your dress without even so much as a sorry from parents who saw the whole thing? 

Has a crying baby ever ruined your movie experience and when you asked the parents to do something about it they told you to “shut up–no talking during the movie”?  

Have you ever experienced the sudden appearance of  a child sitting next to you while your eating your lunch at a food court and wondered who the little tyke belonged to?

Have you ever gagged at the stench of soiled diapers and wished that the parent take the abominable smell away?

Have you ever wished you were blind at the sight of dried snot and other mystery stains on the face of a child?

Have you ever questioned your sanity when you see that brown stuff in a child’s hand? Is it chocolate or is it poo?

If you’ve said yes to any of these questions, then you are definitely a victim of Parent X denial.

The Solution

From the manufacturers of “The Lying Ex Eradicator Machine” comes the Parent X Taser Gun (PXTG). This device costs a mere $19.99 and when administered will give a jolt to the noodle of negligent parents; thus activating the dormant Kidothalamus. The effect only lasts for 30 minutes, but it’s enough time to take the “duh I don’t have a kid” out of oblivious parents and make them tend to their child. The device is small enough to fit in a small purse and comes in handy in public places. 

Sales for the PXTG have gone through the roof on Amazon and eBay. Major stores such as Target and Wal-Mart will begin carrying the device with a special discount to “single, kid less and loving it” individuals. The PXTG will make excellent holiday gifts.

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© 2011 Lafemmeroar

About Lafemmeroar
Writer, blogger, humorist. Visit my blog to know more :)) Laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it.

50 Responses to Holiday Gift Ideas: Taser Gun for Parents

  1. I love and its a very good idea, i must send of for one for kids in my street.

  2. momfog says:

    Gah, I guess I’ll have to be on the defensive when in public with my kids. I’m absolutely positive I will be a target.

    Tip: ALWAYS assume the brown stuff in the kid’s hand is poo. 99.9% of the time, it is.

    Don’t blame the parents. Parent X is an evolutionary process designed to protect the parents’ sense of self-preservation. Owning up to the kid 24/7 would surely drive us to drastic measures.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      I’m not saying 24/7, but please own up to them in public (Parent Xs I mean) when people are around. If I can’t blame the parents–I certainly can’t blame the child. 🙂

  3. Da Peach says:

    Oh, my Dear you are a genius. These are going to be jumping off of the shelves. Singles and Seniors alike will want them for Christmas gifts. Shopping done. Everyone needs a little shock once in a while to refocus. Loved it. 🙂

  4. LOL….Very good idea!

  5. The T says:

    I would like to buy 8 of them and exclusive rights to market them in Europe….

    I would also like to get a much stronger version in the works for stupid people…I’ll help with R&D costs…



  6. magsx2 says:

    Absolutely brilliant, will definitely sell like hot cakes, would really come in handy at the movies. 🙂

  7. Oh, Yes, I rememeber those days well 🙂 We had to leave several establishments.

    It’s the Parents who need to take control & ownership for their own children. No doubt about that. …. Xx

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you. My “inner mother” thanks you–even though I only exercise that “innerness” a few days a week. When my nieces and nephews were young, they were delightful most of the time, but they certainly had their “Real Kid” moments 🙂

  8. It took a lot of years and a lot of money and I finally got custody of son and daughter. They were in early teens. It was not long before I was obliged to change their names to Suspect #1 and Suspect #2. So I certainly “get it”.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Thank you for understanding Carl 🙂 As I said, kids are wonderful and with a little guidance they are down right awesome With my nieces and nephews, I wanted to eat them up even when they were stinky. They got changed before the smooches though — no tasering needed 🙂

  9. YES! A quick fix for the endless “mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy”. ZAP! Your kid is speaking to you . . . But personally I think we need tiny ones for the kids to operate themselves. Mommy on the phone too long – ZAP! Daddy watching another TV show – ZAP! So much better than punching your brother to get attention. And maybe if the kids trained them correctly at home they would all behave better in public.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      What an insightful idea! A device so kids can discipline the parents … brilliant. I would have loved one of those growing up.
      I hereby bestow your noodle the Crazy Chick Einstein Award.

  10. PD Williams says:

    My solution for taming others’ unruly children has always been the crotchety-old-witch-who-hates-kids-evil-eye. I like this a lot better. I can now properly direct my venom at their clueless parents. Where’s my credit card …

  11. duncanr says:

    wish tasers had been around when I was bringing up my two weans – especially during their teenage years !

    would have made the buggers think twice about drinking my whisky and topping the bottle up with water or ‘borrowing’ my car and leaving it with just a teaspoonful of petrol in it when I was running late for work the following day – Ggrrrrr !!!

  12. SilentMyth says:

    haha.. awesome idea.. i would want a couple =D. I am just imagining my parents reaction when i go on jolting the negligent parents =p

  13. TheFetalPig says:

    Looks like stun guns are in season. I wrote a wonderful little story about my inappropriate use of a stun gun recently. And if it helps, I totally look like that evil kid with an eyepatch.

  14. Aurora says:

    LMBO x 1000 LOVE the way you roar… now if only you lived close enough for real life get togethers… OMG the world would not know what hit them LOL Honestly, you should be writing for comedy shows, no, wait… I (looking into crystal ball) predict you WILL. Just keep it up 🙂

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      You know … you are the best thing for my ego. I’m up late writing and feeling frustrated then I read your comment and it gives me the energy to keep going. You are such a positive and supportive person. I’m glad that you enjoy my work as I enjoy yours. I think we would have fun together being crazy chicks 🙂

    • brainforthought says:

      I agree with Aurora. You are a very talented and hilarious lady and I expect to see your work on TV or in your own book. See how I piggybacked onto someone else’s sentiment?

      Doesn’t make it less true, though.

  15. I’m obviously not the only one, but this post was written for me. My ex used to say, “It’s all about the kids.” Bull-hockey! I’m not for caging them or anything, but kids have run amok and their parents are to blame. You nailed it as only you could, Laff! THANK YOU! Send this to Parents Magazine with a petition. I’ll be the first to sign! 🙂

  16. I loved all this. Must try and vote for you at that Bloggers thing, and yes you will end up working in comedy I am sure.

  17. jezibelle says:

    This is the gift that keeps on giving… You give it… and it’s a gift to yourself, the giftee, the giftee’s relatives and friends, the children’s teachers, friends, caregivers, …. It’s a gift to the WORLD. This makes my Christmas shopping so simples this year 😉 LOL Love it!

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      lol you’re too funny jezibelle

      It is in my holiday shopping list. Imagine if every one owned the PXTG, there would be less malfunctions in the universe. 🙂 Instead of giving the “teach” an apple give em the PXTG … comes in handy during parent teacher conferences.

  18. hollyjb says:

    I remember the first one from a previous blog post. The 2nd I’m shocked at! Actually, I’m shocked at all of them. I have a way of ‘tuning out’ the boys sometimes, but it’s only so I remain sane at the dinner table and only when the parents are there. When it’s just me and the boys I don’t tune them out. I know they’re there, I just choose to stay calm, lol. But man, some parents are really like that? I’ve probably seen/been in contact with them, but I can’t remember. People like that shouldn’t be allowed to have kids.

    Oh! In church or at weddings and the like. Happens all the time. I say, if we can’t get annoyed because your baby won’t shut up then you better as hell not give me a dirty look/say anything when my cell goes off and I just let it ring to piss you all off. My cell hasn’t gone off in these situations, it’s just an example ;). My Dad’s did once…he doesn’t go to church often and I think he felt bad. He sure ran out of there quick.

    • Lafemmeroar says:

      Oh Holly you make me laugh “My Dad’s did once…he doesn’t go to church often and I think he felt bad. He sure ran out of there quick.” best comment ending ever 🙂

      I think if the parents are there, then you’ve got a reprieve. I was eating at a restaurant once and this couple just let their baby cry and they kept on eating. The toddler kept pulling my hair (we were in a booth and the family was behind me) and every time I turned around he’d stop as if nothing happened. Then I saw his hand and it was greasy with what I think was mac and cheese. The parents were totally oblivious. They enjoyed their meal.

      Your comment “People like that shouldn’t be allowed to have kids.” is interesting because I was going to do one about birth control, but opted out for this post instead. 🙂

      • hollyjb says:

        Haha, yeah he ran out because of the phone…not because of nasty looks/comments. But it was right in the middle of the sermon, everything was quiet. I don’t think the pastor really minded, he’s pretty cool like that. One of those pastors that was just glad to see my Dad there, you know?

        It’s one thing if the parents are trying to shush the kids and it’s not working. To completely ignore them is not the answer. You want a night out and not want to worry about the kids? Get a babysitter. One thing that I know is hard, but I wish parents would do more of (and hope I do this) is if you threaten – follow through. And if you try and try and they won’t shut up (in a public place, or at home) tell them ‘we’re going home if you don’t stop’ or something else like that even though it would be a total inconvenience you know the kid won’t be happy, then actually do it. Just get up and leave. Have one parent get the kids outside, the other can settle up the bill (and get doggy bags, but try not to let the kids see, lol). Go home, put the kids to bed and then eat your dinner. Like I said – it’s an inconvenience, but hopefully if you do this once you won’t have to do it again. They’ll know you mean business. Kids don’t take their parents seriously because they never follow through. It happened all the time with my Mom and sister. I would even tell my Mom, ‘You have to follow through if you threaten her!’.

        I think you should do both. Birth control from you POV would be very interesting indeed!

        • Lafemmeroar says:

          I can tell you were the good girl because you advocate follow through. lmao! But I see another side of you in this comment–the tough don’t take crap side — I like it 🙂

          BTW you just gave me an idea for a post–it will be about “birth control” all right with a crazy chick twist.

          • hollyjb says:

            Haha, yeah, I was the good one. I can be pretty tough on kids, lol, but hey, they gotta learn right? I can also be a real softy. 😛

            I can’t wait to read it!

  19. Ah, but what you fail to realize is that all those bodily excretions, to a parent, are up there with the holy grail. They don’t see them as . . . well, you do. Even an oblivious parent’s love seems to overlook a multitude of sins.

  20. jack downing says:

    How about the PXTG jr. for the little tykes, who know exactly what they are doing. A “Stun” setting should work nicely…

  21. Leah says:

    This is hilarious! Love your blog. Thanks for visiting mine today!

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