laughing at the malfunction of the universe is better than crying about it
November 17, 2018 5 Comments
It’s that time of year when turkeys are served to carnivores who will stuff themselves to the point of needing a good nap.
Before turkeys are roasted, deep fried, trussed and dressed, these big birds make a pilgrimage to the Fowl Capital of the World–Fowlutopia home of the St. Cluck Cathedral, a place where turkeys who want to go to Fowl Heaven will confess and be absolved of their sins.
Father Jack Turkey (FJT) who has been listening to turkey confessions is breaking his silence. What Father Jack Turkey knows about his own kind has been kept a secret from the human population but I’ve got the exclusive interview here:
Lafemme: You were recently involved in a scandal that caused your removal from St. Cluck. Can you tell us about that?
FJT: I was caught cross-species fornicating Read more of this post
October 3, 2018 13 Comments
Looking at my childhood pictures reminded me of happy days filled with wonderings about the mysteries of the world. My innocence compelled me to ask questions, which my parents answered separately and together.
Will Santa give me that big doll house for Christmas?
Not this year sweetie. He’s on a budget.
Why do I have to order from the children’s menu when I can eat more than you can?
Small people must eat small portions.
Why can’t I eat more candy?
Because cavities are expensive.
Why do I have to go to school?
Dad: So you’ll know how to fill out a job application.
(Two frogs in my hand.) Do frogs really turn into prince charmings?
Mom: Eeeek! Dad: Get that toad out of this house.
What’s divorce? Read more of this post
October 2, 2018 7 Comments
Cheap booze poured from the bar like a broken fire hydrant on a summer day. Music boomed and thirsty patrons in this local watering hole laughed, drank and devoured happy hour tid bits. So, there I was sitting at the bar enjoying a few laughs with a couple of friends when I saw a vision. I couldn’t take my eyes off the womanwho came into the bar.
She looked like a cross between Angelyne (the Hollywood icon known for driving a Pink Cadillac)
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and Betty White.
September 18, 2018 19 Comments
Self-expression is the choice between satisfying the stirrings of my emotional conscience and burning bridges. Good
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behavior makes me feel like a soloist in a symphony with an indifferent, but hostile audience. Play flawlessly and the audience is silent, but hit a wrong note and receive hisses and jeers.
I don’t want to be difficult, disagreeable or MEAN, but I can be. I don’t want to be different for the sake of being unique, such contrivances are pedestrian antics of a lost soul. I’m no longer lost, but I haven’t reached my destination either. But I am/can be different because we cannot ALL BE THE SAME. In my circle of reality, I am the lone femme–single, never married and childless.
I am an oxymoron moving within the flow of life. I go unnoticed and then a malfunction Read more of this post
September 16, 2018 6 Comments
I like to zone out when I’m getting my mani pedis. This is my weekly routine. I walk inside the nail salon with my iPod in full blast. In my opinion, this is the best nail salon in my area. The owner greets me. She is Vietnamese. All of the ladies working there are Vietnamese. The owner says something (I don’t hear it), but I smile and wait for Peggy my manicurist. When I see Peggy she smiles and says something (I don’t hear it), and I follow her to her station. As I’m following the petite Peggy I accidentally bump into a not so petite grumpy looking manicurist who looks like she just sucked on a lemon. I say excuse me, but she says nothing. I get to Peggy’s station. I sit, close my eyes, and zone to the music as I feel the pulsing of warm water tickling my toes while Peggy begins on my right hand. This is my time for solitude; no one else exists.
Then my iPod shuts down. The battery is dead. I take off the earphones with my free hand and a cacophony of voices replace Read more of this post
April 23, 2018 8 Comments
August 22, 2017 4 Comments
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There are various ways to sustain a brain damage. Hitting the skull on a hard surface is how most people do it. Some just drink and drug it up to oblivion causing their noodle to go stir crazy while others simply go bonkers for no reason at all. This last example is the most life threatening because there is nothing more dangerous than having a damaged brain and still think you’re working with a full deck. If things seem a bit askew to you lately, then you might be one of those unfortunates. So as part of my good deed for the week I would like to list the various symptoms one can experience when their noodle turns into scrambled eggs.
You’ve got a warped noodle when you start showing the following symptoms:
Ego issues: Your alter ego becomes a primary maniac.
Forgetfulness: You start forgetting things you don’t want to remember such as Valentine’s Day, your marital status, your ex’s birthday and your dental appointment.
You have difficulty processing information: You have a hard time comprehending what the heck that used condom was doing in your boyfriend’s bathroom when you hadn’t had sex in a month. Read more of this post
August 9, 2017 6 Comments
I picked up a friend at the airport and almost got into a fight. This is how it went down.
I saw her waiting for me at the passenger pick up curb of LAX. I parked the car, popped the hood and got out to help her with her luggage. She grabbed one end I grabbed another but we couldn’t hoist the ton of bricks into my trunk. She either packed a dead body or slabs of concrete because that sucker was heavy. My friend weighs about five pounds and how she got that lug from the baggage claim to the trolley was a mystery to me. We struggled for another minute until I told her that we should take out some of the contents to lighten it up. She searched her purse for the luggage keys but she couldn’t find it.
It’s summer in Los Angeles. I’d broken a sweat and my temper’s flaring Read more of this post
Lafemmeroar 